Tag Archives: Seriously (S)He doesn’t like you

(S)He Doesn’t Like You Part III: Red Flags Everywhere but the Beach

If there’s one thing I strongly dislike, it’s the red flag flying high at the beaches in beautiful Destin, Florida. I have been frequenting this place since my birth and if you haven’t been, you should vacation or move there before you die. It is great. EXCEPT when the stupid red flags are out! For this little girl who doesn’t really like strong waves or swimming in the surf or any of that rip tide nonsense, I really enjoy a calm green-flagged surf, and sometimes will tolerate the yellow flag. But red is trife and ruins my ability to take my little legs out to sea. But that’s life.

You know what else is life? Red flags in the dating world. Red flags wave everywhere, and sometimes it’s even the double red flag, and when it’s really bad the double red flags are accompanied by the proverbial lifeguard – whether that’s flashing red lights, barricades in the road, or a friend giving you the hell-to-the-no face. We’ve all experienced it. Today we are examining two red flags: the guy who solely communicates via mediums which do not require him to actually speak aloud to you in any form, and the guy who has excuse after excuse but seems to deliver consistently enough to keep you around and guessing.

Year’s ago (because I’m so old), there was Mr. Mute. Mr. Mute was incapable of making phone calls. This kind of man/boy makes me wonder how some dudes would have survived pre-technology time. When you had to see ladies face to face to even ask them out…when there weren’t even phones! Gasp! Anywhooz, Mr. Muteface was texting me all the time. All. Tha. Thyme. I was so flattered, googoo, whatever, I loved it. But something fishy always seemed to happen: we’d be texting about plans for the evening and I’d decide to just call, as everyone knows texting is not always the easiest way to organize a meet-up. Yet each time, he would not answer. “Hey you’ve reached Mr. Mute, I don’t speak on the phone ever, so leave me a message and I’ll text you back.” I endured this for a while though, curious and puzzled. Our next Mexpert slaps my wrists for this practice:

I think it’s always a bad sign when said guy you’re lushing over only communicates via text.  Think about it for a hot minute… it’s easy and confidential for him.  Not a big chance that his coworkers will pick up his phone and read his texts while he steps away to drain the lizard or drop the kids off at the pool.  Also just as not likely is that his bros intercept his phone while he’s out throwing back jagerbombs and getting Iced during Happy Hour.  Thus, it’s real easy for said guy to text back and forth with his multiple boo(s).  Whereas, calling… whew… that will totally get you busted.  A risk however that one is certainly willing to take if he really is that into his new boo.

Ouch. Trufe hurts, yo. But Mr. Smarty Pants knows tough love. Those of you who know him know that he is lucky to be with (for now) the totally awesomely awesome Miss Fancy Boots (she checks his tude), but let’s just say he’s gone through his share of trifeness to get to his happy place with her. He knows how the play the field. He knows what’s up with dudes not calling or answering actual calls because he’s been that guy.

So if you’re a dude, maybe you’re trying to excuse this behavior, insisting that you’re not all scum and playing the field with nine different ladies. You just don’t like talking on the phone! And you’re busy and are always in meetings or something crazy important! And texting is just so much easier! Which brings us to our second red flag:

Let’s clarify the difference between an explanation and an excuse.  One is acceptable when courting a young lady, the other is never an option.  You figure out which is which… if you need a hint I did them in order.  The difference here is as follows: an explanation for being unable to meet up implies that there is a legitimate conflict on his end AND that he understands his commitment to your previously scheduled or suggested plans and thus will propose an alternative date/time.  Think of it like an Outlook calendar invite… you can’t make the initial date/time so you “Accept”, “Decline”, or “Propose a New Time”… which do you choose?  Option 3 is the correct answer and should be the one he chooses when giving you an explanation why he can’t stare longingly into your eyes over a fine meal and bottle of wine.  The always unacceptable option is to give an excuse, which simply means he doesn’t care enough to really alter his probably changeable plans to accommodate you and/or find a new time to rectify his situation that prevents date night.  His last ditch effort to guilt you into explaining away his wavering interest in you is his attempt at “keeping his options open” or holding onto a diversified portfolio if you will because despite your always classy, sometimes sassy, but never trashy hott self, he’s probably holding a few other cards in his left hand or at least holding something…

Baaaaah, Smarty made a funny joke! High five if you get it! And ladies, who doesn’t want to be dating this guy now that you read his idea of an awesome date! I would love a man to stare longingly into my eyes and blah blah blah. Vom. How romantic. Miss Fancy Boots is a lucky lady in addition to her awesomeness.

But back to the point. Dudes: stop making excuses and get with the program. Ladies: stop letting him make excuses and get with a new program. AKA new man. Trust.

Next week, we’ll swim a little further out into the red-flagged sea of the dating world. Bring your life vests. Or at least a noodle. And as always, feedback, stories, and new Mexpert opinions welcome: vtsassypants@gmail.com.

(S)He Doesn’t Like You Part I: OMG he’s just SO busy!

Greetings my little monsters! We’re back with the first official installment of this series which I have so un-creatively dubbed (S)He Doesn’t Like You! Such an uplifting and confidence boosting title, no? But fitting, since we all go through so many duds (not a typo) before we find Mister or Miss Perfect-for-me. I tell you, he’s out there. You will find her.

So in what real world people call a good-faith act, I will be contributing a real-life story of my own to get this jank kicked off. It may be hard for you all to believe (jokes), but Miss Sassy herself has been shut down many-a-time (no jokes). Many. A. Time. And I am a better person for it. See previous entries about trifeness in my life, character building, blah blah blah. So here we go.

A long unspecified time ago, I was hanging out with this dude. He was pretty cool, good looking, employed, not living with his parents, nice to me, etc. So we’re hanging out a little, texting during the day (a lot), calling me at night, meeting up after work, taking me on cute little dates, paying me cute little ego boosting compliments. The following occurrences are the first red flags that this guy is not totally into me, but into me enough to make a half-effort: 1) I never met any of his friends. 2) He always told me “don’t be a stranger.” We all know how I feel about that. 3) After a while, I found myself the initiator of our outings more often than him. This troubled me, but because I am female I let it continue, thinking of any and all excuses possible.

Then something happened which gave me the little slap in the face I needed. Twice, I suggested some evening activity for us to do (you know, coloring and lanyard making at my house, or maybe a game of knock-out followed by capture the flag at his), and twice I was brushed off in a very casual way. He’s real sorry, but he’s got this event for work that night and it’ll probably go late, and then he’s got to finish this proposal. And again, he’s super sorry but his dad’s coming into town so he has to host and blah blah. I logically suggest we make plans more in advance, so as to work around his busy schedule. But really work is crazy for him because of just tons of craziness. It’s so crazy, he tells me, he just doesn’t know when it will cease to be crazy. Red lights are flashing, sirens are blaring, and there is practically a jumbo-tron on his forehead with the announcement, “It’s not my work, I just don’t like you!” But I am blinded by the biceps. From here, I embark on a little experiment to see if I can get him to passively tell me exactly how he feels. So after this second/third/whatever rejection, I cease communication.

On the fifth day of zero communication to or from him, I received a message that was something along these lines: “Yo girl where you been”…Well thanks for your concern, I have been right where I have always been, duh. It is you who has apparently gone missing from my incoming calls. So we schedule lunch because he “misses me.” Somehow my heart is not a-fluttering. Lunch goes well, we have normal conversation about nothing important, until finally at the very end of lunch he decides he wants to broach the topic of our 5 day communication hiatus. He asks me what happened to me. I politely inform him that I was where I always am and was perfectly reachable the same as always. He says I shouldn’t be such a stranger. I remind him that I do not do the pursuing in situations such as these and if he would like to hang out with me, he knows perfectly well how to contact me and make plans. He chuckles and thinks that’s awfully sassy of me to say out loud (it is, I am) but agrees that the ball is now in his court and we will hang out in some non-specified time period called “soon.” I smile and agree, suspecting knowing already that I probably won’t see him again. But hey, thanks for the free lunch.

Can anyone guess what happened? I didn’t see him again, shock of shocks. He may have texted me a couple weeks later, but he had been crossed off the list by then. There’s nothing like clarity, and there’s nothing like spotting trifeness before you get in too deep. So why couldn’t he have just told me outright that he was over it? Why did we have to go to lunch one last time? If we both secretly knew it was a waste of his money…what’s the point? Why was he so trife that he couldn’t just come right out and say, “yo girl, I just ain’t feelin it, you know.”  Instead of me answering these questions as usual, next week we’ll hear exactly why from our real live Mexperts.