Monthly Archives: May 2011

Proud to be an American, where at least I know I’m free

Hellooooooo and Happy Memorial Day! Despite being a day late for this holiday, today we’re going to discuss how awesome it is to be American and talk about the things, both tangible and intangible that make America great. Oohrah!

Firstly, foremostly, and most importantly, our entire armed services are completely BADASS. As mentioned here, the Army, Navy, Marines, Air Force, Coast Guard, National Guard, and Reserves are completely awesome and BADASS. It’s one of those times where it must be spelled in all caps all the time, because “badass” feels too small. Like it’s just kind of badass but it’s not super awesome BADASS. If you feel me. Also, name one nation who has a more BADASS military than we do. I’ll wait. Cue Jeopardy music. That’s right, you can’t. Anyone who thinks Vladimir Putin isn’t a badass is just not in the know, but he’s only one man (I mean, yikes). We have hundreds of thousands of BADASSES all over the world, many or most of which are exceedingly better looking than ol’ Vlad, AND could probably kill that tiger with their bare hands. Thanks to everyone I know and do not know who sacrifice their lives, cleanliness, pride, and all creature comforts to hunker down in the deserts and jungles and no-mans-lands of the world to keep the children of the United States of America safe from dirty commies, terrorists, and etc. bad guys. Luh you.

And now on to less serious and less important but perhaps more entertaining and slightly more comical but definitely still awesome things that make Amurica great. I’d like to start out by saying that pretty much everything discussed here is only available to us because we have such awesome BADASSES protecting our country. So it’s two fold: going to the beach on Memorial Day weekend is awesome but it’s even MORE awesome because we are being kept safe by men and women who can’t go to the beach because they be busy hunting terrorists. Thanks ya’ll. Ok for real here we go.

Sort of an obvious one, but going to the beach for a long weekend is totally Amurican. Wearing teeny tiny bikinis, even when you are way too large to wear such garments is also totally and completely Amurican. Wearing super skimpy banana suits is not Amurican and may I say I’m glad (for the most part). Keep your shorts on, guys. Cookouts are also super Amurican, some of which even take place on the beach, which makes it that much more Amurican. Hot dogs, hamburgers (with AMERICAN cheese, obviously), chips or some yummy waffle fries, and some Bud Light. Maybe even Corona. I hear they don’t drink that in Mexico which makes it that much more Amurican. A game of corn hole is so completely Amurican, especially when it takes place at aforementioned cookout on the beach. Beer pong also is pretty Amurican.

If you have a boat you are totally Amurican. And if you took your boat out on the lake, river, sound, bay, gulf, ocean, etc. body of water and ate hot dogs, hamburgers (with AMERICAN cheese, obviously), potato chips and washed it all down with some delicious Bud Light, perhaps while singing country music, and towing some of your buddies behind the boat in a tube or wakeboard, you are so Amurican. Boating is completely Amurican. I can’t say how many boats I saw in transit this weekend. It looks super fun. Also thanks to my cousin’s Facebook post, I saw one boat sinking off of a small island in Destin, FL. Good times. Which leads me to: it’s super Amurican to have or use a tractor. I know people use tractors all around the world. And that John Deere is basically the only American name for a tractor brand (Kubota = clearly not American) (though Caterpillar sounds pretty American), something about just the word “tractor” is super Amurican. Say it out loud. TRACK-ter. Fun, yes?

The epic 9-day cruise I took with my mother ended over Memorial Day weekend. Upon leaving and re-entering the Chesapeake Bay and the Port of Baltimore, we had a United States Coast Guard escort, complete with a completely BADASS guy holding a machine gun at the helm. The entire scene was completely BADASS and American. Also slightly sexy. Something about a man in a uniform with an automatic rifle. Is it just me? Anyway. Sexy is also super American, but I will say there are plenty of Italian and Greek and even British men I think are sexy so that’s not an exclusively American thing. I’m about to digress so lets move on…

…to more American things. Collared shirts and pleated khaki shorts with Rainbow flip-flops (or whatever the trending sandal is this season) and croakies holding your Oakleys to your face. Super Amurican. Also cute boys in pickup trucks, with massive work / cowboy boots (Tims are excluded from this), an old tshirt, and ratty baseball cap OR cowboy hat. Cowboy hats are special in that not all of them are good looking, but you know it when you see it. That’s Amurican.

Other things that come to mind: going to the pool with a cooler of beer, rooftop bars, concerts in a field (versus a fancy basketball stadium or something), waiting in line for an iPhone, waiting over 24 hours in line for whatever is trending this year, chugging beer, shot-gunning beer, dieting unsuccessfully, triathalons, building things from scratch, working hard, hiring people to do things for you and paying way too much, a good handshake, apple pie, fake ta-tas, HUGE fake ta-tas, eagles, the concept of the girl-next-door (and if this girl exists, she has very American blond highlights or dye job), corn bread muffins, sweet tea, Long Island ice tea, BBQ, back decks, wrap-around porches, hammocks and porch swings, football, baseball, catching a home run in the stands, American cheese (obviously), George Washington, patents, patent infringement, tailgating, kegs (of Bud Light obviously), hiking, coupons, suing someone, being sued, declaring bankruptcy and starting your own business the next year, bouncing back, fighting hard, and kicking ass.

Thanks to every military man and woman who has served, is serving, and will continue to serve our country, give their lives and time, and sacrifice awesome family time at the beach with a hamburger with AMERICAN cheese so we can all stay home, enjoy a terrorist free beach, a terrorist free concert, a terrorist free football game, pirate-free waters, and everything else. Go Amurica!

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Raleigh To-Do List…because I love lists!

You guys. I am still alive. I feel like my frequency of posting has sharply declined of late, and I’m here to tell you there is no solution in sight. My life is hunky-dory not super exciting, and I haven’t been to Jason’s Deli to get hit on lately …dude, total flashback to my very first post ever…good times. But I’ve been trying to make life interesting, I swear. Things with my man-friend are going well. Though if they weren’t going well / if we break up, you can be sure I will not be opining about the drama-dramz on this jank. BUT, much like when I moved to California for that brief moment in time, I made a list of things I wanted to accomplish and I pretty much accomplished everything. In an effort to enjoy the place I am now calling home as much as the place I never intended to call home, I’ve compiled a list of things I would super love to accomplish maybe in the next year. The tricky part about this is that there isn’t really a deadline like my previous time since I am not moving away after a short 6 months. Very pleased about this, however with no deadline I find myself putting off things I really want to do. So here we go. And even though I’ve marked some things as “done,” you can be sure most of these will be repeat offenders, especially ones that involve food. Duh.

Go to the Raleigh Farmer’s Market (done). Wander the Raleigh Flea Market (done). Run a 5k downtown (June). Try as many Asian restaurants as possible (in progress). Party in Chapel Hill with one of my oldest friends (done). Get swanky and go to Solas (done). Play trivia at Flying Saucer on Tuesdays and lose weekly. Ride the R-Line at least once just because. Try everything at Sitti (in progress). Go to Raleigh First Fridays and watch Roomz kill it with the fire hoop (done). Check out as many galleries and live bands at First Fridays as possible. Hike through Umstead Park (done). Hike through Umstead Park numerous times since there are bunches of trails. Trail running near the Neuse River (done). Eat at Sono on Fayetteville Street. Find somewhere to go kayaking. Visit the museums near the Capitol (done). Get a tour of the Capitol. Walk through the gardens at the NC State Arboretum (done). Check out paintings and sculptures at the Raleigh Museum of Fine Art (done). Eat at Cookout (done, done, and done) . Bike First Fridays (tbd!). Volunteer at the Raleigh Food Bank (done…to be continued). Find the Raleigh Boys and Girls Club. Dine in downtown Apex (done). Tour NC State (done). Tour Duke. Fine Italian dining in Durham (done). Go to Durham Bulls game (done). Attend a play or musical at the Durham Performing Arts Center, or DPAC as the cool people call it. See Alison Krauss at the Koka Booth Amphitheater in Cary. See Ray LaMontagne and Brandi Carslile at the Koka Booth Amphitheater in Cary. Go to at least 3 country music concerts. Attend church at the Cathedral of the Sacred Heart downtown (done…and yes, Ma, to be continued). Check off things from LivingSocial’s list of 365 things to do in Raleigh. Enjoy breakfast at Humble Pie (done – delish). Take in practically the only view of the downtown city-scape from Boylan Bridge Brewpub while enjoying a flight of their specialties (done). Tour the brewpub, but apparently on on a weekday. Drive the historic district of downtown Raleigh (done).  Eat fancy but extremely delicious BBQ at The Pit. Spend all day drinking Bud Light at the Triangle Beach Music Festival (done, sunburn to prove it).

In addition to all the great things there are to do in Raleigh / Durham / Chapel Hill, there are some fantastic little towns and cities in this state and I can’t wait to see them and buy some antiques or something. And here they are.

Weekend trip to Asheville. Visit my aunt in Boone. See if Pittsboro is nicer than its name. Explore Apex. Find out if Wake Forest University actually used to be in Wake Forest. Visit Graham, South Port, Sanford, and Smithfield…see if these places are as quaint as they sound. Try to have a celeb citing in Wilmington (are they even shooting One Tree Hill anymore?). Do as the locals do and spend the day at one of the beaches in Wilmington. Try to get to every little town on the Outer Banks, even though they are just as far away from here as they are from Richmond. Go figure. Visit Winston-Salem and Greensboro for more than a day. Taste the wines at all the local wineries…only one I’ve found so far is Iron Gate Farm in Mebane (pronounced MEH-bin, not Mee-BANE as it seems like it would be).

One additional goal I have for the next year is to get my own place of residence. I love living with Roomz and admittedly it is a pretty sweet arrangement at a pretty awesome price, and I love having Roomz as my roomz. She’s awesome. Also I love living 1.5 miles from my office. But in less than a year I would like to be the proud owner or renter of an apartment or condo downtown that I can call my very own. Can’t wait to make this a reality.

So I think I have a pretty decent list for my modest time frame of one year. Any locals please feel free to leave some suggestions in the comments! I’m always looking for new things to do and new ways to enjoy the Triangle. I love living here and can’t wait to cross more things off my list. Feel free to come visit and enjoy it with me!

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changessssss

Dude! I got a domain name! I am now the proud owner of sarasassypants.com! Cool! This means nothing to anyone but me, and for you only means you don’t have to type “.wordpress” anymore. But if you still want to, you can, because there’s this cool thing called URL redirect, and you’ll end up here anyway. You can’t escape me. I mean you could, simply by not typing anything or clicking anything. But. Anyway. Get excited. Because there’s going to be some super newness coming your way sometime in the relatively near future. The timeframe is vague because I have this thing called a real job (I know, it’s shocking that no one pays me for this jank, right?!) that kind of eats into the time I can spend here at Miss Sassy Pants. But keep your eyes open for some changes and new fun stuff. That’s all I can say really, not because it’s a surprise, but because I haven’t figured it all out yet. But I know it’s coming. Much like 2012 is coming, and the world may or may not end and we may or may not get to elect a new president and we may or may not even see another Olympic Games. Yikes. But change is for certain. And change is good.

For now, all you need to know is: sarasassypants.com. Save it.

This Little Baby Needs to Winky-Tinky!

I am betting that no one knows the origin of this entry’s title. And no, it’s not Teletubbies, Mr. Smarty Pants. If you’ve never seen Paper Moon, you really must. It’s a great movie, full of laughs, sadness, and a look into 1930’s middle America, which at that point meant low America given the Great Depression and all. But I think the best part of the entire movie is the woman with whom one of the main characters is involved during part of the movie. You don’t need to know details (just go watch it), only that the woman’s name is Trixie Delight (awesome) and she is a woman of questionable character, though apparently has some kind of talent. Singing, or something. Anyway. Her claim to hilarity fame in this movie is that during their road trip to where ever, Miss Trixie is forever needing to potty. In modern times I’m guessing she’d have some kind of UTI, given that she is a woman of questionable character, but that’s unimportant as well. It’s only mentionable because every time she feels the urge, she’ll say, “This little baby needs to winky-tinky!” I super love this and laughed every time.

A few months ago, Momma Sassy and I were conversing via telephone. We’re about to hang up and she says, “this little baby needs to winky-tinky!” I wish I could post recordings on this thing because the tone really is what gets me. Having never heard this saying before, I am understandably perplexed and, giggling like a 6-year-old, I inquire as to the origins of this phrase. She explains it, and it becomes our thing. I said it in public once and got funny looks. Anyway, this little thing of ours inspired me to begin an unofficial list of hilarious things my mother does. She is the greatest, and is probably crying right now as she reads this because that’s just how she is. Love you, Ma.

Recently Momma got a new phone. Not just any phone either, a Droid. With a touch screen and everything. This was a great happening for everyone, since her old phone held a charge for about 5 seconds before it would die and turn off with zero warning. This limited our multi-daily conversations and really wasn’t working for me. So when she got this new phone it was awesome. Best parts about it according to her: “I can get on Facebook at work! I’m no longer bored!” Haha. My favorite part is that now I get butt-dialed. She keeps the big honkin thing in her back pocket when running errands and always forgets to lock it. The first couple times I was thinking something terrible was happening to her – you know like in the movies where someone being robbed or whatever will place a call and just hope the listener on the other end comes to their aid. Yeesh. We had a lesson in phone-locking which seems to have done no good, but at least I know she’s not sending distress signals. Once I overheard an argument with a salesperson somewhere. Good times.

I love eating out, and so does Momma Sassy. It means she doesn’t have to cook and it means I don’t have to do dishes. Gross. But she likes what she likes, you know. Ask anyone in our entire family and extended friend circle and they’ll know that dear mother is famous for special needs at the lunch or dinner table. Could you please leave out the mayonnaise in your home-made dressing and possibly can I get the dressing on the side? And does it include pickle relish? Because I really dislike pickle relish. Unless the relish has no pickles in which case it’s fine (and really is it even relish if it has no pickles?). Well could you please check? I really just don’t like pickle relish. And could you make it an egg-white omlette? Wonderful. Hilariously, though not surprising to anyone probably, I now have these tendencies. Loves.

Something less specific that I so love: occasionally we (we = whoever is around) will chuckle or poke fun at something Momma-Sassy-specific that she does, and she will say, “Ya’ll will just have one more thing to talk about at my funeral!” And even thought it’s slightly morbid, it’s hilarious. Though she is right we are amassing a long list of comical and loving anecdotes to share, the day is so far away I’d rather not mention it on the regular. And the day is so far away because…

Momma now does P90X on the regular. Every day. Even the yoga, which I believe she had previously classified as being “only for hippies.” She is so dedicated that she could now be one of those case-study people they always show on the infomercials and website that people look at and think, “um wow, is that real?” Simple answer, yes. The funniest part of all of this is that she now quotes Tony, the instructor, like he comes to our house daily and personally instructs just her. “Well Tony says if you do this, then blah blah blah.” Well! If Tony says, then it must be so! AND. She now is the proud owner of an official P90X workout tank. This is not funny really in itself, except I can’t wait to see her wear it and do the funny X that she does with her arms while saying “EXXXX!! Yeah baby!” Hilarious. Can’t knock it though, because that jank works and she got a 100% on her health risk assessment. High five Momma.

I have a massive list of awesome and hilarous things Momma does to make her special, but will only expand on this last one because it’s probably in my top 10 funniest / funnest to make fun of. Freezing food. Raise your hand if your mom has never frozen any food. I bet there are no hands raised anywhere. But Momma Sassy is famous for this. She will freeze ANYTHING. Literally. Noodles. Soup. Pasta sauce. Meatballs. Butter. Fish. Cooked chicken. Cake. Fruit. Cooked anything and uncooked anything. This list in itself is not unusual, but it is hard to describe that she will literally freeze anything – if you can eat it, she will try to freeze it should there be any left over. And of course this means that it is basically good for at least 10 years. Oh, that container of whatever that is in the back of the freezer? Used to have a label with a date but now the ice is covering it? I’m sure it’s fine. It’s been frozen! We have slowly but surely over the years come to terms with the fact that yes, most things freeze well but not all. And there is a time limit, despite the science behind this preservation tactic. No one wants to eat that unidentified thing in the warped Glad container. No one.

Other awesome things that Momma does: fixes pants, sews buttons, makes the best deviled eggs, memorizes shopping malls after 5 minutes of being there, runs the most efficient errands ever, always knows the most efficient path from mall to mall, craft store to craft store, and how much that item is selling at Costco. If Costco sells it, she will buy it there instead of anywhere else. Momma also sings beautifully, plays piano, loves Christmas carols to the point of annoying everyone else about singing the super obscure songs that no one knows. She loves her dogs and thinks of them as my sisters (hardy har). She listens to me gripe, offers sympathy when I need it and some tough love and great advice when I don’t.

She is the best mommy in the world! Happy Mother’s Day to my dear Momma Sassy, and to all great and hilarious mommies out there.

Ding-Dong the Wicked Witch is Dead!

Last night I was lounging in my bed watching a semi-terrible movie about 16th century Venetian courtesans (I know) whilst laying a cold cloth on my sun-charred skin (consequences of drinking a billion Bud Lights and thus forgetting to reapply sunscreen at an all-day concert). Movie definitely was just turrible, but I was putting off going to sleep because my skin was sizzling with pain. I’m telling you guys, it was and still is the. Worst. Burn. I have ever had. Anyhooz. Then my super amazing pal and top 5 favorite person on the planet Rhett Butler sent me a text message: “We got bin Laden!”

So ya’ll don’t know Rhett, but he’s a major jokester. And I always fall for his jokes. As a result of this I am extremely skeptical of pretty much everything he tells me, and despite my skepticism I still fall for things which are not true on the regular. So I promptly respond, appropriately portraying my doubt: “Whatttttttttt?!?!!” Obvs. Then I immediately check the most reliable news source there is, Twitter. Obvs. And sure enough. All of my closest friends and news reporters are saying he’s dead. And even President Obama had made a statement addressing the nation giving himself, GWB, our troops, and America in general a big mondo high five. This is great news.

Then this morning when I got to the office [cough late] I proceeded to not do pretty much any work because there are so many awesome articles to read about Osama’s death. The basic gist of all headlines concerning his death: America is awesome, we love our Navy SEALs and Marines, Obama accomplished an important goal, GWB is still awesome, the Dow and the dollar are up, and gas prices fell 3%. Fantastic.

All of this rejoicing and happiness due to one man’s death makes me feel many things. I will now commence to listing them:

  • Happy: It is great that our military has accomplished something so badass as killing a man who was hiding out in a massive compound in the middle of freaking nowhere (looks actually like it was a populated and somewhat affluent city…whatevs). Apparently people thought dude couldn’t be killed and I’m filled with happiness that we proved them wrong. We are America and we rock.
  • Jolly: I laughed and have been giggling at all the Hitler and hell jokes people are making. Saw this on Twitter earlier: “Osama bin Laden just ousted Hitler as the Mayor of Hell on @foursquare!” I mean. That made me straight up laugh out loud at my desk. People got jokes ya’ll, and it is a chuckle fest up in my cubicle today.
  • Proud: Who doesn’t love being an American all the freaking time because we are always awesome, but especially now that our badass military did such a badassly awesome job killing such a turrible man. BAD.ASS. GO AMURICA!
  • Glad: that I’m not flying anytime soon. Increased alerts for terrorist attacks and in general hating on Americans by remaining sad little al Qaeda dudes make me a little hesitant to fly. You guys: let’s not all be dumb and forget they all still hate us.
  • Annoyed: but only in the smallest minute way, due to the fact that people are already criticizing how it went down. Just be happy for crying out loud that we got the biggest American hater alive. So we buried him at sea to attempt to abide by his religion’s law, big freaking deal. Take some photos, hold on to that DNA evidence, and move on to the next biggest American hater. Thank you.
  • Wanting to give out hugs: to every dude I know who is in the armed forces of any kind. You guys (and girls) are the kings (and queens) of badassery and I super love you. Big hugs and sloppy cheek smooches to every single one of you.

And that about sums it up. Go Amurica.

Completely unrelated: Me and these sassy pants now have a legit website! New URL is http://sarasassypants.com. Bookmark that jank, you guys! If you are a subscriber, you needn’t worry about your subscribe pants not arriving. How sassy is that. And now you know my first name…woop woop!

And once again, GO AMURICA!