Monthly Archives: September 2010

(S)He Doesn’t Like You Part III: Red Flags Everywhere but the Beach

If there’s one thing I strongly dislike, it’s the red flag flying high at the beaches in beautiful Destin, Florida. I have been frequenting this place since my birth and if you haven’t been, you should vacation or move there before you die. It is great. EXCEPT when the stupid red flags are out! For this little girl who doesn’t really like strong waves or swimming in the surf or any of that rip tide nonsense, I really enjoy a calm green-flagged surf, and sometimes will tolerate the yellow flag. But red is trife and ruins my ability to take my little legs out to sea. But that’s life.

You know what else is life? Red flags in the dating world. Red flags wave everywhere, and sometimes it’s even the double red flag, and when it’s really bad the double red flags are accompanied by the proverbial lifeguard – whether that’s flashing red lights, barricades in the road, or a friend giving you the hell-to-the-no face. We’ve all experienced it. Today we are examining two red flags: the guy who solely communicates via mediums which do not require him to actually speak aloud to you in any form, and the guy who has excuse after excuse but seems to deliver consistently enough to keep you around and guessing.

Year’s ago (because I’m so old), there was Mr. Mute. Mr. Mute was incapable of making phone calls. This kind of man/boy makes me wonder how some dudes would have survived pre-technology time. When you had to see ladies face to face to even ask them out…when there weren’t even phones! Gasp! Anywhooz, Mr. Muteface was texting me all the time. All. Tha. Thyme. I was so flattered, googoo, whatever, I loved it. But something fishy always seemed to happen: we’d be texting about plans for the evening and I’d decide to just call, as everyone knows texting is not always the easiest way to organize a meet-up. Yet each time, he would not answer. “Hey you’ve reached Mr. Mute, I don’t speak on the phone ever, so leave me a message and I’ll text you back.” I endured this for a while though, curious and puzzled. Our next Mexpert slaps my wrists for this practice:

I think it’s always a bad sign when said guy you’re lushing over only communicates via text.  Think about it for a hot minute… it’s easy and confidential for him.  Not a big chance that his coworkers will pick up his phone and read his texts while he steps away to drain the lizard or drop the kids off at the pool.  Also just as not likely is that his bros intercept his phone while he’s out throwing back jagerbombs and getting Iced during Happy Hour.  Thus, it’s real easy for said guy to text back and forth with his multiple boo(s).  Whereas, calling… whew… that will totally get you busted.  A risk however that one is certainly willing to take if he really is that into his new boo.

Ouch. Trufe hurts, yo. But Mr. Smarty Pants knows tough love. Those of you who know him know that he is lucky to be with (for now) the totally awesomely awesome Miss Fancy Boots (she checks his tude), but let’s just say he’s gone through his share of trifeness to get to his happy place with her. He knows how the play the field. He knows what’s up with dudes not calling or answering actual calls because he’s been that guy.

So if you’re a dude, maybe you’re trying to excuse this behavior, insisting that you’re not all scum and playing the field with nine different ladies. You just don’t like talking on the phone! And you’re busy and are always in meetings or something crazy important! And texting is just so much easier! Which brings us to our second red flag:

Let’s clarify the difference between an explanation and an excuse.  One is acceptable when courting a young lady, the other is never an option.  You figure out which is which… if you need a hint I did them in order.  The difference here is as follows: an explanation for being unable to meet up implies that there is a legitimate conflict on his end AND that he understands his commitment to your previously scheduled or suggested plans and thus will propose an alternative date/time.  Think of it like an Outlook calendar invite… you can’t make the initial date/time so you “Accept”, “Decline”, or “Propose a New Time”… which do you choose?  Option 3 is the correct answer and should be the one he chooses when giving you an explanation why he can’t stare longingly into your eyes over a fine meal and bottle of wine.  The always unacceptable option is to give an excuse, which simply means he doesn’t care enough to really alter his probably changeable plans to accommodate you and/or find a new time to rectify his situation that prevents date night.  His last ditch effort to guilt you into explaining away his wavering interest in you is his attempt at “keeping his options open” or holding onto a diversified portfolio if you will because despite your always classy, sometimes sassy, but never trashy hott self, he’s probably holding a few other cards in his left hand or at least holding something…

Baaaaah, Smarty made a funny joke! High five if you get it! And ladies, who doesn’t want to be dating this guy now that you read his idea of an awesome date! I would love a man to stare longingly into my eyes and blah blah blah. Vom. How romantic. Miss Fancy Boots is a lucky lady in addition to her awesomeness.

But back to the point. Dudes: stop making excuses and get with the program. Ladies: stop letting him make excuses and get with a new program. AKA new man. Trust.

Next week, we’ll swim a little further out into the red-flagged sea of the dating world. Bring your life vests. Or at least a noodle. And as always, feedback, stories, and new Mexpert opinions welcome: vtsassypants@gmail.com.

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We’d love your opinion, if you even have one…about anything.

I think I may have made some kind of promise either to myself or to you people in general that I would refrain from spouting off about political things. While I am still sort of sticking to this, I must venture into this shady area for just today. And really this topic isn’t political, it’s just that basically that I don’t particularly like our current president. That’s not political, since I don’t particularly like Justin Bieber, or this lady I used to work with, or peas. It’s not a political argument, it’s just personal preference. Plus it’s my stupid blog so whatevs.

The following is a quote from a recent speech given by our current president: “Al Qaeda operatives still cite Guantanamo as a justification for attacks against the United States. Still to this day. And there’s no reason for us to give them that kind of talking point when, in fact, we can use the various mechanisms of our justice system to prosecute these folks and to make sure that they never attack us again.” Please take a moment to digest this quote in its entirety. The context is not particularly important since I can pretty much share my opinion and prove my point with this tiny little excerpt from this one speech.

My first point is around the concept of Al Qaeda “talking points.” When I first read this I really had to take a moment. Talking points?? What idiot speech writer decided it was a fair assessment to qualify Al Qaeda’s announcements, videos, etc. citing the things they hold against America as “talking points”?! Seriously. A talking point is “an idea which may or may not be factual, usually compiled in a short list with summaries of a speaker’s agenda for public or private engagements,” or more simply, “an especially persuasive point helping to support an argument or discussion.” Even this second definition cannot really be attributed to the crap the group outputs. They are not our debate partners. We are not discussing the fact that America is good, bad, elitist, whatever with them. They accuse us of evils, attack and kill our citizens, and we fight them with our badass military because we are at war. At war. Nazis are evil, they killed lots of people for bad reasons. Terrorists, i.e. Al Qaeda (since some people seem to forget) are evil, they killed and continue to kill lots of people for bad reasons. They don’t have stupid freaking talking points!

Second. The quoted statement also reveals (like many other quotes, speeches, and talking points even) that he does not have an opinion about anything. As we all know, his policies and actions against terrorists / Al Qaeda have been consistent and seem to say that he is against terrorism and wants to defend America against this evil (mostly). However, statements like this make him seem like he doesn’t support America. He is trying to straddle a line which does not exist. Mr. President: You’re either against terrorism, or you’re not. Stop trying to placate freaking enemies who hate America and stand up to them like you have some balls. Just because you close or try to close a stupid military prison is not going to change their minds about killing us. They will still hate you and all of us simply because we are American. Guantanamo is not going to make a difference. Also to me, this statement sounds like a negotiating tactic. We’ll close the prison because they say they don’t like it. Then what? They’ll stop killing? They’ll stop terror? Cool, let’s shake on it and achieve world peace! False. Get a clue, dude. And stand for something for once.

Third. I will not even really venture into my opinion about the “various mechanisms of our justice system to prosecute these folks” which I have discussed before are NOT appropriate to prosecute enemies of the state or those individuals who commit crimes against America and are NOT American citizens. Longest run-on sentence ever. Already got fired up and wrote a bunch of words about it, so I think to maintain my blood pressure I’ll skip this part and simply say: it’s still a bunch of CRAP.

One last thing: I think it’s funny he calls them “folks.” Makes me chuckle. I’m sure it’s unintentional and it’s not a big deal, but it’s kind of funny you have to admit. That’s all folks!

So in closing, while I in general disagree with most everything that comes out of our president’s mouth and most every policy that comes out of his White House, I want to be fair. No I didn’t vote for him, but yes I try to respect him as the most powerful man in our country and probably in the world. But he needs to command that respect and really earn it by standing up for things, whether I agree, whether mainstream media agrees, whether our enemies agree, or not.

(S)He Doesn’t Like You, Part II: Tell Me Whyee, Ain’t Nothing But A Heartache

Tell me whyee, ain’t nothing but a missssstake, tell me whyee I never wanna heeear you sayyyy, IIIIII want it thaaaaat way! Flashback to 1999 when famed Backstreet Boys released this song and went on to be nominated for 3 Grammys (!!) and a won bunch of other ridiculous awards and nonsense for this crazy catchy but annoying song. Totally not related to this post but holy crap what a flashback. I remember feuding with my bff Talulah over which was better, NSync* or Backstreet Boys. To this day I maintain that NSync was better, but now in hindsight I know that Boyz II Men were better than both. Obvs. And I still listen to them and my boyz Jagged Edge on the reg. L. O. V. E.

MOVING ON to the point of this stupid post. It’s the second addition of (S)He Doesn’t Like You! Last week, we heard a story about how MSP got dumped over a period of a couple weeks because she/I refused to see the signs. But seriously, I thought he was busy. Not my fault that I believe a man when he says he’s busy. But it is my fault for believing a man who says he’s busy 24/7 and has no time for this here total package (you’re all the total package, girls, never forget!).

Our first Mexpert (remember, Men + Expert = Mexpert, and not related to Mexican anything), who will remain nameless and anonymous so much that I am not even giving him a nickname (crazy talk!), weighs in on how guys can be SO busy ALL the time:

It is absolutely true that some guys will give excuses to “excuse” themselves from the relationship because they’re not that interested.  It happens all the time.  Guys will use the “too much work” excuse on girls, not because it’s necessarily true, but because it’s such an easy excuse.

But what if he really is busy…how do we know the difference??

Sure sometimes work is going to get in the way, or something truly came up that is a legit excuse. But get the point where he does it all the time, then he’s not that interested in you.  You want to know a secret?

YES! We LOVE secrets!

If a guy truly had something come up, and he cannot make it out with you that night, if he’s interested, he will always say “…but let’s figure out another time to meet up”.  If he just gives you the, “sorry, I’m busy,” then he’s not interested in you because he’s not making plans to see you again.  Simple as that.

You’re so right, nameless Mexpert! It’s so simple! I feel like I have stated this before in previous posts, HOWEVER isn’t it so much more credible coming from an actual man, who goes on actual dates with actual girls, and actually rejects girls on the reg. One thing I can share about this nameless Mexpert is that he has a way with the ladies. Seriously.

I believe Mr. Nameless has indeed answered our question, why men cannot just come out and say it. It still doesn’t explain why dude from my previous post and past dating life needed to shell out extra cash to feed me when he really didn’t want to see me anymore. I don’t want to share a burrito with you that badly. But it totally explains why he was so busy and unwilling to make plans too far in the future with my little planning extraordinaire self. Perhaps, and I’m just supposing here, he wanted closure as much as I did, and that last luncheon was his way of saying goodbye, albeit in a way that didn’t sound or look or act remotely like goodbye. Any Mexpert want to weigh in?

So hopefully we are on our way to proving to all you haters out there that, seriously, it’s not that he’s too busy! He really doesn’t like you! Next week we will examine additional red flags of the early dating stages, and remind everyone of the difference between and explanation and an excuse. Head’s up: One is preferred and one makes MSP say, “BRNT, try again.” Extra love points to those of you smart enough to know the difference!

(S)He Doesn’t Like You Part I: OMG he’s just SO busy!

Greetings my little monsters! We’re back with the first official installment of this series which I have so un-creatively dubbed (S)He Doesn’t Like You! Such an uplifting and confidence boosting title, no? But fitting, since we all go through so many duds (not a typo) before we find Mister or Miss Perfect-for-me. I tell you, he’s out there. You will find her.

So in what real world people call a good-faith act, I will be contributing a real-life story of my own to get this jank kicked off. It may be hard for you all to believe (jokes), but Miss Sassy herself has been shut down many-a-time (no jokes). Many. A. Time. And I am a better person for it. See previous entries about trifeness in my life, character building, blah blah blah. So here we go.

A long unspecified time ago, I was hanging out with this dude. He was pretty cool, good looking, employed, not living with his parents, nice to me, etc. So we’re hanging out a little, texting during the day (a lot), calling me at night, meeting up after work, taking me on cute little dates, paying me cute little ego boosting compliments. The following occurrences are the first red flags that this guy is not totally into me, but into me enough to make a half-effort: 1) I never met any of his friends. 2) He always told me “don’t be a stranger.” We all know how I feel about that. 3) After a while, I found myself the initiator of our outings more often than him. This troubled me, but because I am female I let it continue, thinking of any and all excuses possible.

Then something happened which gave me the little slap in the face I needed. Twice, I suggested some evening activity for us to do (you know, coloring and lanyard making at my house, or maybe a game of knock-out followed by capture the flag at his), and twice I was brushed off in a very casual way. He’s real sorry, but he’s got this event for work that night and it’ll probably go late, and then he’s got to finish this proposal. And again, he’s super sorry but his dad’s coming into town so he has to host and blah blah. I logically suggest we make plans more in advance, so as to work around his busy schedule. But really work is crazy for him because of just tons of craziness. It’s so crazy, he tells me, he just doesn’t know when it will cease to be crazy. Red lights are flashing, sirens are blaring, and there is practically a jumbo-tron on his forehead with the announcement, “It’s not my work, I just don’t like you!” But I am blinded by the biceps. From here, I embark on a little experiment to see if I can get him to passively tell me exactly how he feels. So after this second/third/whatever rejection, I cease communication.

On the fifth day of zero communication to or from him, I received a message that was something along these lines: “Yo girl where you been”…Well thanks for your concern, I have been right where I have always been, duh. It is you who has apparently gone missing from my incoming calls. So we schedule lunch because he “misses me.” Somehow my heart is not a-fluttering. Lunch goes well, we have normal conversation about nothing important, until finally at the very end of lunch he decides he wants to broach the topic of our 5 day communication hiatus. He asks me what happened to me. I politely inform him that I was where I always am and was perfectly reachable the same as always. He says I shouldn’t be such a stranger. I remind him that I do not do the pursuing in situations such as these and if he would like to hang out with me, he knows perfectly well how to contact me and make plans. He chuckles and thinks that’s awfully sassy of me to say out loud (it is, I am) but agrees that the ball is now in his court and we will hang out in some non-specified time period called “soon.” I smile and agree, suspecting knowing already that I probably won’t see him again. But hey, thanks for the free lunch.

Can anyone guess what happened? I didn’t see him again, shock of shocks. He may have texted me a couple weeks later, but he had been crossed off the list by then. There’s nothing like clarity, and there’s nothing like spotting trifeness before you get in too deep. So why couldn’t he have just told me outright that he was over it? Why did we have to go to lunch one last time? If we both secretly knew it was a waste of his money…what’s the point? Why was he so trife that he couldn’t just come right out and say, “yo girl, I just ain’t feelin it, you know.”  Instead of me answering these questions as usual, next week we’ll hear exactly why from our real live Mexperts.

Report: Hokies Still Learning How to Play So-Called Game of “Football”

Reporting from everywhere, people everywhere are reporting the lack of “football” that was played by the Virginia Tech Hokies in yesterday’s season opener for the Hokies and non-rival / totally random opponent Boise State. Within 4 minutes of kickoff, Hokies everywhere curiously wondered why there were no actual “football players” playing real “football” during this game. By the end of the first quarter with this formerly great football team giving up two touchdowns and a field goal, many wondered if “football” still existed and if the so-called “football players” had actually been training for months leading up to this game with famed and beloved coach, Frank Beamer.

Additionally, there were sitings on the field of “excess ego” and “foolishness.” And while Boise State players seemed to actually be ready to play a game of football, Virginia Tech’s team seemed to be distracted by their own badass uniforms and supposed knowledge that they were already great and didn’t need to prove it by gaining yardage on the field in what is known as “first downs,” and eventually scoring points by achieving “touchdowns.”

Luckily, coaching greats Frank Beamer, Billy Hite, and Bud Foster whupped the boys into shape by deflating said “egos” and reminding them that to be great, a team must actually play real football. The Hokies, who have an extremely impressive and loyal fan-base even in the face of turrible football playing again and again, managed to find themselves remembering how to “play football” and came back for an impressive gain of score-age in the second quarter and second half of the game.

This abrupt turn-around in performance, which some fans called “showing up” and “not being little girls on the field,” was promising and warmed the hearts of Hokies across the globe, whether watching in the stadium, in bars, or on espn.com from their mom’s basement. “This is the Hokie football I remember from past great seasons,” one fan remarked. While another insisted still that despite the improvement in play, “[Offensive Coordinator Bryan] Stinespring still needs to go!”

Still, as fate would have it, the Hokies failed to keep the Broncos from scoring one last “touchdown” in the last 1.5 minutes of the game, proving two to three things yet again: 1) that the little mistakes [like missing a ridiculously short field goal of 34 yards for crying out loud] are the ones that catch up to you in the end and lose the game, 2) that 1 minute on the clock is enough time for anyone to score something but us, and 3) that Hokies everywhere still love watching our team “play football” no matter how turribly or heroically they play.  “We love you Tyrod!” shouted one enthusiastic graduate to the TV as the clock wound down the final seconds of despair. Other fans proclaimed love to Ryan Williams and many other players, proving that each fan has his or her own favorite no matter that player’s performance.  One fan, speaking on the condition of anonymity, informed that “we’ll always love them, no matter how [expletive] they play. Even if we lose every [expletive] game for the rest of this [expletive] season, we’ll love them and will keep coming back for more.” Other nearby fans  cheered in agreement, raising their cans of $1 PBR (a phenomenon found across North America)  in a toast to fantastically heartbreaking Hokie football.

For next week, fans everywhere are hopeful that our players will leave their egos and self-impressiveness in their lockers during the game, especially since the Hokies will be battling non-famous James Madison University, a team which they should be able to squash with minimal effort.

MSP Presents: Seriously, (S)He Doesn’t Like You.

On September 7th, 2004, Simon Spotlight Entertainment published a book called “He’s Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys,” authored by two former story line editors of the favored HBO show Sex and the City, Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo. The unique thing about this book is that it is mainly authored by a man. A man who used to be a single guy, out on the prowl for his perfect woman, and who eventually found, pursued, wooed, and married her. This wonderful book came into my life about 6 months later and changed my perspective forever. Never had I read something straight from the horses mouth, if you will, that cut out all the bull and gave the most blatant truth about guys. Not just real men, but all males in general, including high school boys, college dudes, and the real man’s man. It applied to me then, it applies to me now, and it will continue to apply to my life basically until I die.

And so to this day, nearly 6 years later, I am still slightly irritated and bewildered when I hear things like this: “It’s not that he’s not into me, he’s just SO busy with his job right now, so we really don’t have a lot of time for each other. But it’ll calm down once this project is over and we’ll be able to see each other more.” Or this: “Well, his last relationship was pretty terrible and I think scarred him pretty badly. He’s slowly working through it all, it’s just so hard for him. It might seem like he’s not that into me but he totally says he is.” Or, for another age group: “His major is really hard so he studies so much! That’s why we don’t really talk that much during the week. But I see him on weekends and we…you know. So I know he totally likes me.” I think we get the picture. All of these are excuses. He’s busy, he’s got to study (but he’s got time for…you know), he’s got commitment issues, he’s got trust issues, she broke him and now I have to fix him but he’ll come around…all of this = blah blah blah, he’s not that into you. That is basically a summary of the book. Seriously, go buy it, rent it, borrow it from your girlfriend who probably already has a copy and is enlightened.

So in the past when I have written about this particular topic, it has always been to prove that in fact, good ol’ Greg knew what he was talking about! I fully support his theory, but also frequently feel like Miranda in episode 78 (season 6, episode 4) when she realizes the truth and tries to spread it to other women. She is freed by this new knowledge and when trying to spread the revelation, the reaction from other women is not as positive and she ends up offending a woman on the street.

As part of an effort to prove that Greg is right, that I am right, and that everyone who denies the validity of this theory is wrong, we are going to have our first MSP multi-part series. Get excited. I have commissioned real men from the field (field = real life) to give feedback on a number of issues surrounding the ocean of issues that is dating. First we will start out with my own anecdotal evidence that the theory is correct, examine what steps I took to ensure that this man was or was not into me, and hear from our mexperts (men+experts?) their side of the story. We will also examine the reasons that we are all basically cowards when it comes to admitting the truth about our feelings, and perhaps how we can better deal with rejecting or rejection. So tune in every Thursday for the next part of the series. And if anyone else is interested in contributing, do give me a holler at vtsassypants@gmail.com. The more viewpoints, the better to stick it to all the fools in love.