You guys, huge news. Maybe not huge. But if you know me as the cheesy bacon potato and corn dog with a side of milkshake queen, you will be shocked.
I’m doing a vegan cleanse.
I know. It’s totally insane. I’ve lost my mind maybe. It’s simultaneously awesome and terrible. Turrible even. I haven’t eaten cheese in any form in 8 days. I haven’t had cereal with a big tall glass of milk. I haven’t been to Chick-fil-a. I haven’t gotten a late-night corn dog from Cookout. In. Sane.
I heard from a friend of mine that he had recently finished doing this vegan cleanse with his fiance. I was intrigued. What does one do for a vegan cleanse? And how does one come up with such an idea if one is not intent on becoming a vegan?
Obviously. Where else do we get self-improvement ideas?! So I did some research. Apparently, Oprah discovered some famous vegan lady’s book all about the vegan lifestyle, in which she also discusses a 21-day (or 30 day or 14 day or even 7 day) vegan cleanse. In which one follows the vegan lifestyle plus a couple other awful rules: no animal products of any kind including meat, dairy, eggs, etc. No gluten. No sugar, no caffeine, and no alcohol. Yikes.
Oprah did it with a specialty vegan chef living at her house for the duration. I tried to hire him, but he was booked for the duration of my 21 days unfortunately. He was all like, “girl, I’m busy starving celebrities, call back next month.” Fine.
As you’ve read before, I’m sort of the queen of potatoes (gluten), hot dogs (piggies), and an afternoon snack of cheetos and M&Ms (um, need I specify). So I obviously decide I’m going to take this challenge on, though I also obviously wait for my fun summer trips to be over. Namely one of my best friend’s weddings at which we enjoyed awesome southern food which does not ever equal vegan or gluten free or sugar free or, duh, alcohol free. That would be just silly. I’m not a martyr.
So 9 days ago on Monday, August 22nd, I went to the grocery store (Whole Foods) (if ever there was a vegan grocery store in the southern suburbs, it’s Whole Foods) (They don’t sell cheetos in case you’re wondering) and prepared myself for what I have deemed “no fun zone” eating. I also had Chick-fil-a for my “goodbye normal food” lunch. It’s turning out to be sort of fun, in the way that getting dressed up for work is kind of fun, until you actually get to work and then you’re all like, oh wait, I’m at work, this kind of stinks.
So we’re on day 8. And never have I wanted a little bag of cheetos so badly for so many days in a row. I am craving things I didn’t even know I liked, ya’ll. It is pretty turrible. My team went to Bojangles last week on day 2 of my challenge and invited me along. And even by day 2 I was like OMG I would LOVE a Bojangles biscuit right now, with spicy fried chicken and a side of french fries. Yes please. But I shocked myself by saying, no thanks, I’m going home to eat leftover stir fry. What?!
So day 8, as I said. It’s awful, but it’s also simultaneously awesome. I actually love having a big bowl of fruit for breakfast, which I am not motivated to do when I could grab a muffin or poptart much quicker on the way out the door. Plus who would choose fruit over marshmallows for breakfast. No one, except me, post vegan brainwash. And I’m enjoying the challenge. Kickball last week was super weird without drinking, and I definitely got made fun of (obviously) but I prevailed. And I didn’t have a single nacho from the [free] massive loaded plate we get every time. I’m like the goddess of refusing temptation now.
Actually don’t, it only makes me sad.
Also I haven’t weighed myself (so bad for my self-esteem) (especially when I’m hormonal) but I’m pretty sure I’ve dropped a pound or two or three or so in the past 8 days. Which is good since I just received the custom made bridesmaid’s dress I’m supposed to wear for my 5th grade bff’s wedding in October. The polite way of putting things is that the dress is a bit snug. Probably because I guessed my measurements instead of actually measuring myself. Or maybe because I’m powerless against Cookout milkshakes. Regardless, this diet is doing me some good.
Things I have learned since going temporarily vegan and gluten-free and alcohol free and etc.-free: potatoes, in their natural state, are gluten free. Score. Corn is gluten free. Brown rice is gluten free. I-Can’t-Believe-It’s-Not-Butter Spray is amazing and tastes just like real butter. Side note: what the heck is this stuff made out of?? It has no fat, no calories, no sodium, no sugar, no nothing. It’s like air. That tastes like butter. And looks like butter. I do not understand but I do not question since a potato with even fake butter is better than a potato with nothing.
I’ve also learned that a potato with olive oil is delish. And that I super enjoy tomato soup even when not made with milk and without the shredded cheese on top (though rest assured when this jank is over, I will go back to eating tomato soup the right way: with milk and lots of cheese). And I actually like raisins a little bit. And I super love squash and zucchini and peppers. And I can get creative with salads. And I made home-made potato chips with no butter or oil or anything fattening. SO CRAZY.
But I still hate tofu. Only 12 more days.
Unrelated: 4 more days until college football kickoff and the return of HOKIE FOOTBALL. Woowoo!