Tag Archives: Momma Sassy

This Little Baby Needs to Winky-Tinky!

I am betting that no one knows the origin of this entry’s title. And no, it’s not Teletubbies, Mr. Smarty Pants. If you’ve never seen Paper Moon, you really must. It’s a great movie, full of laughs, sadness, and a look into 1930’s middle America, which at that point meant low America given the Great Depression and all. But I think the best part of the entire movie is the woman with whom one of the main characters is involved during part of the movie. You don’t need to know details (just go watch it), only that the woman’s name is Trixie Delight (awesome) and she is a woman of questionable character, though apparently has some kind of talent. Singing, or something. Anyway. Her claim to hilarity fame in this movie is that during their road trip to where ever, Miss Trixie is forever needing to potty. In modern times I’m guessing she’d have some kind of UTI, given that she is a woman of questionable character, but that’s unimportant as well. It’s only mentionable because every time she feels the urge, she’ll say, “This little baby needs to winky-tinky!” I super love this and laughed every time.

A few months ago, Momma Sassy and I were conversing via telephone. We’re about to hang up and she says, “this little baby needs to winky-tinky!” I wish I could post recordings on this thing because the tone really is what gets me. Having never heard this saying before, I am understandably perplexed and, giggling like a 6-year-old, I inquire as to the origins of this phrase. She explains it, and it becomes our thing. I said it in public once and got funny looks. Anyway, this little thing of ours inspired me to begin an unofficial list of hilarious things my mother does. She is the greatest, and is probably crying right now as she reads this because that’s just how she is. Love you, Ma.

Recently Momma got a new phone. Not just any phone either, a Droid. With a touch screen and everything. This was a great happening for everyone, since her old phone held a charge for about 5 seconds before it would die and turn off with zero warning. This limited our multi-daily conversations and really wasn’t working for me. So when she got this new phone it was awesome. Best parts about it according to her: “I can get on Facebook at work! I’m no longer bored!” Haha. My favorite part is that now I get butt-dialed. She keeps the big honkin thing in her back pocket when running errands and always forgets to lock it. The first couple times I was thinking something terrible was happening to her – you know like in the movies where someone being robbed or whatever will place a call and just hope the listener on the other end comes to their aid. Yeesh. We had a lesson in phone-locking which seems to have done no good, but at least I know she’s not sending distress signals. Once I overheard an argument with a salesperson somewhere. Good times.

I love eating out, and so does Momma Sassy. It means she doesn’t have to cook and it means I don’t have to do dishes. Gross. But she likes what she likes, you know. Ask anyone in our entire family and extended friend circle and they’ll know that dear mother is famous for special needs at the lunch or dinner table. Could you please leave out the mayonnaise in your home-made dressing and possibly can I get the dressing on the side? And does it include pickle relish? Because I really dislike pickle relish. Unless the relish has no pickles in which case it’s fine (and really is it even relish if it has no pickles?). Well could you please check? I really just don’t like pickle relish. And could you make it an egg-white omlette? Wonderful. Hilariously, though not surprising to anyone probably, I now have these tendencies. Loves.

Something less specific that I so love: occasionally we (we = whoever is around) will chuckle or poke fun at something Momma-Sassy-specific that she does, and she will say, “Ya’ll will just have one more thing to talk about at my funeral!” And even thought it’s slightly morbid, it’s hilarious. Though she is right we are amassing a long list of comical and loving anecdotes to share, the day is so far away I’d rather not mention it on the regular. And the day is so far away because…

Momma now does P90X on the regular. Every day. Even the yoga, which I believe she had previously classified as being “only for hippies.” She is so dedicated that she could now be one of those case-study people they always show on the infomercials and website that people look at and think, “um wow, is that real?” Simple answer, yes. The funniest part of all of this is that she now quotes Tony, the instructor, like he comes to our house daily and personally instructs just her. “Well Tony says if you do this, then blah blah blah.” Well! If Tony says, then it must be so! AND. She now is the proud owner of an official P90X workout tank. This is not funny really in itself, except I can’t wait to see her wear it and do the funny X that she does with her arms while saying “EXXXX!! Yeah baby!” Hilarious. Can’t knock it though, because that jank works and she got a 100% on her health risk assessment. High five Momma.

I have a massive list of awesome and hilarous things Momma does to make her special, but will only expand on this last one because it’s probably in my top 10 funniest / funnest to make fun of. Freezing food. Raise your hand if your mom has never frozen any food. I bet there are no hands raised anywhere. But Momma Sassy is famous for this. She will freeze ANYTHING. Literally. Noodles. Soup. Pasta sauce. Meatballs. Butter. Fish. Cooked chicken. Cake. Fruit. Cooked anything and uncooked anything. This list in itself is not unusual, but it is hard to describe that she will literally freeze anything – if you can eat it, she will try to freeze it should there be any left over. And of course this means that it is basically good for at least 10 years. Oh, that container of whatever that is in the back of the freezer? Used to have a label with a date but now the ice is covering it? I’m sure it’s fine. It’s been frozen! We have slowly but surely over the years come to terms with the fact that yes, most things freeze well but not all. And there is a time limit, despite the science behind this preservation tactic. No one wants to eat that unidentified thing in the warped Glad container. No one.

Other awesome things that Momma does: fixes pants, sews buttons, makes the best deviled eggs, memorizes shopping malls after 5 minutes of being there, runs the most efficient errands ever, always knows the most efficient path from mall to mall, craft store to craft store, and how much that item is selling at Costco. If Costco sells it, she will buy it there instead of anywhere else. Momma also sings beautifully, plays piano, loves Christmas carols to the point of annoying everyone else about singing the super obscure songs that no one knows. She loves her dogs and thinks of them as my sisters (hardy har). She listens to me gripe, offers sympathy when I need it and some tough love and great advice when I don’t.

She is the best mommy in the world! Happy Mother’s Day to my dear Momma Sassy, and to all great and hilarious mommies out there.

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White Diamonds and Mother Courage

You guys. I am, for some reason, seriously lacking inspiration lately to put up on this here blog. I am obviously out and about being sassy and classy per usual, but I am finding that when I sit down to write a post I sit here and just go, “ummm sooooo yeeeeeah.” Not cute. So here we are. Ho-hum-de-dum-dum.

Then today something tragic happened. Elizabeth Taylor died. Obviously ya’ll already know this since she was, like, a legend in so many ways. But seriously is it not super sad?! I was sad. I loved seeing her mondo-makeup’d face in pictures. And she was so beautiful even as a super hunched over old lady in a wheelchair whist going to the club and drinking martinis. We would all be blessed to be martini bar hopping in a wheelchair and still fabulously dressed with massive diamonds adorning our every joint. Yes please.

Anyway. Many other reputable publications have published wonderful tributes to Elizabeth’s life and accomplishments, among them a billion marriages and having violet colored eyes (now achievable via contact lenses) and inventing a top selling perfume, so I am not going to eugoogalize her. She was awesome and produced many quotable quotes throughout her lifetime. I mean if I married 8 times I think I could probably gain a fair amount of wisdom too. Right! But anyhooz, I think it is super cool that I am connected to Miz Taylor by only two degrees of separation! I think. It might be one degree but I’m not exactly sure how the whole degree-of-separation thing works. The point is, my dearest mother met the one and only Elizabeth Taylor and I could not be any more excited about it.

Here’s the story. I would say it’s not every day that a regular young gal gets to meet a celebrity of any kind. I guess it depends on where you’re from and where you live, but I can say with quite a bit of certainty that Momma Sassy was accustomed to “small-town” type life in small scale cities in which one does not encounter celebrities of national and international repute often. Namely Richmond, Virginia. Richmond is great, but really. Famous people haven’t lived or really visited there since Robert E. Lee was in residence on Monument Avenue. There are arguments against this but just go with me here: no one of Elizabeth Taylor’s caliber really chooses to live in a small city like Richmond without some other incentive, like marriage to a Virginia Senator for example. If you read the WSJ obituary of ET (LOLz…her initials are ET…phone home), you will know that one of her 8 marriages was to Senator John Warner, then Secretary of the Navy. During Warner’s campaign, Elizabeth famously choked on a chicken bone, thus tearing her esophagus and requiring surgery. Anyone older than Gen-Y will probably remember Saturday Night Live skits in which this was mocked. Anyone on staff at then-Richmond Memorial Hospital remembers treating her for said ailment, including the one and only Momma Sassy.

Dramatic pause for effect. Maybe this isn’t as cool for other people but it gets better. Elizabeth was put in a private room after her treatment for a couple night stay at the hospital and given around-the-clock nurse supervision, apparently primarily to prevent her from having to press the call button. I must say if I was a State Secretary’s wife in that day I’d have required the same. And Momma Sassy just happened to be one of these lucky nurses. Apparently, according to Ma, it was the coolest thing ever. She was 24 years old, aka my age, and still adjusting to life as a new nurse in a hospital. I equate this to me being a nurse and getting to be on duty for Angelina Jolie. The best part about Elizabeth in my mind is that she was the same height as my mother (and thus, same as me). Who would think! There is something about being a celebrity that makes you look taller. I mean, do any of you know that Shakira is under 5 feet? I know, right! Anyway. During her care of Elizabeth, Momma Sassy gave her a back rub AND brushed her hair. I mean. That’d be like if I got to brush Angie’s hair. Cool. I know, I sound like a 6 year old girl getting excited about brushing Barbie’s hair, but come on you guys.

Momma’s favorite part of her time with Liz was the evening they were watching TV the night that Jimmy Carter apparently was hosting an opera singer. The singer was dressed in a long and flowy caftan dress (hello, 70’s calling!) with a bunch of very blingy jewels on her fingers and wrists. Young Nurse Momma remarked at all the shiny jewels, and Elizabeth smiled at her and said, “They’re fake.” Of course, Young Nurse Momma, being young and probably never having seen a 69 carat diamond as Liz had, asked, “how do you know?” Elizabeth smiled and, pointing to her eye, simply said, “I know.”

Gasp. I mean really. I think I’d trust anyone who’d owned and worn over 150 carats worth of jewels possibly all at once to tell me if something was real or not. But how cool is that! I suspect that if I were a nurse in these times and I was assigned to sit in with Angelina Jolie or someone of equal fame/fortune, it would not be as exotic. Something about celebrities these days is much more human. They are real people because we see them do everything all day long thanks to People.com. [Love the headlines that say things like “they shop at the grocery store!” and “They go to the gym!” …I mean, duh.] But Elizabeth Taylor. She was a beauty, she had a talent, she was a mom, she was a grandmother, she was an AIDS awareness advocate (to put it mildly), she was a scandalous lover, and she was a perfume magnate. AND she was a Dame. High five to Momma Sassy for keeping composure. Even if it was just one or two nights of your entire life, It’s one of those things you never forget.

May I never have 7 husbands or 8 marriages. Though a 69 carat diamond wouldn’t be bad.

“I’ve been through it all, baby, I’m mother courage.” Elizabeth Taylor, the world will miss you. I hope you are resting peacefully on a fur-lined chaise with diamonds at your feet, girl.