Reporting from everywhere, people everywhere are reporting the lack of “football” that was played by the Virginia Tech Hokies in yesterday’s season opener for the Hokies and non-rival / totally random opponent Boise State. Within 4 minutes of kickoff, Hokies everywhere curiously wondered why there were no actual “football players” playing real “football” during this game. By the end of the first quarter with this formerly great football team giving up two touchdowns and a field goal, many wondered if “football” still existed and if the so-called “football players” had actually been training for months leading up to this game with famed and beloved coach, Frank Beamer.
Additionally, there were sitings on the field of “excess ego” and “foolishness.” And while Boise State players seemed to actually be ready to play a game of football, Virginia Tech’s team seemed to be distracted by their own badass uniforms and supposed knowledge that they were already great and didn’t need to prove it by gaining yardage on the field in what is known as “first downs,” and eventually scoring points by achieving “touchdowns.”
Luckily, coaching greats Frank Beamer, Billy Hite, and Bud Foster whupped the boys into shape by deflating said “egos” and reminding them that to be great, a team must actually play real football. The Hokies, who have an extremely impressive and loyal fan-base even in the face of turrible football playing again and again, managed to find themselves remembering how to “play football” and came back for an impressive gain of score-age in the second quarter and second half of the game.
This abrupt turn-around in performance, which some fans called “showing up” and “not being little girls on the field,” was promising and warmed the hearts of Hokies across the globe, whether watching in the stadium, in bars, or on espn.com from their mom’s basement. “This is the Hokie football I remember from past great seasons,” one fan remarked. While another insisted still that despite the improvement in play, “[Offensive Coordinator Bryan] Stinespring still needs to go!”
Still, as fate would have it, the Hokies failed to keep the Broncos from scoring one last “touchdown” in the last 1.5 minutes of the game, proving two to three things yet again: 1) that the little mistakes [like missing a ridiculously short field goal of 34 yards for crying out loud] are the ones that catch up to you in the end and lose the game, 2) that 1 minute on the clock is enough time for anyone to score something but us, and 3) that Hokies everywhere still love watching our team “play football” no matter how turribly or heroically they play. “We love you Tyrod!” shouted one enthusiastic graduate to the TV as the clock wound down the final seconds of despair. Other fans proclaimed love to Ryan Williams and many other players, proving that each fan has his or her own favorite no matter that player’s performance. One fan, speaking on the condition of anonymity, informed that “we’ll always love them, no matter how [expletive] they play. Even if we lose every [expletive] game for the rest of this [expletive] season, we’ll love them and will keep coming back for more.” Other nearby fans cheered in agreement, raising their cans of $1 PBR (a phenomenon found across North America) in a toast to fantastically heartbreaking Hokie football.
For next week, fans everywhere are hopeful that our players will leave their egos and self-impressiveness in their lockers during the game, especially since the Hokies will be battling non-famous James Madison University, a team which they should be able to squash with minimal effort.