If there’s one thing I strongly dislike, it’s the red flag flying high at the beaches in beautiful Destin, Florida. I have been frequenting this place since my birth and if you haven’t been, you should vacation or move there before you die. It is great. EXCEPT when the stupid red flags are out! For this little girl who doesn’t really like strong waves or swimming in the surf or any of that rip tide nonsense, I really enjoy a calm green-flagged surf, and sometimes will tolerate the yellow flag. But red is trife and ruins my ability to take my little legs out to sea. But that’s life.
You know what else is life? Red flags in the dating world. Red flags wave everywhere, and sometimes it’s even the double red flag, and when it’s really bad the double red flags are accompanied by the proverbial lifeguard – whether that’s flashing red lights, barricades in the road, or a friend giving you the hell-to-the-no face. We’ve all experienced it. Today we are examining two red flags: the guy who solely communicates via mediums which do not require him to actually speak aloud to you in any form, and the guy who has excuse after excuse but seems to deliver consistently enough to keep you around and guessing.
Year’s ago (because I’m so old), there was Mr. Mute. Mr. Mute was incapable of making phone calls. This kind of man/boy makes me wonder how some dudes would have survived pre-technology time. When you had to see ladies face to face to even ask them out…when there weren’t even phones! Gasp! Anywhooz, Mr. Muteface was texting me all the time. All. Tha. Thyme. I was so flattered, googoo, whatever, I loved it. But something fishy always seemed to happen: we’d be texting about plans for the evening and I’d decide to just call, as everyone knows texting is not always the easiest way to organize a meet-up. Yet each time, he would not answer. “Hey you’ve reached Mr. Mute, I don’t speak on the phone ever, so leave me a message and I’ll text you back.” I endured this for a while though, curious and puzzled. Our next Mexpert slaps my wrists for this practice:
I think it’s always a bad sign when said guy you’re lushing over only communicates via text. Think about it for a hot minute… it’s easy and confidential for him. Not a big chance that his coworkers will pick up his phone and read his texts while he steps away to drain the lizard or drop the kids off at the pool. Also just as not likely is that his bros intercept his phone while he’s out throwing back jagerbombs and getting Iced during Happy Hour. Thus, it’s real easy for said guy to text back and forth with his multiple boo(s). Whereas, calling… whew… that will totally get you busted. A risk however that one is certainly willing to take if he really is that into his new boo.
Ouch. Trufe hurts, yo. But Mr. Smarty Pants knows tough love. Those of you who know him know that he is lucky to be with (for now) the totally awesomely awesome Miss Fancy Boots (she checks his tude), but let’s just say he’s gone through his share of trifeness to get to his happy place with her. He knows how the play the field. He knows what’s up with dudes not calling or answering actual calls because he’s been that guy.
So if you’re a dude, maybe you’re trying to excuse this behavior, insisting that you’re not all scum and playing the field with nine different ladies. You just don’t like talking on the phone! And you’re busy and are always in meetings or something crazy important! And texting is just so much easier! Which brings us to our second red flag:
Let’s clarify the difference between an explanation and an excuse. One is acceptable when courting a young lady, the other is never an option. You figure out which is which… if you need a hint I did them in order. The difference here is as follows: an explanation for being unable to meet up implies that there is a legitimate conflict on his end AND that he understands his commitment to your previously scheduled or suggested plans and thus will propose an alternative date/time. Think of it like an Outlook calendar invite… you can’t make the initial date/time so you “Accept”, “Decline”, or “Propose a New Time”… which do you choose? Option 3 is the correct answer and should be the one he chooses when giving you an explanation why he can’t stare longingly into your eyes over a fine meal and bottle of wine. The always unacceptable option is to give an excuse, which simply means he doesn’t care enough to really alter his probably changeable plans to accommodate you and/or find a new time to rectify his situation that prevents date night. His last ditch effort to guilt you into explaining away his wavering interest in you is his attempt at “keeping his options open” or holding onto a diversified portfolio if you will because despite your always classy, sometimes sassy, but never trashy hott self, he’s probably holding a few other cards in his left hand or at least holding something…
Baaaaah, Smarty made a funny joke! High five if you get it! And ladies, who doesn’t want to be dating this guy now that you read his idea of an awesome date! I would love a man to stare longingly into my eyes and blah blah blah. Vom. How romantic. Miss Fancy Boots is a lucky lady in addition to her awesomeness.
But back to the point. Dudes: stop making excuses and get with the program. Ladies: stop letting him make excuses and get with a new program. AKA new man. Trust.
Next week, we’ll swim a little further out into the red-flagged sea of the dating world. Bring your life vests. Or at least a noodle. And as always, feedback, stories, and new Mexpert opinions welcome: firstname.lastname@example.org.