Frightening, Hilarious, Sad, Free Panties!

One of the greatest things about WordPress (and pretty much any blogging site) is that it provides me, the blogger, with an abundance of information relating to this here jank. One of my favorite-est features is the Top Searches section. Top Searches, as the name suggests, keeps track of the top phrases used in a search which lead someone to my blog. One of my all-time favorites has been the phrase “Free Panty,” which shows up more than you might think. Hilarious since I rarely talk about free panties, or panties in general, but do recall mentioning something about Victoria’s Secret discount code for getting a free pair of undies. Also it has something to do with the tags I put on each post, which I sometimes over-do just for fun to see if I can get people to this blog who were originally looking for “jacket with large shoulder pads.” [I maintain that jackets with huge shoulder pads are not cute. I don’t care what NY Fashion Week or Elle Magazine say. It’s just silly looking.] ANYwhooooz, recently I have been seeing hilarious search phrases that I’d like to address.

The first gem is this: “do east coast guys like southern girls”.  I went out on a limb and actually Googled this exact phrase and the results are comical. People everywhere, apparently, embrace the stereotypes of “southern girls,” “east coast boys,” “California girls,” etc. Personally whoever is searching for that kind of answer has issues, because gurl you’ve got to love yaself. Who cares where you’re from? I’m a southern girl, but I’m currently a California girl, and also simultaneously and an east coast girl and a Virginia girl. Wam bam, wanna date me?

Then the other day I saw this one: “how to message a guy who hasn’t responded to text”. The really sad thing is that the first result, from Wiki Answers, tells little girls everywhere to just ask for less because maybe you’re moving too fast for him. Poor guy, he likes to move slow, you scare him when you want to hang out! Um, false. Sorry Wiki Answers, nice try. I am glad whoever searched for that found her some MSP, because she will get real answers and no BS. Because that’s what the other answer is: BS. Since when do guys like to move slow? Um, never. Thanks for playing. And really, always ask for more, not less!

This search is just awesome and scary at the same time, and I have no idea how it brought this person to this little collection of my thoughts: “black lip tattoo”. Firstly. I don’t know what to say, and I guess that’s a first. Secondly, who wants to have their lip(s) be black for the rest of their lives? Who? Thirdly, how…I don’t even know how to continue. Whoever you are: don’t do it. Get some black lip smooches on your tush or something. But goodness. You’ll have that black lip until you’re 90. Gross.

Live and learn: “professional dark and pink hair” does not exist. I tried it, it was terrible, it made me cry, and my momma got mad. Please see previous entries regarding poor hair choices. Stay natural, or leave the rainbow out of your coloring if you are trying to stay “professional.”

Poor guy needs a hug: “she’s not responding to some text messages”. Hilarious. Here’s your answer: I don’t even want to write it because it’s all over this blog. Move on.

Another awesome query: “super long text messages”. I think I have actually not addressed this. Here’s the answer to the implied question: don’t send them. I send long texts pretty frequently but only to my bffs who I know will love me regardless of text longevity. But in general it is good practice to keep things succinct, whether you’re texting a potential future date, a bff, a boss, or your mom. If I wanted to read a novel, I’d buy a book. And if it’s longer than 200 characters, send a freaking email.

And lastly, we have this quality inquiry: “when guy does reply to your text”. Well honey, if he is replying to you then you have no problem! High five. Unless you’d like him to not reply, in which case…why are you texting him. Simple.

Conclusions: people search for weird things on the internet, but I am here to learn all of you. Do not go to Wiki Answers for dating advice. Do not get your lip tattooed black. And keep swimming. Just keep swimming.

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One response to “Frightening, Hilarious, Sad, Free Panties!

  1. Pingback: Questions + Interwebs = Fun Times | Miss Sassy Pants

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