I am betting that no one knows the origin of this entry’s title. And no, it’s not Teletubbies, Mr. Smarty Pants. If you’ve never seen Paper Moon, you really must. It’s a great movie, full of laughs, sadness, and a look into 1930’s middle America, which at that point meant low America given the Great Depression and all. But I think the best part of the entire movie is the woman with whom one of the main characters is involved during part of the movie. You don’t need to know details (just go watch it), only that the woman’s name is Trixie Delight (awesome) and she is a woman of questionable character, though apparently has some kind of talent. Singing, or something. Anyway. Her claim to hilarity fame in this movie is that during their road trip to where ever, Miss Trixie is forever needing to potty. In modern times I’m guessing she’d have some kind of UTI, given that she is a woman of questionable character, but that’s unimportant as well. It’s only mentionable because every time she feels the urge, she’ll say, “This little baby needs to winky-tinky!” I super love this and laughed every time.
A few months ago, Momma Sassy and I were conversing via telephone. We’re about to hang up and she says, “this little baby needs to winky-tinky!” I wish I could post recordings on this thing because the tone really is what gets me. Having never heard this saying before, I am understandably perplexed and, giggling like a 6-year-old, I inquire as to the origins of this phrase. She explains it, and it becomes our thing. I said it in public once and got funny looks. Anyway, this little thing of ours inspired me to begin an unofficial list of hilarious things my mother does. She is the greatest, and is probably crying right now as she reads this because that’s just how she is. Love you, Ma.
Recently Momma got a new phone. Not just any phone either, a Droid. With a touch screen and everything. This was a great happening for everyone, since her old phone held a charge for about 5 seconds before it would die and turn off with zero warning. This limited our multi-daily conversations and really wasn’t working for me. So when she got this new phone it was awesome. Best parts about it according to her: “I can get on Facebook at work! I’m no longer bored!” Haha. My favorite part is that now I get butt-dialed. She keeps the big honkin thing in her back pocket when running errands and always forgets to lock it. The first couple times I was thinking something terrible was happening to her – you know like in the movies where someone being robbed or whatever will place a call and just hope the listener on the other end comes to their aid. Yeesh. We had a lesson in phone-locking which seems to have done no good, but at least I know she’s not sending distress signals. Once I overheard an argument with a salesperson somewhere. Good times.
I love eating out, and so does Momma Sassy. It means she doesn’t have to cook and it means I don’t have to do dishes. Gross. But she likes what she likes, you know. Ask anyone in our entire family and extended friend circle and they’ll know that dear mother is famous for special needs at the lunch or dinner table. Could you please leave out the mayonnaise in your home-made dressing and possibly can I get the dressing on the side? And does it include pickle relish? Because I really dislike pickle relish. Unless the relish has no pickles in which case it’s fine (and really is it even relish if it has no pickles?). Well could you please check? I really just don’t like pickle relish. And could you make it an egg-white omlette? Wonderful. Hilariously, though not surprising to anyone probably, I now have these tendencies. Loves.
Something less specific that I so love: occasionally we (we = whoever is around) will chuckle or poke fun at something Momma-Sassy-specific that she does, and she will say, “Ya’ll will just have one more thing to talk about at my funeral!” And even thought it’s slightly morbid, it’s hilarious. Though she is right we are amassing a long list of comical and loving anecdotes to share, the day is so far away I’d rather not mention it on the regular. And the day is so far away because…
Momma now does P90X on the regular. Every day. Even the yoga, which I believe she had previously classified as being “only for hippies.” She is so dedicated that she could now be one of those case-study people they always show on the infomercials and website that people look at and think, “um wow, is that real?” Simple answer, yes. The funniest part of all of this is that she now quotes Tony, the instructor, like he comes to our house daily and personally instructs just her. “Well Tony says if you do this, then blah blah blah.” Well! If Tony says, then it must be so! AND. She now is the proud owner of an official P90X workout tank. This is not funny really in itself, except I can’t wait to see her wear it and do the funny X that she does with her arms while saying “EXXXX!! Yeah baby!” Hilarious. Can’t knock it though, because that jank works and she got a 100% on her health risk assessment. High five Momma.
I have a massive list of awesome and hilarous things Momma does to make her special, but will only expand on this last one because it’s probably in my top 10 funniest / funnest to make fun of. Freezing food. Raise your hand if your mom has never frozen any food. I bet there are no hands raised anywhere. But Momma Sassy is famous for this. She will freeze ANYTHING. Literally. Noodles. Soup. Pasta sauce. Meatballs. Butter. Fish. Cooked chicken. Cake. Fruit. Cooked anything and uncooked anything. This list in itself is not unusual, but it is hard to describe that she will literally freeze anything – if you can eat it, she will try to freeze it should there be any left over. And of course this means that it is basically good for at least 10 years. Oh, that container of whatever that is in the back of the freezer? Used to have a label with a date but now the ice is covering it? I’m sure it’s fine. It’s been frozen! We have slowly but surely over the years come to terms with the fact that yes, most things freeze well but not all. And there is a time limit, despite the science behind this preservation tactic. No one wants to eat that unidentified thing in the warped Glad container. No one.
Other awesome things that Momma does: fixes pants, sews buttons, makes the best deviled eggs, memorizes shopping malls after 5 minutes of being there, runs the most efficient errands ever, always knows the most efficient path from mall to mall, craft store to craft store, and how much that item is selling at Costco. If Costco sells it, she will buy it there instead of anywhere else. Momma also sings beautifully, plays piano, loves Christmas carols to the point of annoying everyone else about singing the super obscure songs that no one knows. She loves her dogs and thinks of them as my sisters (hardy har). She listens to me gripe, offers sympathy when I need it and some tough love and great advice when I don’t.
She is the best mommy in the world! Happy Mother’s Day to my dear Momma Sassy, and to all great and hilarious mommies out there.