Battle of the Bombshell Bras

I am in the market for a new strapless bra. TMI? Just go with it.

If you didn’t know, bras only last for a max of 2 years before the wires get all funky or the elastic loses it’s elasticity, or the little wire hooks rip off or d) all of the above. Or perhaps e) your dog eats it and it’s no longer wearable. Or I suppose there’s always f) a size issue. You gain weight, either by getting pregnant or eating too many Cookout corndogs and milkshakes (not that I know anyone who does this currently), or you lose weight by cutting out the Cookout corndogs and sticking to low-fat milkshakes (an awesome idea, except low-fat anything typically = tasteless…not worth it).

Let’s not digress. I’m in the market. And I’ve started looking and asking around. Customer recommendations hold a heavy weight when it comes to these kinds of purchases. Other women are a great source for one to find out how exactly a bra fits. Does it stay up? Does it dig into your side and leave permanent hideous and painful marks on your skin? Does it make you feel like a goddess with perfect ta-tas? Does it squish the girls down and bring you back to 6th grade? You get the idea.

Other women are also a bad source, because we’re all different. I’m an A. But so is a friend of mine, and we can’t share bras. Also any girl will tell you, just because you’re one size in one brand, doesn’t mean every style or brand in that size will fit. Weird. Annoying, also. I own a bra that’s a B, but I guarantee you I’m not a B. It’s a fluke. Or maybe I am a B, just in that particular cut of bra. Which makes it annoying. It also makes it depressing because I could get excited about [extremely] belated boob growth only to be deflated (pun?) when any other style bra in a B is extremely huge. Also I have this weird pokey rib situation, which sometimes complicates things. TMI?

Bottom line is, there is no standard. It’s not like shoes. Or t-shirts, where you’re a small, medium, large, or extra-large. If only.

Since I purchased 90 new swim suits earlier in the spring, I now receive 12 Victoria’s Secret catalogs per week. Hardly an exaggeration. I obviously look at all of them even though these catalogs are probably the worst ones in existence for a girl’s self-esteem. I mean. I don’t even have to explain this. I also enjoy the little tag lines throughout these things. My favorite are the “special sale” ones. Literally there are pages claiming that, “Even Supermodels Love Sales!” Well then! If even supermodels love this sale, then I surely should buy something! It’s that good! Yeesh. As if they don’t receive a lifetime supply of bras and other hoo-ha coverings (or not-so-much-coverings) for free.

In just looking at VS for a new bra, I am astounded at the number of choices and the naming conventions. Not astounded actually. Just annoyed. There’s demi-cut, which to this day I still cannot figure out. There’s the sexy cut. Which makes no sense to me, since I sort of think all bras sold by VS are supposed to be sexy, at least on the models with minute 12 inch waists and D-cup boobs.

Side thought. If anything in life were to actually be categorized as unfair, it’s that these models are either a) really shaped like this, with ridiculously gorgeous long legs, perfect long torsos with tiny waists, and huge ta-tas, OR b) that even if this is not the reality of their shapes, that they are allowed to be portrayed to the general and innocent public looking so. It is for this reason alone that I never purchase any of their “bra-tops.” Because no one looks as good in real life in one of those things, no matter what the neckline looks like, as those girls.

Back to bra picking. I have studied the choices and I cannot figure out the difference between the “Gorgeous,” “Incredible,” “Miraculous,” “Bombshell,” and the “Very Sexy” lines other than one has some bows on the straps, and they come in different colors. Some of them have adjustable and changeable straps, but that has nothing to do with the actual bra part – the part that holds those ladies in place.They all have insane padding and give me the impression that I could get stripper boobs just by purchasing this bra.

The comforting thing is that at least VS has sales all the time. Which means when I finally decide if I want to be a bombshell, incredible, gorgeous, or very sexy, or PINK , I could at least get my choice at 20% off. I sort of want to be an incredibly gorgeous and miraculously very sexy bombshell, who occasionally wears pink, but perhaps that’s just too much to ask.

It’s too bad I can’t wear my new bikini tops under work clothes [and not get funny looks / be sent to HR / fired] because those things are comfortable and they fit well. And then I wouldn’t have to worry about bra straps showing and I wouldn’t even have to think about what kind of strapless bra to buy. I’d wear a swim suit every day and gladly show everyone that I’m ready for the beach, or at least the neighborhood pool, with my halter top bow peeking out from my button-down.

Maybe I need to switch professions, and then I could give all my bras away. To the trash can. Who’s down for $14.99 bikini tops as bras from now on? I might not be a bombshell or even moderately sexy, but at least I’d be comfortable. And ready for a spontaneous trip to the pool.

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