Tag Archives: Mexperts

(S)He Doesn’t Like You Part V: Somebody’s Got My Tail!

We all remember the Cowardly Lion from Wizard of Oz, right? Adorable Cowardly Lion. Always pulling on his own tail, scared that someone was pulling his tail. He was a coward! He had no confidence! Fortunately for the Lion, the wizard gave him courage. Unfortunately for people who don’t live in the land of Oz and talking lions, we have to find our own courage and confidence.

There are two separate issues here: the first is we are all cowards when it comes to rejecting people, and the second is that we don’t have the confidence to accept a rejection and move on. Right? Then I think there is a third where the coward in us affects our confidence. Or something. Go with it.

As always, we will have an example. Example one. Miss Sassy goes on a date. Dude is ok, but not that great, and she decides to say no thank you to future planned or unplanned encounters. But how can she break the news? I think we all agree there are certain socially acceptable behaviors which typically should be adhered to at all times. Like telling someone, “you know, dinner was nice, but I think your kind of boring. Sorry.” I’d venture to guess that this type of statement is rare. Because people don’t want to be rude. We want people to like us and not think that we are huge jerks. So, while I may not want to go out with dude again, I don’t want him to think of me as a biotch. But I’m also insecure. What will he say? What if he doesn’t like me? What if he gets really mad?? What if it’s really awkward? I won’t know what to say! [Dramatic pause.] So I wait for him to call or text me and I do the usual. Not respond, not call back, say I’m busy, blah blah blah. We all know the signs by now.

Example two. Miss Sassy goes on a date (it’s all about me, obvs…plus these days I live vicariously through my own blog since I’m dating no one…so cool). She loves it. However,  he’s not into her and never calls again. She is crushed, and her confidence level plummets to a new low. She cries daily, wondering what she did wrong, blah blah blah. Then she has an epiphany. Who cares about him! She’s Miss Sassy Pants! It’s his loss! She’ll find someone else! Eventually!

My dear friend and Mexpert (Men + Expert for those of you who forgot) has this to say:

If a girl doesn’t like me after the first date or two, I think, “their loss.”  It is the only thing a confident guy/girl can say to themselves after a rejection.    Guys/girls should go into every date as “I have the package,” and “let’s see if they are interested in my package.”  If they are not, then it’s “their loss.”

Exactly. I kind of giggled when I read about the package. Some of us get stuck in 5th grade. But seriously, we are all the total package to someone. Perhaps your package is not right for me [giggle]. And perhaps my package is not right for you [giggle]. Mr. Mexpert also says if you’re a complainer throwing a massive pity party, it is an indicator of low confidence level. Stand up for yourself. Recognize that you are awesome, and stop wasting time on someone who doesn’t think you are the coolest thing ever.

The coward thing is hard to solve. The Wizard isn’t just going to hand us little boxes of courage. And even if he did, I’m not sure I’d use what’s in that box to tell someone to their face that I don’t like them. This isn’t the Bad Girls Club or some reality show on MTV. It’s socially unacceptable, it’s rude, momma raised us all better. Most of us. So perhaps we need to find the middle ground. Don’t come right out and say it, but don’t be quite so mysterious. And for those of us on the other side, for crying out loud, he’s not calling you, he just doesn’t like you! We must all embrace ourselves as we are. Let things happen as they will, and if people don’t want to be around you, move on and find others who do. High five.

And that concludes the series! Thanks to everyone for reading, quoting, commenting, hating, and blah blah blah. If anyone still disagrees with the theory, then I don’t know what to do. Go out into the dating ocean and put your new skills to work, and share your stories. Learn things. Don’t repeat mistakes. Don’t talk to the guy who wants to buy you a drink at last call. Have common sense. Stop dwelling on rejections. Be courageous enough to walk away from someone you don’t like. And be confident enough to pick yourself up and move forward.

Have any feedback? Constructive criticism? Mean comments? You loved this? Hilarious or tragic dating stories? Love and virtual hugs for MSP? Send them! vtsassypants@gmail.com.

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(S)He Doesn’t Like You Part III: Red Flags Everywhere but the Beach

If there’s one thing I strongly dislike, it’s the red flag flying high at the beaches in beautiful Destin, Florida. I have been frequenting this place since my birth and if you haven’t been, you should vacation or move there before you die. It is great. EXCEPT when the stupid red flags are out! For this little girl who doesn’t really like strong waves or swimming in the surf or any of that rip tide nonsense, I really enjoy a calm green-flagged surf, and sometimes will tolerate the yellow flag. But red is trife and ruins my ability to take my little legs out to sea. But that’s life.

You know what else is life? Red flags in the dating world. Red flags wave everywhere, and sometimes it’s even the double red flag, and when it’s really bad the double red flags are accompanied by the proverbial lifeguard – whether that’s flashing red lights, barricades in the road, or a friend giving you the hell-to-the-no face. We’ve all experienced it. Today we are examining two red flags: the guy who solely communicates via mediums which do not require him to actually speak aloud to you in any form, and the guy who has excuse after excuse but seems to deliver consistently enough to keep you around and guessing.

Year’s ago (because I’m so old), there was Mr. Mute. Mr. Mute was incapable of making phone calls. This kind of man/boy makes me wonder how some dudes would have survived pre-technology time. When you had to see ladies face to face to even ask them out…when there weren’t even phones! Gasp! Anywhooz, Mr. Muteface was texting me all the time. All. Tha. Thyme. I was so flattered, googoo, whatever, I loved it. But something fishy always seemed to happen: we’d be texting about plans for the evening and I’d decide to just call, as everyone knows texting is not always the easiest way to organize a meet-up. Yet each time, he would not answer. “Hey you’ve reached Mr. Mute, I don’t speak on the phone ever, so leave me a message and I’ll text you back.” I endured this for a while though, curious and puzzled. Our next Mexpert slaps my wrists for this practice:

I think it’s always a bad sign when said guy you’re lushing over only communicates via text.  Think about it for a hot minute… it’s easy and confidential for him.  Not a big chance that his coworkers will pick up his phone and read his texts while he steps away to drain the lizard or drop the kids off at the pool.  Also just as not likely is that his bros intercept his phone while he’s out throwing back jagerbombs and getting Iced during Happy Hour.  Thus, it’s real easy for said guy to text back and forth with his multiple boo(s).  Whereas, calling… whew… that will totally get you busted.  A risk however that one is certainly willing to take if he really is that into his new boo.

Ouch. Trufe hurts, yo. But Mr. Smarty Pants knows tough love. Those of you who know him know that he is lucky to be with (for now) the totally awesomely awesome Miss Fancy Boots (she checks his tude), but let’s just say he’s gone through his share of trifeness to get to his happy place with her. He knows how the play the field. He knows what’s up with dudes not calling or answering actual calls because he’s been that guy.

So if you’re a dude, maybe you’re trying to excuse this behavior, insisting that you’re not all scum and playing the field with nine different ladies. You just don’t like talking on the phone! And you’re busy and are always in meetings or something crazy important! And texting is just so much easier! Which brings us to our second red flag:

Let’s clarify the difference between an explanation and an excuse.  One is acceptable when courting a young lady, the other is never an option.  You figure out which is which… if you need a hint I did them in order.  The difference here is as follows: an explanation for being unable to meet up implies that there is a legitimate conflict on his end AND that he understands his commitment to your previously scheduled or suggested plans and thus will propose an alternative date/time.  Think of it like an Outlook calendar invite… you can’t make the initial date/time so you “Accept”, “Decline”, or “Propose a New Time”… which do you choose?  Option 3 is the correct answer and should be the one he chooses when giving you an explanation why he can’t stare longingly into your eyes over a fine meal and bottle of wine.  The always unacceptable option is to give an excuse, which simply means he doesn’t care enough to really alter his probably changeable plans to accommodate you and/or find a new time to rectify his situation that prevents date night.  His last ditch effort to guilt you into explaining away his wavering interest in you is his attempt at “keeping his options open” or holding onto a diversified portfolio if you will because despite your always classy, sometimes sassy, but never trashy hott self, he’s probably holding a few other cards in his left hand or at least holding something…

Baaaaah, Smarty made a funny joke! High five if you get it! And ladies, who doesn’t want to be dating this guy now that you read his idea of an awesome date! I would love a man to stare longingly into my eyes and blah blah blah. Vom. How romantic. Miss Fancy Boots is a lucky lady in addition to her awesomeness.

But back to the point. Dudes: stop making excuses and get with the program. Ladies: stop letting him make excuses and get with a new program. AKA new man. Trust.

Next week, we’ll swim a little further out into the red-flagged sea of the dating world. Bring your life vests. Or at least a noodle. And as always, feedback, stories, and new Mexpert opinions welcome: vtsassypants@gmail.com.

(S)He Doesn’t Like You, Part II: Tell Me Whyee, Ain’t Nothing But A Heartache

Tell me whyee, ain’t nothing but a missssstake, tell me whyee I never wanna heeear you sayyyy, IIIIII want it thaaaaat way! Flashback to 1999 when famed Backstreet Boys released this song and went on to be nominated for 3 Grammys (!!) and a won bunch of other ridiculous awards and nonsense for this crazy catchy but annoying song. Totally not related to this post but holy crap what a flashback. I remember feuding with my bff Talulah over which was better, NSync* or Backstreet Boys. To this day I maintain that NSync was better, but now in hindsight I know that Boyz II Men were better than both. Obvs. And I still listen to them and my boyz Jagged Edge on the reg. L. O. V. E.

MOVING ON to the point of this stupid post. It’s the second addition of (S)He Doesn’t Like You! Last week, we heard a story about how MSP got dumped over a period of a couple weeks because she/I refused to see the signs. But seriously, I thought he was busy. Not my fault that I believe a man when he says he’s busy. But it is my fault for believing a man who says he’s busy 24/7 and has no time for this here total package (you’re all the total package, girls, never forget!).

Our first Mexpert (remember, Men + Expert = Mexpert, and not related to Mexican anything), who will remain nameless and anonymous so much that I am not even giving him a nickname (crazy talk!), weighs in on how guys can be SO busy ALL the time:

It is absolutely true that some guys will give excuses to “excuse” themselves from the relationship because they’re not that interested.  It happens all the time.  Guys will use the “too much work” excuse on girls, not because it’s necessarily true, but because it’s such an easy excuse.

But what if he really is busy…how do we know the difference??

Sure sometimes work is going to get in the way, or something truly came up that is a legit excuse. But get the point where he does it all the time, then he’s not that interested in you.  You want to know a secret?

YES! We LOVE secrets!

If a guy truly had something come up, and he cannot make it out with you that night, if he’s interested, he will always say “…but let’s figure out another time to meet up”.  If he just gives you the, “sorry, I’m busy,” then he’s not interested in you because he’s not making plans to see you again.  Simple as that.

You’re so right, nameless Mexpert! It’s so simple! I feel like I have stated this before in previous posts, HOWEVER isn’t it so much more credible coming from an actual man, who goes on actual dates with actual girls, and actually rejects girls on the reg. One thing I can share about this nameless Mexpert is that he has a way with the ladies. Seriously.

I believe Mr. Nameless has indeed answered our question, why men cannot just come out and say it. It still doesn’t explain why dude from my previous post and past dating life needed to shell out extra cash to feed me when he really didn’t want to see me anymore. I don’t want to share a burrito with you that badly. But it totally explains why he was so busy and unwilling to make plans too far in the future with my little planning extraordinaire self. Perhaps, and I’m just supposing here, he wanted closure as much as I did, and that last luncheon was his way of saying goodbye, albeit in a way that didn’t sound or look or act remotely like goodbye. Any Mexpert want to weigh in?

So hopefully we are on our way to proving to all you haters out there that, seriously, it’s not that he’s too busy! He really doesn’t like you! Next week we will examine additional red flags of the early dating stages, and remind everyone of the difference between and explanation and an excuse. Head’s up: One is preferred and one makes MSP say, “BRNT, try again.” Extra love points to those of you smart enough to know the difference!