A Reading from the Diary of an American Teenager According to Facebook

Anybody been on Facebook lately? Hands in the air. Then you’ve seen all the ridiculous postings going on that are making me want to cry a thousand tears as I sit at my desk in my small corporate cubicle eating peanut butter out of the jar wishing that I too was, “so excited to be at the beachhhhhh with my babyyyy it is soOoOoOoo sunny and beautifullllllll!!!!” Gag. Good times with the alternating capital letters in the middle of a word. Anyway. I recently went on a 9 day cruise and have another mini beach vacation coming up so I can’t really complain, even though I still do while I stuff my face with peanut butter and try not to hover near the windows, gazing at the sunny parking lot.

Moving on. Through acquaintances and family, I have some friends on FB who are still in school. Like middle school. And high school. It’s so cute. It’s also terrible because I see this one girl and I’m like OMG how are you so pretty in the 7th grade, it’s not even fair. Then I realize she’s not in 7th grade anymore but practically driving herself around and I’m like holy mother I’m so old, she was like 6 years old yesterday and now she has boys chasing her and her perfect hair, probably around the mall. Ugh. My hair was so gross during that phase of life.

Reading this age-group’s statuses keeps me young though, so I torture myself by keeping them in my newsfeed when I could so easily click the little x in the corner and choose “Hide All by Anyone Still in Puberty.” Right? How cool would that option be! Anyway. These messages take me back to the days of earnest angst and crazy intense feelings for things we can’t even spell. Check out this tribute to my 12-year-old self and my loving father here. Things like this gem: “I love my baby so much she makes me so happy and I can’t wait to see her tonight!!” I want to know how long these two have been “together.” 3 days? “I have the best boyfriend in the entire universe he rox my world babyyyy luv uuuuuuu!!!” How about this one? A week? I once had a relationship last about 6 days. It was epic. We walked to the pool arm in arm and I don’t remember if we kissed, but if we did I’m sure it was record-breaking amazing, seeing as at that point I’d had so much experience kissing boys. Fun. I recall after the first 3 days how special I felt, and how I couldn’t wait for the rest of my life and being at school with him and how awesome it was going to be to eat lunch together and maybe we’d even hold hands!! Sigh. Then 3 more days went by and we had a phone call that went something like this:

“Hey.”
“Wussup.”
[30 minute convo about something random and pointless, probably gossiping]
“So.”
“So, I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
“K, cool.”
“K, well, see you at the pool tomorrow.”
“Yeah, cool, I’m bringing pizza.”
“Sweeeeet, can you get breadsticks too?!”
“Definitely.”
“K, bye.”
“See ya.”

Completely harmless. I remember not being upset and literally hanging out the next day eating pizza. NBD. The boyfriend before this one though, my 7th grade love, was definitely more intense. We passed notes during school, and I distinctly remember one of his friends passing me in the hall and saying, “Hey, you’re Jason’s girl, aren’t you?” Duh! Jason’s girl! As if they didn’t know! [His name wasn’t Jason, natch] I died and went to heaven in that moment as I proudly answered, “Yes, I sure am.” It was probably more of a shy, meekly mumbled, “yeah,” but it was so cool to be “someone’s girl.” Looking back I try to recall how long it was after that encounter that I remained his girl, until he broke up with me in the hall after lunch. Miserable. If I had known, I wonder if I would have answered the question differently: “Yeah I am for now, until he discovers boobs then I’ll be toast. Love him though!” I think it was shortly after the breakup that I started waxing my eyebrows. Good times.

It also kills me that this age group quotes all the ridiculously romantic country songs that sing about true love when you’re 17. Name one person who had true love when they were 17 and it lasted until they were 18. Ok so I just thought of 2 couples I was in high school with who are now happily married. Point ruined. But seriously, it’s not that common. I would guestimate that maybe 90% of “relationships,” if they can even be called that, are sustainable when started at a time when girls are obsessed with Britney Spears or some equivalent, and boys are making up stories about all the sex they’re having. And now that I’ve written that, seems like not much has changed now that we’re “grown,” except we mostly dress better and maybe scream / hyperventilate a little less frequently. Still love Britney/Gaga. Still making up stories about our sex lives.  Since I’m disproving the point I’m trying to make I’ll move on. All I really want to say is that I sort of wish that someone would tell these kids to just take it easy and calm down. It must be so stressful to go from this: “this is the BEST day of my life my baby is amazing and i love him so much omgomgomg!!!” to this: “life SUX rite nowwwww UGH. [insert totally emo song lyric]” in less than an hour.

But that’s the beauty I guess of that time of our lives. When you’re in it, everyone is telling you it’s no big deal, he’s not that great, you’ll get over it, and my favorite: “When you’re older you’ll look back on this and laugh.” If I had a penny for every time I heard that in middle and high school, my retirement fund would be double it’s current size. And of course now I see all these things happening to other “kids” the same way it happened to me, and I see their reactions giving me dejavu of my reactions, and what do I think? I shake my head and say, oh when they’re older they’ll look back on this and say “WHY the heck did I post that jank on the world wide web!?” AKA you’ll look back and laugh. And then apologize to your parents for being such drama queenz. I did.

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3 responses to “A Reading from the Diary of an American Teenager According to Facebook

  1. Oh, Miss Sassy, you put a smile on Momma Sassy’s face again today! (And I think you know how very much I needed to smile/laugh on this particular day.) May I also tell you how much your phonecall made Grandad Pants and Grandmom Sassy smile today as well. I love you. 🙂

  2. Oh don’t you hate when your hear “those” words come out of your mouth that
    “those parents who didn’t know what was going on” once said? Generation after generation go through the same thing. I wishe we didn’t have to wait til it was to late to see the things “those parents” tell us are true. Wait til you repeat them to your own children! Thank you for your post, they always give me a smile just when I need one! Keep it up Miss Sassy cuz Momma Deb loves it and you!

  3. hahah loved the post. ohhhh middle school…. thank goodness those days are over!

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