Last night I was lounging in my bed watching a semi-terrible movie about 16th century Venetian courtesans (I know) whilst laying a cold cloth on my sun-charred skin (consequences of drinking a billion Bud Lights and thus forgetting to reapply sunscreen at an all-day concert). Movie definitely was just turrible, but I was putting off going to sleep because my skin was sizzling with pain. I’m telling you guys, it was and still is the. Worst. Burn. I have ever had. Anyhooz. Then my super amazing pal and top 5 favorite person on the planet Rhett Butler sent me a text message: “We got bin Laden!”
So ya’ll don’t know Rhett, but he’s a major jokester. And I always fall for his jokes. As a result of this I am extremely skeptical of pretty much everything he tells me, and despite my skepticism I still fall for things which are not true on the regular. So I promptly respond, appropriately portraying my doubt: “Whatttttttttt?!?!!” Obvs. Then I immediately check the most reliable news source there is, Twitter. Obvs. And sure enough. All of my closest friends and news reporters are saying he’s dead. And even President Obama had made a statement addressing the nation giving himself, GWB, our troops, and America in general a big mondo high five. This is great news.
Then this morning when I got to the office [cough late] I proceeded to not do pretty much any work because there are so many awesome articles to read about Osama’s death. The basic gist of all headlines concerning his death: America is awesome, we love our Navy SEALs and Marines, Obama accomplished an important goal, GWB is still awesome, the Dow and the dollar are up, and gas prices fell 3%. Fantastic.
All of this rejoicing and happiness due to one man’s death makes me feel many things. I will now commence to listing them:
- Happy: It is great that our military has accomplished something so badass as killing a man who was hiding out in a massive compound in the middle of freaking nowhere (looks actually like it was a populated and somewhat affluent city…whatevs). Apparently people thought dude couldn’t be killed and I’m filled with happiness that we proved them wrong. We are America and we rock.
- Jolly: I laughed and have been giggling at all the Hitler and hell jokes people are making. Saw this on Twitter earlier: “Osama bin Laden just ousted Hitler as the Mayor of Hell on @foursquare!” I mean. That made me straight up laugh out loud at my desk. People got jokes ya’ll, and it is a chuckle fest up in my cubicle today.
- Proud: Who doesn’t love being an American all the freaking time because we are always awesome, but especially now that our badass military did such a badassly awesome job killing such a turrible man. BAD.ASS. GO AMURICA!
- Glad: that I’m not flying anytime soon. Increased alerts for terrorist attacks and in general hating on Americans by remaining sad little al Qaeda dudes make me a little hesitant to fly. You guys: let’s not all be dumb and forget they all still hate us.
- Annoyed: but only in the smallest minute way, due to the fact that people are already criticizing how it went down. Just be happy for crying out loud that we got the biggest American hater alive. So we buried him at sea to attempt to abide by his religion’s law, big freaking deal. Take some photos, hold on to that DNA evidence, and move on to the next biggest American hater. Thank you.
- Wanting to give out hugs: to every dude I know who is in the armed forces of any kind. You guys (and girls) are the kings (and queens) of badassery and I super love you. Big hugs and sloppy cheek smooches to every single one of you.
And that about sums it up. Go Amurica.
Completely unrelated: Me and these sassy pants now have a legit website! New URL is http://sarasassypants.com. Bookmark that jank, you guys! If you are a subscriber, you needn’t worry about your subscribe pants not arriving. How sassy is that. And now you know my first name…woop woop!
And once again, GO AMURICA!