Tag Archives: America

Proud to be an American, where at least I know I’m free

Hellooooooo and Happy Memorial Day! Despite being a day late for this holiday, today we’re going to discuss how awesome it is to be American and talk about the things, both tangible and intangible that make America great. Oohrah!

Firstly, foremostly, and most importantly, our entire armed services are completely BADASS. As mentioned here, the Army, Navy, Marines, Air Force, Coast Guard, National Guard, and Reserves are completely awesome and BADASS. It’s one of those times where it must be spelled in all caps all the time, because “badass” feels too small. Like it’s just kind of badass but it’s not super awesome BADASS. If you feel me. Also, name one nation who has a more BADASS military than we do. I’ll wait. Cue Jeopardy music. That’s right, you can’t. Anyone who thinks Vladimir Putin isn’t a badass is just not in the know, but he’s only one man (I mean, yikes). We have hundreds of thousands of BADASSES all over the world, many or most of which are exceedingly better looking than ol’ Vlad, AND could probably kill that tiger with their bare hands. Thanks to everyone I know and do not know who sacrifice their lives, cleanliness, pride, and all creature comforts to hunker down in the deserts and jungles and no-mans-lands of the world to keep the children of the United States of America safe from dirty commies, terrorists, and etc. bad guys. Luh you.

And now on to less serious and less important but perhaps more entertaining and slightly more comical but definitely still awesome things that make Amurica great. I’d like to start out by saying that pretty much everything discussed here is only available to us because we have such awesome BADASSES protecting our country. So it’s two fold: going to the beach on Memorial Day weekend is awesome but it’s even MORE awesome because we are being kept safe by men and women who can’t go to the beach because they be busy hunting terrorists. Thanks ya’ll. Ok for real here we go.

Sort of an obvious one, but going to the beach for a long weekend is totally Amurican. Wearing teeny tiny bikinis, even when you are way too large to wear such garments is also totally and completely Amurican. Wearing super skimpy banana suits is not Amurican and may I say I’m glad (for the most part). Keep your shorts on, guys. Cookouts are also super Amurican, some of which even take place on the beach, which makes it that much more Amurican. Hot dogs, hamburgers (with AMERICAN cheese, obviously), chips or some yummy waffle fries, and some Bud Light. Maybe even Corona. I hear they don’t drink that in Mexico which makes it that much more Amurican. A game of corn hole is so completely Amurican, especially when it takes place at aforementioned cookout on the beach. Beer pong also is pretty Amurican.

If you have a boat you are totally Amurican. And if you took your boat out on the lake, river, sound, bay, gulf, ocean, etc. body of water and ate hot dogs, hamburgers (with AMERICAN cheese, obviously), potato chips and washed it all down with some delicious Bud Light, perhaps while singing country music, and towing some of your buddies behind the boat in a tube or wakeboard, you are so Amurican. Boating is completely Amurican. I can’t say how many boats I saw in transit this weekend. It looks super fun. Also thanks to my cousin’s Facebook post, I saw one boat sinking off of a small island in Destin, FL. Good times. Which leads me to: it’s super Amurican to have or use a tractor. I know people use tractors all around the world. And that John Deere is basically the only American name for a tractor brand (Kubota = clearly not American) (though Caterpillar sounds pretty American), something about just the word “tractor” is super Amurican. Say it out loud. TRACK-ter. Fun, yes?

The epic 9-day cruise I took with my mother ended over Memorial Day weekend. Upon leaving and re-entering the Chesapeake Bay and the Port of Baltimore, we had a United States Coast Guard escort, complete with a completely BADASS guy holding a machine gun at the helm. The entire scene was completely BADASS and American. Also slightly sexy. Something about a man in a uniform with an automatic rifle. Is it just me? Anyway. Sexy is also super American, but I will say there are plenty of Italian and Greek and even British men I think are sexy so that’s not an exclusively American thing. I’m about to digress so lets move on…

…to more American things. Collared shirts and pleated khaki shorts with Rainbow flip-flops (or whatever the trending sandal is this season) and croakies holding your Oakleys to your face. Super Amurican. Also cute boys in pickup trucks, with massive work / cowboy boots (Tims are excluded from this), an old tshirt, and ratty baseball cap OR cowboy hat. Cowboy hats are special in that not all of them are good looking, but you know it when you see it. That’s Amurican.

Other things that come to mind: going to the pool with a cooler of beer, rooftop bars, concerts in a field (versus a fancy basketball stadium or something), waiting in line for an iPhone, waiting over 24 hours in line for whatever is trending this year, chugging beer, shot-gunning beer, dieting unsuccessfully, triathalons, building things from scratch, working hard, hiring people to do things for you and paying way too much, a good handshake, apple pie, fake ta-tas, HUGE fake ta-tas, eagles, the concept of the girl-next-door (and if this girl exists, she has very American blond highlights or dye job), corn bread muffins, sweet tea, Long Island ice tea, BBQ, back decks, wrap-around porches, hammocks and porch swings, football, baseball, catching a home run in the stands, American cheese (obviously), George Washington, patents, patent infringement, tailgating, kegs (of Bud Light obviously), hiking, coupons, suing someone, being sued, declaring bankruptcy and starting your own business the next year, bouncing back, fighting hard, and kicking ass.

Thanks to every military man and woman who has served, is serving, and will continue to serve our country, give their lives and time, and sacrifice awesome family time at the beach with a hamburger with AMERICAN cheese so we can all stay home, enjoy a terrorist free beach, a terrorist free concert, a terrorist free football game, pirate-free waters, and everything else. Go Amurica!

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Ding-Dong the Wicked Witch is Dead!

Last night I was lounging in my bed watching a semi-terrible movie about 16th century Venetian courtesans (I know) whilst laying a cold cloth on my sun-charred skin (consequences of drinking a billion Bud Lights and thus forgetting to reapply sunscreen at an all-day concert). Movie definitely was just turrible, but I was putting off going to sleep because my skin was sizzling with pain. I’m telling you guys, it was and still is the. Worst. Burn. I have ever had. Anyhooz. Then my super amazing pal and top 5 favorite person on the planet Rhett Butler sent me a text message: “We got bin Laden!”

So ya’ll don’t know Rhett, but he’s a major jokester. And I always fall for his jokes. As a result of this I am extremely skeptical of pretty much everything he tells me, and despite my skepticism I still fall for things which are not true on the regular. So I promptly respond, appropriately portraying my doubt: “Whatttttttttt?!?!!” Obvs. Then I immediately check the most reliable news source there is, Twitter. Obvs. And sure enough. All of my closest friends and news reporters are saying he’s dead. And even President Obama had made a statement addressing the nation giving himself, GWB, our troops, and America in general a big mondo high five. This is great news.

Then this morning when I got to the office [cough late] I proceeded to not do pretty much any work because there are so many awesome articles to read about Osama’s death. The basic gist of all headlines concerning his death: America is awesome, we love our Navy SEALs and Marines, Obama accomplished an important goal, GWB is still awesome, the Dow and the dollar are up, and gas prices fell 3%. Fantastic.

All of this rejoicing and happiness due to one man’s death makes me feel many things. I will now commence to listing them:

  • Happy: It is great that our military has accomplished something so badass as killing a man who was hiding out in a massive compound in the middle of freaking nowhere (looks actually like it was a populated and somewhat affluent city…whatevs). Apparently people thought dude couldn’t be killed and I’m filled with happiness that we proved them wrong. We are America and we rock.
  • Jolly: I laughed and have been giggling at all the Hitler and hell jokes people are making. Saw this on Twitter earlier: “Osama bin Laden just ousted Hitler as the Mayor of Hell on @foursquare!” I mean. That made me straight up laugh out loud at my desk. People got jokes ya’ll, and it is a chuckle fest up in my cubicle today.
  • Proud: Who doesn’t love being an American all the freaking time because we are always awesome, but especially now that our badass military did such a badassly awesome job killing such a turrible man. BAD.ASS. GO AMURICA!
  • Glad: that I’m not flying anytime soon. Increased alerts for terrorist attacks and in general hating on Americans by remaining sad little al Qaeda dudes make me a little hesitant to fly. You guys: let’s not all be dumb and forget they all still hate us.
  • Annoyed: but only in the smallest minute way, due to the fact that people are already criticizing how it went down. Just be happy for crying out loud that we got the biggest American hater alive. So we buried him at sea to attempt to abide by his religion’s law, big freaking deal. Take some photos, hold on to that DNA evidence, and move on to the next biggest American hater. Thank you.
  • Wanting to give out hugs: to every dude I know who is in the armed forces of any kind. You guys (and girls) are the kings (and queens) of badassery and I super love you. Big hugs and sloppy cheek smooches to every single one of you.

And that about sums it up. Go Amurica.

Completely unrelated: Me and these sassy pants now have a legit website! New URL is http://sarasassypants.com. Bookmark that jank, you guys! If you are a subscriber, you needn’t worry about your subscribe pants not arriving. How sassy is that. And now you know my first name…woop woop!

And once again, GO AMURICA!

Terrorists apologize for terrorizing, friend U.S. on facebook, world at peace. SIKE.

Preface for this entry: I know I’ve chatted before about my current dislike of pretty much everything our government is doing (other than the military kicking Taliban ass in Afghanistan and in general owning terrorist tush elsewhere in the Middle East), but I really cannot help myself on this one and must opine about the ridiculousness I read during my self-imposed 10 minute break this morning. So forgive me if you a) disagree, b) are tired of my opinion of our fine “democratic” government, or c) think I am uneducated and don’t need to be spouting about politics. Here’s my response: a) I don’t care what you think, b) I can’t help my sarcasm or at times extreme exaggeration when discussing this topic or any topic really, and c) it’s my blog, I do what I want with it. Remember: Sassy Pants. Moving on.

So maybe some of you have heard of how our Attorney General wants to try terrorists/enemies of the state in civilian court. No? Well news flash: the Attorney General / Obama Administration has said they want to try terrorists in civilian court. Because God forbid anything bad or unfair happen to terrorists! It’s not like they hate us or killed thousands of our people or are constantly plotting our deaths. It’s all good because this is America and here in America we are fair and don’t want anyone to get mad at us when we deal with our enemies. Oy. But then the public went sort of nuts about it and they kind of retracted their statements. Except I think Mr. Holder still sort of wants to hang out, maybe play some beer pong with Mr. Pants-on-Fire or Mr. I-planned-the-attack-that-killed-thousands-of-Americans. Too bad their religion forbids consuming alcohol.

Anyway, back to the most recent article. Read it. Admittedly I am not a scholar of the justice system, or the dealings of the CIA/FBI/500 other national security agencies which apparently don’t communicate with each other. But I do know that if someone is an illegal citizen and is caught in the act/planning of an attack on American citizens, he or she should be treated as an illegal enemy combatant. This doesn’t mean that this person should be subjected to torture or other excessively cruel things (not that I wouldn’t punch one of them in the face if I had the chance. Jerks), but it does mean that he or she does NOT have rights as an American citizen! Because hey! Those rights are for…American citizens! Focus on the “illegal” part of “illegal enemy combatant.”

It is annoying to me that the Attorney General is too concerned with the opinions of his “friends on the left” to think about how putting a terrorist on trial in a civilian court would impact civilians. There are too many consequences to account for here (and again I’m not a scholar so I don’t even know all of them). But you guys. If you lived in NYC, how comfortable would you be if Mr. 9/11 Mastermind was hanging out a couple blocks from your apartment on trial for his crimes? Yes, handcuffs, bright orange jump suit, tight security, blah blah blah. I wouldn’t like it. Plus, we’ve all seen Law & Order (don’t lie, you love those marathons just as much as anyone). The smallest mistake or breach of policy can get a case dismissed. How many times have you seen L&O: SVU and watched the rapist go free because the cops were too tough on him during interrogation, or something wacky happens during the trial and the judge declares a mistrial? What if this were to happen with Mr. Evil Mastermind? He’d be free. Free to plot and kill more people. Like I said before – he still hates us.  I doubt there’s been any Stockholm Syndrome going on over at Gitmo.

I also think it’s annoying that Mr. Holder is taking this one specific case of one guy pleading guilty as a victory (it is) and use it to “prove” that the rest of the bad guys should be treated nicely. This simply makes no sense. Before I go off too much more, how about I just close by saying: I agree with this article. Read it if you didn’t already. And think long and hard about who you vote for or what kind of things you support. Don’t be blinded by the ideology of the higher ups.  Fairness doesn’t exist in the world, otherwise there wouldn’t be any poor people or rich people or wars or even terrorists. Yes it’d be awful nice if we could wave peace signs in the air and apologize for being awesome so all the terrorists would like us. Something tells me that won’t work. America has never been weak before when dealing with enemies. Let’s not start now.

Not the most organized of entries, but I just wanted to say: don’t be idiots. The definition of enemy combatant is: a member of the armed forces of the state with which another state is at war. Don’t forget we are at war and our first priority should be to our own people’s safety, not the fairness and treatment of our enemies.