No Officer, I’ve Never Seen Those Shoes Before.

Remember last year when you got in that car accident and you swore it wasn’t your fault because that other car just came out of nowhere! Like there was no way it was your fault because it wasn’t there, you swear, and seriously it just appeared out of thin air. There was absolutely no warning.

Or remember when you were dating that guy and then out of nowhere he dumped you? For absolutely no reason, you didn’t even see it coming! It was out of thin air, seriously!

Or remember last week when I went to Macy’s just to look at boots and then out of nowhere I walked out with two pairs? And I get home and I’m all shocked like, how did these bags get in my hand?! Who charged my credit card without my knowledge!?! I must have blacked out!! This purchase CAME OUT OF NOWHERE!

Or remember when you started hanging out with that chick and it was super fun because you got to be friends really quick and then out of nowhere she hits on you! You were just friends and then next thing you know there’s drama because she’s crossing the line. OUT OF NOWHERE.

Are we catching the trend here people? It is my humble opinion that nothing really comes from “nowhere.” Also it’s physics. Everything that happens or is has some kind of cause or comes from some other thing. Let’s extrapolate on the above examples.

When that car hit you, it didn’t materialize out of nowhere. Only Harry Potter can make that happen, and that’s make believe, kids. That car was there and you know it. What was not in existence was your awareness of your surroundings. Thus, it is at least partially your fault that you got hit / you did the hitting, since if you had been paying attention, you’d have seen that car. It’s an excuse.

When he broke up with you, it didn’t come out of nowhere. Sure, I guess it’s possible he changed his mind overnight that he didn’t like you anymore and that it wasn’t something he’d been thinking about for at least a couple days, weeks, months. Sarcasm alert. Hindsight is 20/20 ya’ll. Examine your relationship in the days and weeks leading up to his “random” breakup. I will bet my shoe collection (not something I do lightly) there were signs and that you ignored or pretended not to see them. Excuses, once again, and denial.

When I went to Macy’s just to look, it was clearly my intention to not purchase anything (denial). However we know me. I know me. I should have seen it coming. If I really wanted to just look I would have a) gone online (still unsafe) or b) left my monies at home (prevention). So while I must say that sales man was pretty persuasive (excuses), in the end I am also to blame for not recognizing my own habits (acceptance). Hi my name is Miss Sassy Pants and I am addicted to shoes (saved). Next.

When you met Super Awesome Chick and became friends with her, something you should have known ahead of time is this: guys and girls cannot be just friends, unless one of these is true:  a) guy and girl experimented with something more and crossed it off mutually, b) one or both of them are not single, or c) one or both are gay. That’s pretty much it. So unless one of those things is true, you can tell yourself you’re “just friends” but the reality is, there’s always an undertow of electricity for one or both of you (which you can deny or excuse any way you want…doesn’t change a thing). When ya’ll started hanging out as friends, and then “out of the blue” she’s all on your jank and you’re all “holy crap you’re like my sister, where did this come from,” take 30 seconds and review your relationship and perhaps the shock will fade.

So next time you’re hit on by someone random, hit by a random car, dumped randomly, or find yourself suspiciously in possession of shoes, check yoself before you blame the universe. Everything has a cause and an effect, and it is up to you and us (I am guilty also – see extensive shoe collection and numerous trife situations with men) to stand up to the universe and pay attention to the signs. Also I am learning to say “no thanks, not today” and utilize the concept of returning merchandise. Life savers, all.

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One response to “No Officer, I’ve Never Seen Those Shoes Before.

  1. RETURNING MERCHANDISE, sticking to your budget (by the way, does that still exist????), making Poppa Pants Proud – all good things . . .

    Having said that, no one understands the allure of shoes like Yo Mama. Call it a genetic trait, nature, nurture, whatever – call it “The Apple Doesn’t Fall Far From the Tree” – look at GrandMom who, even at age 87 (while wearing her custom-made, ugly, orthotic shoes), still looks in her closet and says, “Who took all my pretty shoes????” It’s a gift . . . we don’t own it. Love you, Darlin’

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