Hellooooooo and Happy Memorial Day! Despite being a day late for this holiday, today we’re going to discuss how awesome it is to be American and talk about the things, both tangible and intangible that make America great. Oohrah!
Firstly, foremostly, and most importantly, our entire armed services are completely BADASS. As mentioned here, the Army, Navy, Marines, Air Force, Coast Guard, National Guard, and Reserves are completely awesome and BADASS. It’s one of those times where it must be spelled in all caps all the time, because “badass” feels too small. Like it’s just kind of badass but it’s not super awesome BADASS. If you feel me. Also, name one nation who has a more BADASS military than we do. I’ll wait. Cue Jeopardy music. That’s right, you can’t. Anyone who thinks Vladimir Putin isn’t a badass is just not in the know, but he’s only one man (I mean, yikes). We have hundreds of thousands of BADASSES all over the world, many or most of which are exceedingly better looking than ol’ Vlad, AND could probably kill that tiger with their bare hands. Thanks to everyone I know and do not know who sacrifice their lives, cleanliness, pride, and all creature comforts to hunker down in the deserts and jungles and no-mans-lands of the world to keep the children of the United States of America safe from dirty commies, terrorists, and etc. bad guys. Luh you.
And now on to less serious and less important but perhaps more entertaining and slightly more comical but definitely still awesome things that make Amurica great. I’d like to start out by saying that pretty much everything discussed here is only available to us because we have such awesome BADASSES protecting our country. So it’s two fold: going to the beach on Memorial Day weekend is awesome but it’s even MORE awesome because we are being kept safe by men and women who can’t go to the beach because they be busy hunting terrorists. Thanks ya’ll. Ok for real here we go.
Sort of an obvious one, but going to the beach for a long weekend is totally Amurican. Wearing teeny tiny bikinis, even when you are way too large to wear such garments is also totally and completely Amurican. Wearing super skimpy banana suits is not Amurican and may I say I’m glad (for the most part). Keep your shorts on, guys. Cookouts are also super Amurican, some of which even take place on the beach, which makes it that much more Amurican. Hot dogs, hamburgers (with AMERICAN cheese, obviously), chips or some yummy waffle fries, and some Bud Light. Maybe even Corona. I hear they don’t drink that in Mexico which makes it that much more Amurican. A game of corn hole is so completely Amurican, especially when it takes place at aforementioned cookout on the beach. Beer pong also is pretty Amurican.
If you have a boat you are totally Amurican. And if you took your boat out on the lake, river, sound, bay, gulf, ocean, etc. body of water and ate hot dogs, hamburgers (with AMERICAN cheese, obviously), potato chips and washed it all down with some delicious Bud Light, perhaps while singing country music, and towing some of your buddies behind the boat in a tube or wakeboard, you are so Amurican. Boating is completely Amurican. I can’t say how many boats I saw in transit this weekend. It looks super fun. Also thanks to my cousin’s Facebook post, I saw one boat sinking off of a small island in Destin, FL. Good times. Which leads me to: it’s super Amurican to have or use a tractor. I know people use tractors all around the world. And that John Deere is basically the only American name for a tractor brand (Kubota = clearly not American) (though Caterpillar sounds pretty American), something about just the word “tractor” is super Amurican. Say it out loud. TRACK-ter. Fun, yes?
The epic 9-day cruise I took with my mother ended over Memorial Day weekend. Upon leaving and re-entering the Chesapeake Bay and the Port of Baltimore, we had a United States Coast Guard escort, complete with a completely BADASS guy holding a machine gun at the helm. The entire scene was completely BADASS and American. Also slightly sexy. Something about a man in a uniform with an automatic rifle. Is it just me? Anyway. Sexy is also super American, but I will say there are plenty of Italian and Greek and even British men I think are sexy so that’s not an exclusively American thing. I’m about to digress so lets move on…
…to more American things. Collared shirts and pleated khaki shorts with Rainbow flip-flops (or whatever the trending sandal is this season) and croakies holding your Oakleys to your face. Super Amurican. Also cute boys in pickup trucks, with massive work / cowboy boots (Tims are excluded from this), an old tshirt, and ratty baseball cap OR cowboy hat. Cowboy hats are special in that not all of them are good looking, but you know it when you see it. That’s Amurican.
Other things that come to mind: going to the pool with a cooler of beer, rooftop bars, concerts in a field (versus a fancy basketball stadium or something), waiting in line for an iPhone, waiting over 24 hours in line for whatever is trending this year, chugging beer, shot-gunning beer, dieting unsuccessfully, triathalons, building things from scratch, working hard, hiring people to do things for you and paying way too much, a good handshake, apple pie, fake ta-tas, HUGE fake ta-tas, eagles, the concept of the girl-next-door (and if this girl exists, she has very American blond highlights or dye job), corn bread muffins, sweet tea, Long Island ice tea, BBQ, back decks, wrap-around porches, hammocks and porch swings, football, baseball, catching a home run in the stands, American cheese (obviously), George Washington, patents, patent infringement, tailgating, kegs (of Bud Light obviously), hiking, coupons, suing someone, being sued, declaring bankruptcy and starting your own business the next year, bouncing back, fighting hard, and kicking ass.
Thanks to every military man and woman who has served, is serving, and will continue to serve our country, give their lives and time, and sacrifice awesome family time at the beach with a hamburger with AMERICAN cheese so we can all stay home, enjoy a terrorist free beach, a terrorist free concert, a terrorist free football game, pirate-free waters, and everything else. Go Amurica!