Tag Archives: Facebook

A Reading from the Diary of an American Teenager According to Facebook

Anybody been on Facebook lately? Hands in the air. Then you’ve seen all the ridiculous postings going on that are making me want to cry a thousand tears as I sit at my desk in my small corporate cubicle eating peanut butter out of the jar wishing that I too was, “so excited to be at the beachhhhhh with my babyyyy it is soOoOoOoo sunny and beautifullllllll!!!!” Gag. Good times with the alternating capital letters in the middle of a word. Anyway. I recently went on a 9 day cruise and have another mini beach vacation coming up so I can’t really complain, even though I still do while I stuff my face with peanut butter and try not to hover near the windows, gazing at the sunny parking lot.

Moving on. Through acquaintances and family, I have some friends on FB who are still in school. Like middle school. And high school. It’s so cute. It’s also terrible because I see this one girl and I’m like OMG how are you so pretty in the 7th grade, it’s not even fair. Then I realize she’s not in 7th grade anymore but practically driving herself around and I’m like holy mother I’m so old, she was like 6 years old yesterday and now she has boys chasing her and her perfect hair, probably around the mall. Ugh. My hair was so gross during that phase of life.

Reading this age-group’s statuses keeps me young though, so I torture myself by keeping them in my newsfeed when I could so easily click the little x in the corner and choose “Hide All by Anyone Still in Puberty.” Right? How cool would that option be! Anyway. These messages take me back to the days of earnest angst and crazy intense feelings for things we can’t even spell. Check out this tribute to my 12-year-old self and my loving father here. Things like this gem: “I love my baby so much she makes me so happy and I can’t wait to see her tonight!!” I want to know how long these two have been “together.” 3 days? “I have the best boyfriend in the entire universe he rox my world babyyyy luv uuuuuuu!!!” How about this one? A week? I once had a relationship last about 6 days. It was epic. We walked to the pool arm in arm and I don’t remember if we kissed, but if we did I’m sure it was record-breaking amazing, seeing as at that point I’d had so much experience kissing boys. Fun. I recall after the first 3 days how special I felt, and how I couldn’t wait for the rest of my life and being at school with him and how awesome it was going to be to eat lunch together and maybe we’d even hold hands!! Sigh. Then 3 more days went by and we had a phone call that went something like this:

“Hey.”
“Wussup.”
[30 minute convo about something random and pointless, probably gossiping]
“So.”
“So, I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
“K, cool.”
“K, well, see you at the pool tomorrow.”
“Yeah, cool, I’m bringing pizza.”
“Sweeeeet, can you get breadsticks too?!”
“Definitely.”
“K, bye.”
“See ya.”

Completely harmless. I remember not being upset and literally hanging out the next day eating pizza. NBD. The boyfriend before this one though, my 7th grade love, was definitely more intense. We passed notes during school, and I distinctly remember one of his friends passing me in the hall and saying, “Hey, you’re Jason’s girl, aren’t you?” Duh! Jason’s girl! As if they didn’t know! [His name wasn’t Jason, natch] I died and went to heaven in that moment as I proudly answered, “Yes, I sure am.” It was probably more of a shy, meekly mumbled, “yeah,” but it was so cool to be “someone’s girl.” Looking back I try to recall how long it was after that encounter that I remained his girl, until he broke up with me in the hall after lunch. Miserable. If I had known, I wonder if I would have answered the question differently: “Yeah I am for now, until he discovers boobs then I’ll be toast. Love him though!” I think it was shortly after the breakup that I started waxing my eyebrows. Good times.

It also kills me that this age group quotes all the ridiculously romantic country songs that sing about true love when you’re 17. Name one person who had true love when they were 17 and it lasted until they were 18. Ok so I just thought of 2 couples I was in high school with who are now happily married. Point ruined. But seriously, it’s not that common. I would guestimate that maybe 90% of “relationships,” if they can even be called that, are sustainable when started at a time when girls are obsessed with Britney Spears or some equivalent, and boys are making up stories about all the sex they’re having. And now that I’ve written that, seems like not much has changed now that we’re “grown,” except we mostly dress better and maybe scream / hyperventilate a little less frequently. Still love Britney/Gaga. Still making up stories about our sex lives.  Since I’m disproving the point I’m trying to make I’ll move on. All I really want to say is that I sort of wish that someone would tell these kids to just take it easy and calm down. It must be so stressful to go from this: “this is the BEST day of my life my baby is amazing and i love him so much omgomgomg!!!” to this: “life SUX rite nowwwww UGH. [insert totally emo song lyric]” in less than an hour.

But that’s the beauty I guess of that time of our lives. When you’re in it, everyone is telling you it’s no big deal, he’s not that great, you’ll get over it, and my favorite: “When you’re older you’ll look back on this and laugh.” If I had a penny for every time I heard that in middle and high school, my retirement fund would be double it’s current size. And of course now I see all these things happening to other “kids” the same way it happened to me, and I see their reactions giving me dejavu of my reactions, and what do I think? I shake my head and say, oh when they’re older they’ll look back on this and say “WHY the heck did I post that jank on the world wide web!?” AKA you’ll look back and laugh. And then apologize to your parents for being such drama queenz. I did.

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Twitterings in the Twitterverse to Tweet about

Raise your hand if you L-O-V-E Twitter! Raise your hand if you despise Twitter more than you despise brussel sprouts and bad traffic! Regardless of how you feel about Twitter, we are going to discuss the hilarity that is the twitter-verse with a brief foray into the galaxy of Facebook status updates, though the two can be synonymous in this context.

Today at lunch, one of my fellow nerds posited this theory: that Twitter was nothing more than an imaginary friend. He has a point. Think about it. For many people, Twitter is a place to share funny or meaningful quotes, brief interesting or comical happenings in their day, complaints about poor service at a restaurant, celebrations of an awesome basketball game, questions about new products, updates on wars and revolutions, and in general information sharing and gathering. Information seems to range from true fact-based information to opinions to friendly shout-outs. But for the times when something funny / cool / hilarious / terrible / interesting happens and you just want to tell someone, Twitter is the perfect outlet. Because why choose just one friend with which to share this little tidbit of 140 character goodness? Why not share it with all 115 of your followers? And if you’re a celebrity, why not share it with all 356,177 followers? I am not here to argue the effectiveness or revolutionary-ness that Twitter provides for mass communication and promotion or publication. This is obviously a fact, one that has been proven time and again. How ya doin, newly liberated Egypt?

But for some, Twitter is also a place to help make oneself feel more important, popular, cool, hip, crazy, fashionable, forward-thinking, and/or all of the above, and/or any other complimentary adjective. It’s sort of like annoying post-New Year’s Eve status updates. “Apparently I had a great NYE…I remember nothing. I am that much cooler because I drank myself into oblivion! Party on!” Or “holy crap I’m so hungover. I <heart> NYE.” These updates are obnoxious. We get it, you partied your face off with the rest of America and most of the world to celebrate a new year. You are so original. Same goes for post-weekend tweets and status updates. “I lost my pants last night, must have been a good one.” Classy. Or “So many shawtys up in hur dey all on me” or some such nonsense. So you’re a hot pimp, congratulations. Drunk girls will hit on anything. Also it seems you skipped grade school grammar and spelling class…might want to do something about that. Or even better, “I’m in the grocery store, these fresh vegetables look delicious!” These kinds are so pointless. Firstly no one gives two craps that you’re at the grocery store. If you want to compliment a grocery store’s supply of veggies, at least tag them specifically and use Twitter as a utility to provide a customer rating on the fly. This is good use of technology. Giving the world a play-by-play of your daily errands is a waste of your time and everyone else’s.

The downside to all the check-out-what-cool-thing-I’m-doing-now tweets is that it rubs off on other people. I am not excluding myself from this. Friends of mine posting things like “Out with [friend 1] [friend 2]…[friend 25] at [insert super hip bar name here], awesome drink specials! [insert super fun pic]” only makes me think about the number of “cool” things I have posted recently. And it spirals out of control like so:

What if I don’t post enough about my social life? People might think I don’t do anything cool! But then people might not even read my updates! But what if they do read my updates and I only post awesomely cool things occasionally, then I will look like I only go out like once a year! But then why do I even care what people think of my social life?! I know I enjoy my social life! But I sort of want people to know I’m cool so they’ll want to hang out with me! Why is everyone always tagging others but not me?! Why do I never tag other people?! And why do none of the people I hang out with have Twitter so they can tag me in their updates?! Why do I care?! I don’t want to be annoying! I don’t want to be uncool!

It’s a Catch-22. You’re cool if you post a lot, you’re cool if you don’t post a lot. You’re uncool if you post too much, you’re uncool if you post nothing. Which is true? Which is untrue? Who knows. All I know is, I enjoy reading funny things on Twitter. I enjoy hilarious pictures my friends take when they’re out. If I can’t be there, it’s a neat way for me to sort of keep up with their awesome lives. I try to only post things that I imagine I would be willing to actually call/text and tell one or more friends. If I’d only call one friend, then I will specifically contact this person directly, rather than notify the entire interwebs of an inside joke that only one person will get. This is possibly the most annoying thing. Though I have noticed when someone tags me in an inside joke, I super love it. Why do we love sharing these little expressions of love for one person with all of Twitter? Is it really necessary? And doesn’t everyone who’s not in on the joke get annoyed to see these? And yet everyone also loves when they are included in something that they know only a select few number of people will understand?

This is life in the new age of everyone-connected-to-everyone-all-the-time. It makes us feel good about ourselves. It makes us feel bad about ourselves. It lets us effectively stalk boys we like. It lets us keep in touch with friends who are 3,000 miles away. It lets us connect with friends we haven’t seen in 2 years or 40 years. It makes me doubt my social life and love my whole life at the same time. You be you, and I’ll just keep laughing at all the jokes I don’t get.

And didn’t I tweet this so that people would see that I write a blog? Blogs are cool…therefore I am cool. Right? Hmm.