Tag Archives: obnoxious status updates

Twitterings in the Twitterverse to Tweet about

Raise your hand if you L-O-V-E Twitter! Raise your hand if you despise Twitter more than you despise brussel sprouts and bad traffic! Regardless of how you feel about Twitter, we are going to discuss the hilarity that is the twitter-verse with a brief foray into the galaxy of Facebook status updates, though the two can be synonymous in this context.

Today at lunch, one of my fellow nerds posited this theory: that Twitter was nothing more than an imaginary friend. He has a point. Think about it. For many people, Twitter is a place to share funny or meaningful quotes, brief interesting or comical happenings in their day, complaints about poor service at a restaurant, celebrations of an awesome basketball game, questions about new products, updates on wars and revolutions, and in general information sharing and gathering. Information seems to range from true fact-based information to opinions to friendly shout-outs. But for the times when something funny / cool / hilarious / terrible / interesting happens and you just want to tell someone, Twitter is the perfect outlet. Because why choose just one friend with which to share this little tidbit of 140 character goodness? Why not share it with all 115 of your followers? And if you’re a celebrity, why not share it with all 356,177 followers? I am not here to argue the effectiveness or revolutionary-ness that Twitter provides for mass communication and promotion or publication. This is obviously a fact, one that has been proven time and again. How ya doin, newly liberated Egypt?

But for some, Twitter is also a place to help make oneself feel more important, popular, cool, hip, crazy, fashionable, forward-thinking, and/or all of the above, and/or any other complimentary adjective. It’s sort of like annoying post-New Year’s Eve status updates. “Apparently I had a great NYE…I remember nothing. I am that much cooler because I drank myself into oblivion! Party on!” Or “holy crap I’m so hungover. I <heart> NYE.” These updates are obnoxious. We get it, you partied your face off with the rest of America and most of the world to celebrate a new year. You are so original. Same goes for post-weekend tweets and status updates. “I lost my pants last night, must have been a good one.” Classy. Or “So many shawtys up in hur dey all on me” or some such nonsense. So you’re a hot pimp, congratulations. Drunk girls will hit on anything. Also it seems you skipped grade school grammar and spelling class…might want to do something about that. Or even better, “I’m in the grocery store, these fresh vegetables look delicious!” These kinds are so pointless. Firstly no one gives two craps that you’re at the grocery store. If you want to compliment a grocery store’s supply of veggies, at least tag them specifically and use Twitter as a utility to provide a customer rating on the fly. This is good use of technology. Giving the world a play-by-play of your daily errands is a waste of your time and everyone else’s.

The downside to all the check-out-what-cool-thing-I’m-doing-now tweets is that it rubs off on other people. I am not excluding myself from this. Friends of mine posting things like “Out with [friend 1] [friend 2]…[friend 25] at [insert super hip bar name here], awesome drink specials! [insert super fun pic]” only makes me think about the number of “cool” things I have posted recently. And it spirals out of control like so:

What if I don’t post enough about my social life? People might think I don’t do anything cool! But then people might not even read my updates! But what if they do read my updates and I only post awesomely cool things occasionally, then I will look like I only go out like once a year! But then why do I even care what people think of my social life?! I know I enjoy my social life! But I sort of want people to know I’m cool so they’ll want to hang out with me! Why is everyone always tagging others but not me?! Why do I never tag other people?! And why do none of the people I hang out with have Twitter so they can tag me in their updates?! Why do I care?! I don’t want to be annoying! I don’t want to be uncool!

It’s a Catch-22. You’re cool if you post a lot, you’re cool if you don’t post a lot. You’re uncool if you post too much, you’re uncool if you post nothing. Which is true? Which is untrue? Who knows. All I know is, I enjoy reading funny things on Twitter. I enjoy hilarious pictures my friends take when they’re out. If I can’t be there, it’s a neat way for me to sort of keep up with their awesome lives. I try to only post things that I imagine I would be willing to actually call/text and tell one or more friends. If I’d only call one friend, then I will specifically contact this person directly, rather than notify the entire interwebs of an inside joke that only one person will get. This is possibly the most annoying thing. Though I have noticed when someone tags me in an inside joke, I super love it. Why do we love sharing these little expressions of love for one person with all of Twitter? Is it really necessary? And doesn’t everyone who’s not in on the joke get annoyed to see these? And yet everyone also loves when they are included in something that they know only a select few number of people will understand?

This is life in the new age of everyone-connected-to-everyone-all-the-time. It makes us feel good about ourselves. It makes us feel bad about ourselves. It lets us effectively stalk boys we like. It lets us keep in touch with friends who are 3,000 miles away. It lets us connect with friends we haven’t seen in 2 years or 40 years. It makes me doubt my social life and love my whole life at the same time. You be you, and I’ll just keep laughing at all the jokes I don’t get.

And didn’t I tweet this so that people would see that I write a blog? Blogs are cool…therefore I am cool. Right? Hmm.

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Stoked for your frat’s rush party next week. Thanks for the 500 invites.

End of August / beginning of September brings a number of wonderful things: college football (OMG 7 days until HOKIE FOOTBALL!!!!!!!), some respite from the gawd-awful heat of summer, Autumn and leaves changing,  and for some it means heading back to college. For Miss Sassy Pants, the only perks are the college football, and this season will even be a minimal perk since I will pretty much be going to zero games. Could not be more depressed about this, but I am wearing big girl panties and dealing with it. 9am kickoff can be awesome I am sure, and there are over 2,000 alumni in the SF area. Hokies Holler! ANYWHO.

Back to the point. College. College is so fun, and I totally miss it, possibly more than I did at this time last year since I was newly appreciating my paycheck from my gainful employer. This year however, the paycheck (while still nice) is less of a new commodity and does not combat my yearning to be back at Virginia Tech as much as it did previously. Blacksburg is probably the greatest place in the entire universe, and I do miss it dearly. Classes not so much, as we all know I was a less-than-stellar student (got me a job anywayz though obvs). My yearning and sadness to be back in this wonderful place is made worse by everyone constantly publishing statuses on numerous social networking sites with things such as “OMG SO EXCITED TO BE IN BLACKSBURG!!!!” and “Headed to TOTS, gosh I’ve missed this place!!!” and even “Already had my first quiz…first week of classes UGH!” These status updates make me want to do the following, respectively: cry, cry harder / drink a blue motorcycle, and slap that person in the face. Of course you will have quizzes dumbo, it’s college. I kind of miss quizzes when I am feeling nostalgic for those times of yore when I would go to class all unprepared-like, and still get A’s (LOL/JK).

The other thing that is so awesome about people going back to college are all the stinking invites! College is full of so much more than academics and going to class. Probably more so than any other place or time in life, college is filled with organized events. Someone’s having a birthday party, or a welcome-back-to-campus party, or a holy-crap-we’re-seniors party, or a I-lost-my-cellphone-last-night-in-TOTS-bathroom-so-I-need-your-number party. And of course every single organization ever created needs money and wants you to buy their cookies, t-shirts, topless carwash, or do a dance-a-thon or some such nonsense. Seriously, lets party for any reason (awesome), raise money for something random (we’re all broke), make it a FB event (obvs), and invite every person we’re friends with. Yes all 1,000 people. I am so over this for the following reasons:

  1. I have graduated. Therefore I am not able to attend your awesome so-excited-to-be-a-Hokie party.
  2. I have graduated and moved away from Blacksburg. Far away. Therefore I am unable to attend your fraternity’s rush party, though it sounds super cool and fun. BYOB ya’ll. Maybe you could bring the party to me out west next time? Might need to check that keg though, not sure they allow that as a carry-on item.
  3. I didn’t even go to your school. Therefore I do not want to attend a fundraiser pancake breakfast at JMU. Or go to your grad-school get-to-know-you picnic at the University of Never Heard of It. Super fun. Stop inviting every single person you’ve ever met. SO not necessary. It takes an extra 60 to 120 seconds (that’s 1 to 2 minutes for you business majors) to uncheck certain names from the invite list. Not a lot of wasted time for a whole bunch of people you won’t be bothering. Win-win.

I am sure I could go on, so instead I will stop and put out this general call to every single person who has ever used FB for event planning: PLEASE be a little more particular when inviting people to your events. Because even if I RSVP no-effing-way will I attend your event, I still get the 900 messages you send to all invitees after the fact. My phone chimes with the special little FB noise, I get all excited thinking someone sent something special to me only to realize I got yet another message from you and your stupid “VIP” party.  Who decided you were VIP anyway…that’s not the kind of thing that should be self-appointed. And speaking of 900 messages, it is definitely not necessary for you to send an event reminder daily for 3 weeks prior to your event. I got the invite. I remember. Maybe send one or two a couple days before. GEEZ. US. Can I get a virtual hallelujah.

That’s my soap box. Having said all of this, I will probably un-friend a record number of people this year JUST because you send too many messages to invitees. Even my best friends. Trust. Also trust that MSP loves being invited to stuff! There’s a huge difference though. Invite me specifically. It’s like that friend that always group texts and tries to make it feel personal. No one likes those texts because everyone knows it wasn’t special for them. And basically everyone just wants to feel special. So make me feel special by excluding me from your next fraternity party or band car wash. My lower annoyance level thanks you.