Tag Archives: chicks

(S)He Doesn’t Like You Part IV: No Really Does Mean No

And we’re back! One of the great things about dating (and this series) is that it applies to both ladies and men. Thanks to the sexual revolution and other great developments like equality for women in most areas (see previous entry about equality in the work force…we’re getting there), women are not expected to sit at home and wait for suitors to call upon them while they learn things like knitting, keeping the home, and how to bake a juicy chicken. Which is great because I’m not a huge fan of knitting, cleaning, or cooking, though I endure the latter occasionally. Anywho. The point is, the benefits of this revolution can be seen on the playing field and in the dating game. Women approach men, women make the first move, women do the rejecting. The first two topics will be discussed at a future time, but women doing the rejecting fits right into this here series theme: SHE doesn’t like you! And surprisingly (as I have mentioned before), some men don’t get it just as much as some ladies don’t get it.

Exhibit A: I have this friend. He’s a decent looking guy, friendly, smart, employed, good family. All the things which look good on paper…or on a dating site! Yes (chuckle) he’s got himself a profile on one of the many reputable dating sites. Not to say that being on a dating site is laughable, because it’s not. It’s brave, and I’d say it has the potential to cut through a lot of BS that’s involved in dating. So moving on. He chatted it up with this girl, or they exchanged a series of messages, or however it works. They both decided they’d like to meet in person. So they pick a place, find a time to fit into her apparently crazy busy schedule (red flag!) and they meet. He loves it. Leaves the date raving about her. She is so cool, she’s pretty / hot / whatever adjective which means he approves of her physical appearance, she’s smart, and he thinks they had a good time together. So upon leaving, they loosely decide they’ll see each other again but make no set plans. She’s crazy busy after all and has a crazy work schedule (red flag!).

So a couple days go by, and he texts her. Then a couple more days go by and she responds (red flag!). He shrugs this time discrepancy off, as he knows she’s just so busy. But then another week goes by with dodgy communication and they just can’t work out a time to meet up. Her schedule is crazy right now, she says, she’s real sorry (red flag!). But he’s optimistic, and checks in with her yet again after another week passes. She doesn’t respond…until 4 days later. Same response. She’s really busy, sorry now is just not a good time. What does this mean?! He wonders. She’s busy, he knows, but he liked her so he’s willing to wait! He’ll work with her on it, because he is flexible.

Luckily for him, he comes to me for advice at this point. He wants to know the cold hard truth. Is she truly busy or is she blowing him off? And if she’s blowing him off, what are the chances he can get her to come right out and say that she just didn’t like him that much? I laugh a little bit first, because I can, and because it’s somewhat comical to see the other side of this equation. That’s usually me trying to decipher those text messages and getting all flustered. It’s cute that dudes do it too. So after I have my few moments of comedy, I kindly inform him that yes, she really is blowing you off, and no, she’s not going to come right out and say she doesn’t like you. He whines and complains a little bit because she just doesn’t know what she’s missing! She doesn’t know him well enough! I pat him on the head and shake my own, because really. She does know what she’s missing, and that is why she has chosen to miss it. She knew enough to know she didn’t want to know any more. Sorry! She’s just not that into you!

Some may see this as me being overly harsh to this poor boy. And yes, it can be difficult to deal with the realization that not everything thinks your the bee’s knees. I know. We’re all God’s precious little angels with our own special gifts, talents, and smashing good looks. But to some, your gift is annoying, and your face is more smashed than good looking. And this is a perfect spot to bring in some Momma D wisdom: “Put your big girl panties on and deal with it.” This deceivingly seems to apply to just the ladies, but I have witnessed her using it for both genders and so I am carrying on tradition.

Next week we will discuss the cowardly aspect of this. You caught in this story that this girl would not come right out and say she didn’t like my friend. And in previous stories, dudes won’t just come out and say they don’t like you. Cowards. All of us. We’ll talk about it, and lick our wounds. Until next time, send some dating love to MSP: vtsassypants@gmail.com. Smooches!

Advertisements

I Am Woman, Watch Me Code.

We now break from regular programming typically consisting of boys, men, and dudes in general to talk about…women! Gasp! Those of you who are regulars here / know me personally know that I’m a dude lover. I talk about them, I talk to them, I look stare at them, I think about them. Frequently. BUT today is different, because last week I was immersed in estrogen, high heels, long hair, picture and video taking, cardigans, and giggling. And it’s not fashion week. It’s the Grace Hopper Celebration of Women in Computing. So while the cardigans and shoes are so presh, there are also brains in attendance.

There were over 2,000 women in Atlanta from all over the U.S. and all over the world, to celebrate women’s accomplishments in technical fields like mine. We are nerds, we are Barbie lovers, we make more money, we’re winning awards, we’re researching everything, and we’re reaching milestones like no man. And we are looking so good being so fabulous and are so smart. If you’ve never heard of Grace Hopper and the Anita Borg Institute, do read up. It’ll make you feel good about things women across the globe are doing with and in technology. And if you’re a dude, maybe it’ll check your ego for a second.

The atmosphere there was refreshingly pressure-free and laid back, and I attribute this partially to the lack of testosterone present. The number of men I saw in attendance last week was ridiculously small, especially at a technology and computing conference. Seriously ya’ll. Google was there. Microsoft was there. Facebook was there. Bloomberg was there. USAA was there. Apple was there. And we were all there to share knowledge, experiences, successes, and failures. We were collaborating, building relationships – both professional and personal. We learned from each other and had a great time sharing everything.

There were a ridiculous number of successful and powerful women there. They have worked hard even while maintaining families, raising children, and mentoring young professionals and students. They haven’t lost sight of what’s really important. I applaud them for their success and impressive resumes full of accomplishments, but I respect them most for being so willing to share everything with the younger professionals and students. All while still saving time to watch their kids’ soccer games and even cook dinner for their husbands.

Women are amazing. And this conference has come at an awesome time for me professionally and personally. It is so easy to get stuck in the rut of work. Get up early, get to work at the same time, check emails, do the same things every day, feeling down about what I am or am not accomplishing, and letting the feelings spiral down until I am hopeless about making an improvement in my own life and career. It is one thing to feel hopeless and depressed about a man situation or my dating life. We all have our moments, and I have had and will continue to have plenty of these. But they are so easy to recover from. It is easy to pick myself up from heartbreak or rejection (post satisfactory pity party, obvs). I can put on a fancy pair of shoes, do my hair, feel good in my favorite jeans, and move on loving myself. But feeling down about my job and career path and choice is a totally different thing. I can’t just buy another job. I can’t make a project easier because of a good hair day. And sometimes it’s just freaking hard to stay positive and keep the big picture in mind. But being here has not only opened my eyes to the real breadth of the field I chose, but it’s encouraged me and reminded me I have options. Yes, my job is great and I do like it, but no, I don’t have to stay there forever if I become personally unsatisfied with the work I’m doing. I could very well work for Google some day, or Yahoo, or Bloomberg, or SAS, or Elle freaking magazine if that’s what I really want to do.

And it wasn’t just awards and success there. It was presentations on advances in technology pioneered by smart women which are helping the socially or economically disadvantaged. Socially responsible projects to help the blind, the poor, the 3rd world, the children. Technology is awesome, and video games are cool, but more than anything, the week was about sharing our knowledge so that we can help make the world a better place. Technology not just for the sake of cool technology, but for the bettering of societies everywhere.

So, key learnings I have taken back to my humble cubicle on the west coast include but are not limited to the following list.

  • Every technical woman has had a time or moment when they feel out of place or uncomfortable in a field full of men [most with rather large egos].
  • Every technical woman has had a moment when they felt triumphant and achieved something so great which made the trials and tribulations of working in male-dominated field SO worth it.
  • There are many men who fully support and encourage women in their lives to succeed in a technical field, while there are many who are still not supportive (I mean, dudes, it’s 2010 for crying out loud…catch up).
  • Women are smarter and can juggle life and work more effectively than men.
  • Women are nicer and more willing to share their achievements with others for zero personal gain.
  • Women are awesome and willing mentors, whether professionally or academically.
  • The superior emotional intelligence of women is an asset in the workplace, not a hindrance.

The list could be much longer. And I’m stoked to be back at work with a new plan, new encouragement, new ways to deal with conflict, new ideas on how to shape my career and future, and new passion around what I do. I am a technical woman. I don’t just fix your computer, I can make your world better.

(S)He Doesn’t Like You, Part II: Tell Me Whyee, Ain’t Nothing But A Heartache

Tell me whyee, ain’t nothing but a missssstake, tell me whyee I never wanna heeear you sayyyy, IIIIII want it thaaaaat way! Flashback to 1999 when famed Backstreet Boys released this song and went on to be nominated for 3 Grammys (!!) and a won bunch of other ridiculous awards and nonsense for this crazy catchy but annoying song. Totally not related to this post but holy crap what a flashback. I remember feuding with my bff Talulah over which was better, NSync* or Backstreet Boys. To this day I maintain that NSync was better, but now in hindsight I know that Boyz II Men were better than both. Obvs. And I still listen to them and my boyz Jagged Edge on the reg. L. O. V. E.

MOVING ON to the point of this stupid post. It’s the second addition of (S)He Doesn’t Like You! Last week, we heard a story about how MSP got dumped over a period of a couple weeks because she/I refused to see the signs. But seriously, I thought he was busy. Not my fault that I believe a man when he says he’s busy. But it is my fault for believing a man who says he’s busy 24/7 and has no time for this here total package (you’re all the total package, girls, never forget!).

Our first Mexpert (remember, Men + Expert = Mexpert, and not related to Mexican anything), who will remain nameless and anonymous so much that I am not even giving him a nickname (crazy talk!), weighs in on how guys can be SO busy ALL the time:

It is absolutely true that some guys will give excuses to “excuse” themselves from the relationship because they’re not that interested.  It happens all the time.  Guys will use the “too much work” excuse on girls, not because it’s necessarily true, but because it’s such an easy excuse.

But what if he really is busy…how do we know the difference??

Sure sometimes work is going to get in the way, or something truly came up that is a legit excuse. But get the point where he does it all the time, then he’s not that interested in you.  You want to know a secret?

YES! We LOVE secrets!

If a guy truly had something come up, and he cannot make it out with you that night, if he’s interested, he will always say “…but let’s figure out another time to meet up”.  If he just gives you the, “sorry, I’m busy,” then he’s not interested in you because he’s not making plans to see you again.  Simple as that.

You’re so right, nameless Mexpert! It’s so simple! I feel like I have stated this before in previous posts, HOWEVER isn’t it so much more credible coming from an actual man, who goes on actual dates with actual girls, and actually rejects girls on the reg. One thing I can share about this nameless Mexpert is that he has a way with the ladies. Seriously.

I believe Mr. Nameless has indeed answered our question, why men cannot just come out and say it. It still doesn’t explain why dude from my previous post and past dating life needed to shell out extra cash to feed me when he really didn’t want to see me anymore. I don’t want to share a burrito with you that badly. But it totally explains why he was so busy and unwilling to make plans too far in the future with my little planning extraordinaire self. Perhaps, and I’m just supposing here, he wanted closure as much as I did, and that last luncheon was his way of saying goodbye, albeit in a way that didn’t sound or look or act remotely like goodbye. Any Mexpert want to weigh in?

So hopefully we are on our way to proving to all you haters out there that, seriously, it’s not that he’s too busy! He really doesn’t like you! Next week we will examine additional red flags of the early dating stages, and remind everyone of the difference between and explanation and an excuse. Head’s up: One is preferred and one makes MSP say, “BRNT, try again.” Extra love points to those of you smart enough to know the difference!

(S)He Doesn’t Like You Part I: OMG he’s just SO busy!

Greetings my little monsters! We’re back with the first official installment of this series which I have so un-creatively dubbed (S)He Doesn’t Like You! Such an uplifting and confidence boosting title, no? But fitting, since we all go through so many duds (not a typo) before we find Mister or Miss Perfect-for-me. I tell you, he’s out there. You will find her.

So in what real world people call a good-faith act, I will be contributing a real-life story of my own to get this jank kicked off. It may be hard for you all to believe (jokes), but Miss Sassy herself has been shut down many-a-time (no jokes). Many. A. Time. And I am a better person for it. See previous entries about trifeness in my life, character building, blah blah blah. So here we go.

A long unspecified time ago, I was hanging out with this dude. He was pretty cool, good looking, employed, not living with his parents, nice to me, etc. So we’re hanging out a little, texting during the day (a lot), calling me at night, meeting up after work, taking me on cute little dates, paying me cute little ego boosting compliments. The following occurrences are the first red flags that this guy is not totally into me, but into me enough to make a half-effort: 1) I never met any of his friends. 2) He always told me “don’t be a stranger.” We all know how I feel about that. 3) After a while, I found myself the initiator of our outings more often than him. This troubled me, but because I am female I let it continue, thinking of any and all excuses possible.

Then something happened which gave me the little slap in the face I needed. Twice, I suggested some evening activity for us to do (you know, coloring and lanyard making at my house, or maybe a game of knock-out followed by capture the flag at his), and twice I was brushed off in a very casual way. He’s real sorry, but he’s got this event for work that night and it’ll probably go late, and then he’s got to finish this proposal. And again, he’s super sorry but his dad’s coming into town so he has to host and blah blah. I logically suggest we make plans more in advance, so as to work around his busy schedule. But really work is crazy for him because of just tons of craziness. It’s so crazy, he tells me, he just doesn’t know when it will cease to be crazy. Red lights are flashing, sirens are blaring, and there is practically a jumbo-tron on his forehead with the announcement, “It’s not my work, I just don’t like you!” But I am blinded by the biceps. From here, I embark on a little experiment to see if I can get him to passively tell me exactly how he feels. So after this second/third/whatever rejection, I cease communication.

On the fifth day of zero communication to or from him, I received a message that was something along these lines: “Yo girl where you been”…Well thanks for your concern, I have been right where I have always been, duh. It is you who has apparently gone missing from my incoming calls. So we schedule lunch because he “misses me.” Somehow my heart is not a-fluttering. Lunch goes well, we have normal conversation about nothing important, until finally at the very end of lunch he decides he wants to broach the topic of our 5 day communication hiatus. He asks me what happened to me. I politely inform him that I was where I always am and was perfectly reachable the same as always. He says I shouldn’t be such a stranger. I remind him that I do not do the pursuing in situations such as these and if he would like to hang out with me, he knows perfectly well how to contact me and make plans. He chuckles and thinks that’s awfully sassy of me to say out loud (it is, I am) but agrees that the ball is now in his court and we will hang out in some non-specified time period called “soon.” I smile and agree, suspecting knowing already that I probably won’t see him again. But hey, thanks for the free lunch.

Can anyone guess what happened? I didn’t see him again, shock of shocks. He may have texted me a couple weeks later, but he had been crossed off the list by then. There’s nothing like clarity, and there’s nothing like spotting trifeness before you get in too deep. So why couldn’t he have just told me outright that he was over it? Why did we have to go to lunch one last time? If we both secretly knew it was a waste of his money…what’s the point? Why was he so trife that he couldn’t just come right out and say, “yo girl, I just ain’t feelin it, you know.”  Instead of me answering these questions as usual, next week we’ll hear exactly why from our real live Mexperts.

Mr. Too-Many-Text-Messages-Guy

Miss Swan (Raleigh Roomz…great nickname if I do say so myself) had been text chatting with this dude who does not live in R-town. He was all up on the text messaging. Like numerous times per day, numerous topics, far exceeding the 160 character limit, and not waiting for a response before he sends a billion more messages. It’s super cute. JK. It’s super something, but cute it ain’t. It is an excellent indication that he’s super into her, and also it’s an indication that he never got a text message etiquette lesson. I’m not necessarily saying there’s certain rules that you must abide by at all times, but there are just certain rules you must abide by at all times. This is more of a common issue than perhaps you might guess, so we will discuss it.

Dudes. Ya’ll know that girl who texts you 24/7 and is always responding to your texts within 2 seconds of you sending it. You know that one that doesn’t know when to stop. She is always sending something. It can be anything from “hey baby whatcha doin” to “OMG just ran into a friend from middle school at the grocery store, couldn’t remember her name, FML!” And you’re all like, I don’t care, but how do I say that nicely in a text? You can’t, so you don’t respond. It’s ok. We all do it. That’s the standard. Your phone goes off, you are disappointed to see it’s her again. She’s checking on you. Sharing some deep thoughts while you’re out with your boyz. You’re relaxing having a brew and she’s all waxing poetic about the universe and the Moon Lady. You just talked to her a couple times and now she’s all up on you like woah. And who the heck is the Moon Lady?! So you stop responding only she continues to send message after message. SO annoying.

Ladies. Ya’ll know that man be all blowin your phone up like he get paid top dolla to bother you all day. Trife. And you’re so tired. You don’t really like him like that. He’s SO nice and even kind of cute, but you just either a) don’t check your phone often enough to keep up, b) don’t even have time to respond because he’s sending them so frequently, or c) don’t really want to respond for fear of leading him on, because you just don’t think of him like that. But it’s so weird! He won’t stop texting! I mean like all day long! It is so bad in fact, that you begin to wonder if he even has a job or if he was lying to you about being a financial advice giver. How can anyone advise people all day and still have time to send super long texts uber frequently. I hate the word uber and yet I still used it because it is perfect for this situation. It is trife.

So how do we really know when to stop texting? How many is too many? What if some of them didn’t get through and you’re just making sure some of them get through by sending so many?? You just want to share everything with him. You just want her to know you’re thinking about her. Just so much to say. Plus you don’t get to talk on the phone because of your schedules, so what else are you supposed to do?! Here’s a thought: be rational. Technology is pretty advanced these days. Texts “go through.” They work now, pretty consistently. Fine, there’s the occasional delay or failed message. But it’s rare. 99% of the time (not a real statistic but it’s close to accurate I’m sure unless you live in the boonies), that ish gets to the other phone perfectly. Well he must be busy or something. She might be at the gym or washing her hair. OR…$20 to whoever guesses what I’m going to say next. He’s just not that into you! And need I remind us all again that it applies to both genders, so it’s perfectly possible that she’s just not that into you! Not sure if you are the guy who sends too many text messages? Here’s a good test: Scroll through your phone convo and see what the proportion of your texts to hers is. Is she super responsive and sending you long, informative, and cutesy texts? Fine and dandy. Are you seeing way more of your sent messages than her responses? Do you even remember when the last time she responded was? Time to stop and say no to drugs. Miss Swan’s little man needed to perform this test on himself so he could save himself from heartbreak and/or awkwardness when he realizes that he’s been having a text convo with himself.

Seriously, texting is super fun. It has changed the way we communicate with each other, and it has changed the dating game beyond recognition. Plans can be made without the two parties involved even speaking to each other (although MSP does not endorse this practice, despite using it most all the time). One can be in constant contact with numerous other people at one time, including one’s mother. And there’s certainly no rule that says you must take turns sending messages to maintain a 1:1 ratio all the time. But when your ratio is more like 20:1, you should rethink your strategy. Maybe it’s time to actually make a phone call, take her out, let her know you’re not just some lazy bum who can’t muster any more effort than text messages. Or maybe it’s time to re-evaluate the situation. She’s probably not answering you for a reason. And what is that reason? That’s right. She’s just not that into you. So how about you two open the lines of communication, figure out what you feel for each other, and please adjust your text message frequency accordingly. And if you insist that you’re just being friendly and you don’t even like like her, then you’re a) in denial or b) just really weird for sending so many unanswered messages. Seriously, get a hold of yourself and get a hobby and some new friends.