I’m about to be shallow, just let it happen

Last weekend I had an epically long convo with Miz Foxy-fox on my odyssey from DC back to Raleigh. [Side note: embarking on a 5 hour car drive on a Sunday night around 9pm after an entire weekend of little to no sleep is not wise.] We, shockingly, had a long discussion about boys. I know, it’s like, we just never talk about boys so I thought, like, it was about time.

She was telling me about her awesomely fun weekend during which she met a super cute boy. Only he was not really that cute, only sort of cute and he was also sort of chubby but not really fat but just not really the Fox’s taste. But his eyes, she assured me, his eyes were just really brown and great. Plus he’s hilarious and has a great personality and they really bonded. It’s just that he’s sort of chubby and she really isn’t attracted to him, but she insists that he’s still sort of cute but not really. So now of course she feels shallow. I laugh and remind her how many men I have snubbed and/or ignored and/or to whom I have confirmed “friend-zone only zone” in the past (not to make it sound like I get hit on 24/7, but you know). We remind each other of the phrase, “life’s too short to date ugly men,” and immediately feel better about ourselves.

But then we continue down this vein and really start to dissect what it means to be shallow and what, if anything, this shallowness indicates about us and our character as nice young ladies. I insist that a physical attraction is 100% necessary in order to have a legit, deep, successful, long-term, whatever relationship. When have you ever heard a groom-to-be say something like, “well I love my fiance because she’s just a great cook and she can crack a joke like no other, but she really doesn’t do it for me physically.” Um. If you have heard something like this, then that marriage is obviously doomed. I have always said, since always, that the man I end up with should and will think that I am the hottest piece of tush (I promised Ma I wouldn’t curse as much) on the planet. And I would also like to have a man whom I think is just mondo attractive. I will see other attractive men and think, eh, mine is better. And it will be because I am attracted to his physical handsomeness as well as his personality and all of that. Everyone knows a person’s personality makes them more attractive so I won’t remind us of this. But seriously. Even my mother still remarks about what a great tush my father has. I cover my ears and sing really loudly to avoid hearing things like this, but is it NOT the cutest thing ever that after however many numerous years of marriage, she still thinks he’s the bees knees. Presh!

So what does it mean when we meet someone and they are just PERFECT aside from the fact that maybe you think that really they’re just not that good looking. It’s not an objective evaluation, it’s your subjective opinion and you just can’t get past it. “It comes with time,” is one theory I’ve heard. To me this is sort of BS. I don’t want to be with someone who is, like, “working on” thinking that I’m attractive. I either do it for you or I don’t. Perhaps I become more attractive to you once you learn all of my quirks and things. But the initial attraction must already be present. “They can lose weight – it’s so superficial.” Sure. If you meet someone and you don’t like the way their body is shaped – too short, too tall, too skinny, too fat – there are things that can be done to combat this. IE wearing heels, or eating more, eating less, working out, whatever. But as my mother always says you can’t meet someone and then immediately resolve to “fix” them.

Maybe it means that we’re just very immature little girls. “I don’t want to be seen with you because you’re ugly” sure wreaks of a Mean Girls-esque attitude, which as everyone knows is SO junior year. Can we help this? Not really. This is what Le Fox and I ended up deciding and then immediately felt like 12-year-olds. Or at least I did. It sort of makes sense that it’s a sign of immaturity that I / we / any lady would prefer to not be with someone because he’s just not attractive. Again, it’s all subjective, and I can’t help what I like. So I think that makes me shallow, but not necessarily immature. But regardless, this super awesome guy that El Foxo met last weekend probably will eventually find a girl who thinks he is the most adorable thing since baby chicks. But it won’t be Foxy. And I saw his picture and I’ll admit, it won’t be me either.

So for realz. Life is too short to date ugly men, but the reality is, life is too short to date or waste time with someone to whom you are not attracted. If you have some other kind of awesome connection, that means you could be fantastic friends. I have at least a few close friends who are dudes who are perfectly attractive, handsome, or otherwise cutie-patooties, and at least 50% of them have insanely awesome six packs (high on my list of must-haves).  Yet I have never dated any of them. There are obviously other factors at play here, but the point is we all are not to each others’ taste and that’s alright. If I am unmarried in 20 years, I already have a contract with one said friend to be married. What a deal. In the mean time, I will stick to what I like and continue searching for my Vin Diesel. Jesse Eisenbergs need not apply.

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