Tag Archives: armed forces

Proud to be an American, where at least I know I’m free

Hellooooooo and Happy Memorial Day! Despite being a day late for this holiday, today we’re going to discuss how awesome it is to be American and talk about the things, both tangible and intangible that make America great. Oohrah!

Firstly, foremostly, and most importantly, our entire armed services are completely BADASS. As mentioned here, the Army, Navy, Marines, Air Force, Coast Guard, National Guard, and Reserves are completely awesome and BADASS. It’s one of those times where it must be spelled in all caps all the time, because “badass” feels too small. Like it’s just kind of badass but it’s not super awesome BADASS. If you feel me. Also, name one nation who has a more BADASS military than we do. I’ll wait. Cue Jeopardy music. That’s right, you can’t. Anyone who thinks Vladimir Putin isn’t a badass is just not in the know, but he’s only one man (I mean, yikes). We have hundreds of thousands of BADASSES all over the world, many or most of which are exceedingly better looking than ol’ Vlad, AND could probably kill that tiger with their bare hands. Thanks to everyone I know and do not know who sacrifice their lives, cleanliness, pride, and all creature comforts to hunker down in the deserts and jungles and no-mans-lands of the world to keep the children of the United States of America safe from dirty commies, terrorists, and etc. bad guys. Luh you.

And now on to less serious and less important but perhaps more entertaining and slightly more comical but definitely still awesome things that make Amurica great. I’d like to start out by saying that pretty much everything discussed here is only available to us because we have such awesome BADASSES protecting our country. So it’s two fold: going to the beach on Memorial Day weekend is awesome but it’s even MORE awesome because we are being kept safe by men and women who can’t go to the beach because they be busy hunting terrorists. Thanks ya’ll. Ok for real here we go.

Sort of an obvious one, but going to the beach for a long weekend is totally Amurican. Wearing teeny tiny bikinis, even when you are way too large to wear such garments is also totally and completely Amurican. Wearing super skimpy banana suits is not Amurican and may I say I’m glad (for the most part). Keep your shorts on, guys. Cookouts are also super Amurican, some of which even take place on the beach, which makes it that much more Amurican. Hot dogs, hamburgers (with AMERICAN cheese, obviously), chips or some yummy waffle fries, and some Bud Light. Maybe even Corona. I hear they don’t drink that in Mexico which makes it that much more Amurican. A game of corn hole is so completely Amurican, especially when it takes place at aforementioned cookout on the beach. Beer pong also is pretty Amurican.

If you have a boat you are totally Amurican. And if you took your boat out on the lake, river, sound, bay, gulf, ocean, etc. body of water and ate hot dogs, hamburgers (with AMERICAN cheese, obviously), potato chips and washed it all down with some delicious Bud Light, perhaps while singing country music, and towing some of your buddies behind the boat in a tube or wakeboard, you are so Amurican. Boating is completely Amurican. I can’t say how many boats I saw in transit this weekend. It looks super fun. Also thanks to my cousin’s Facebook post, I saw one boat sinking off of a small island in Destin, FL. Good times. Which leads me to: it’s super Amurican to have or use a tractor. I know people use tractors all around the world. And that John Deere is basically the only American name for a tractor brand (Kubota = clearly not American) (though Caterpillar sounds pretty American), something about just the word “tractor” is super Amurican. Say it out loud. TRACK-ter. Fun, yes?

The epic 9-day cruise I took with my mother ended over Memorial Day weekend. Upon leaving and re-entering the Chesapeake Bay and the Port of Baltimore, we had a United States Coast Guard escort, complete with a completely BADASS guy holding a machine gun at the helm. The entire scene was completely BADASS and American. Also slightly sexy. Something about a man in a uniform with an automatic rifle. Is it just me? Anyway. Sexy is also super American, but I will say there are plenty of Italian and Greek and even British men I think are sexy so that’s not an exclusively American thing. I’m about to digress so lets move on…

…to more American things. Collared shirts and pleated khaki shorts with Rainbow flip-flops (or whatever the trending sandal is this season) and croakies holding your Oakleys to your face. Super Amurican. Also cute boys in pickup trucks, with massive work / cowboy boots (Tims are excluded from this), an old tshirt, and ratty baseball cap OR cowboy hat. Cowboy hats are special in that not all of them are good looking, but you know it when you see it. That’s Amurican.

Other things that come to mind: going to the pool with a cooler of beer, rooftop bars, concerts in a field (versus a fancy basketball stadium or something), waiting in line for an iPhone, waiting over 24 hours in line for whatever is trending this year, chugging beer, shot-gunning beer, dieting unsuccessfully, triathalons, building things from scratch, working hard, hiring people to do things for you and paying way too much, a good handshake, apple pie, fake ta-tas, HUGE fake ta-tas, eagles, the concept of the girl-next-door (and if this girl exists, she has very American blond highlights or dye job), corn bread muffins, sweet tea, Long Island ice tea, BBQ, back decks, wrap-around porches, hammocks and porch swings, football, baseball, catching a home run in the stands, American cheese (obviously), George Washington, patents, patent infringement, tailgating, kegs (of Bud Light obviously), hiking, coupons, suing someone, being sued, declaring bankruptcy and starting your own business the next year, bouncing back, fighting hard, and kicking ass.

Thanks to every military man and woman who has served, is serving, and will continue to serve our country, give their lives and time, and sacrifice awesome family time at the beach with a hamburger with AMERICAN cheese so we can all stay home, enjoy a terrorist free beach, a terrorist free concert, a terrorist free football game, pirate-free waters, and everything else. Go Amurica!

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Ding-Dong the Wicked Witch is Dead!

Last night I was lounging in my bed watching a semi-terrible movie about 16th century Venetian courtesans (I know) whilst laying a cold cloth on my sun-charred skin (consequences of drinking a billion Bud Lights and thus forgetting to reapply sunscreen at an all-day concert). Movie definitely was just turrible, but I was putting off going to sleep because my skin was sizzling with pain. I’m telling you guys, it was and still is the. Worst. Burn. I have ever had. Anyhooz. Then my super amazing pal and top 5 favorite person on the planet Rhett Butler sent me a text message: “We got bin Laden!”

So ya’ll don’t know Rhett, but he’s a major jokester. And I always fall for his jokes. As a result of this I am extremely skeptical of pretty much everything he tells me, and despite my skepticism I still fall for things which are not true on the regular. So I promptly respond, appropriately portraying my doubt: “Whatttttttttt?!?!!” Obvs. Then I immediately check the most reliable news source there is, Twitter. Obvs. And sure enough. All of my closest friends and news reporters are saying he’s dead. And even President Obama had made a statement addressing the nation giving himself, GWB, our troops, and America in general a big mondo high five. This is great news.

Then this morning when I got to the office [cough late] I proceeded to not do pretty much any work because there are so many awesome articles to read about Osama’s death. The basic gist of all headlines concerning his death: America is awesome, we love our Navy SEALs and Marines, Obama accomplished an important goal, GWB is still awesome, the Dow and the dollar are up, and gas prices fell 3%. Fantastic.

All of this rejoicing and happiness due to one man’s death makes me feel many things. I will now commence to listing them:

  • Happy: It is great that our military has accomplished something so badass as killing a man who was hiding out in a massive compound in the middle of freaking nowhere (looks actually like it was a populated and somewhat affluent city…whatevs). Apparently people thought dude couldn’t be killed and I’m filled with happiness that we proved them wrong. We are America and we rock.
  • Jolly: I laughed and have been giggling at all the Hitler and hell jokes people are making. Saw this on Twitter earlier: “Osama bin Laden just ousted Hitler as the Mayor of Hell on @foursquare!” I mean. That made me straight up laugh out loud at my desk. People got jokes ya’ll, and it is a chuckle fest up in my cubicle today.
  • Proud: Who doesn’t love being an American all the freaking time because we are always awesome, but especially now that our badass military did such a badassly awesome job killing such a turrible man. BAD.ASS. GO AMURICA!
  • Glad: that I’m not flying anytime soon. Increased alerts for terrorist attacks and in general hating on Americans by remaining sad little al Qaeda dudes make me a little hesitant to fly. You guys: let’s not all be dumb and forget they all still hate us.
  • Annoyed: but only in the smallest minute way, due to the fact that people are already criticizing how it went down. Just be happy for crying out loud that we got the biggest American hater alive. So we buried him at sea to attempt to abide by his religion’s law, big freaking deal. Take some photos, hold on to that DNA evidence, and move on to the next biggest American hater. Thank you.
  • Wanting to give out hugs: to every dude I know who is in the armed forces of any kind. You guys (and girls) are the kings (and queens) of badassery and I super love you. Big hugs and sloppy cheek smooches to every single one of you.

And that about sums it up. Go Amurica.

Completely unrelated: Me and these sassy pants now have a legit website! New URL is http://sarasassypants.com. Bookmark that jank, you guys! If you are a subscriber, you needn’t worry about your subscribe pants not arriving. How sassy is that. And now you know my first name…woop woop!

And once again, GO AMURICA!