The Adult Woman’s Guide to Making Decisions You Will Laugh at Forever

Ah, Mondays. Who doesn’t love a good productive Monday?! Today has been a great productive Monday for me, despite the fact that I barely made it to work on time for a 9am meeting. Nothing like starting the week off in a hectic, crazed, rushed frenzy. Hair looks halfway decent for once though, and I am surprisingly adept at choosing at outfit in 4 seconds and not looking too ridiculously trife. Anywho.

Today my thoughts linger on Saturday’s fun little chat with my bff Miss Foxy. You know those cute girly greeting cards with the picture of a) old ladies sitting in rocking chairs, b) old ladies in old school swim suits on the beach, or c) old ladies doing something else funny/random, with the speech bubbles that say, “We’ll always be the best and closest of friends…” and on the inside it says,”because you know too much.”  Well these cards always make me think of Miss Foxy because indeed she knows everything about everything I do.  This phrase applies to a couple of my girly pals but since I had a little phone chat with Miss Foxy yesterday, it is at the forefront of my brain.

So major digression aside about how much I love Ms. F, it is seriously hilarious to look back on love lives slash terrible choices we have all made. I ended up sharing an anecdote about my life that I had not previously shared with anyone for fear of judgment (which I will not be sharing with you people, natch). I said something along the lines of, I hate myself for doing this and if I were someone else, would totally be full of judgment for me, despite having no regrets for anything it was still SUPER trife. Foxy reminded me that she has never once judged me and indeed I then recalled how many trife stories I have shared with her and how we end up laughing at all the trifeness and I feel so much better for sharing the burden of my trifeness with someone else. And vice versa of course, since immediately following my share session, she shared an equally hilarious / trife story for which I did not pass judgment whatsoever. I’d say that if she and I put together all our trife decisions and got paid maybe $1 per each occurance / situation we put ourselves in, we could easily afford our dream trip to Italy. And honestly, if I didn’t have at least one person to share all the trifeness with and unburden myself from all of my self-judgment, I think I’d shrivel up and just be an ugly prune-y raisin of yucky self-loathing trifeness! I am fairly certain that the above principle, The $1 per Trife Occasion Shared with Girlfriends Principle, would afford any pair of BFFs their dream trip to Fiji. Or where ever your girlie little heart desires. Seriously. And when we (girlfriends) can’t be physically together (no homo), the phone convos consist of at least one of the following per month:

Me: I did the most trife thing ever, you will SO judge me.
Her: I SO will not. Tell me.
Me: No seriously, I’m the biggest pyro klepto lying prude whore in the world. And I’m getting fat.
Her: Shut up and spill the deets whore. And you’re not getting fat, I just checked your new pics on FB.
Me: Fine.

Or, alternatively:
Her: OMG YOU WILL NEVER GUESS WHAT I DID
Me: [Successfully guesses what happens]
Her: OMG YES. It was so trife, I am such a [insert self-loathing adjective here, ranging from fatty, whore, bitch, prude, etc.]
Me: No you are not, because I did that last week. So if you are, then that means I am, which is so not true because we are both fabulous.
Her. Right. Thank God.
Us: Smooches via telephone.

So you see, girlfriends really are elemental to my self-esteem and sanity on a daily basis. Almost every situation I find myself in has the following options:  a) Mommy, Daddy, and Grandparent approved, b) Mommy only approved since you’d never mention this to your father, c) BFF tested and approved, d) BFF approved though she might laugh at you a little bit, or e) NO ONE WOULD APPROVE OF THIS – DO NOT DO IT.  Catch that scale there – ranging from most acceptable to least acceptable. All I’m saying folks is that I love my GFs. They are awesome. And most of them have done things way more trife than I have, so honestly I take comfort in that. Thanks ya’ll. To all of you who have endured my trife stories and reassured me that I am not a fatty triflin ho, I hope we will be friends until we are this many years old! Miss Sassy loves you. And to all of you upon whom I have bestowed wisdom beyond my years and/or listening ear, you’re welcome. I am nothing without you.

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One response to “The Adult Woman’s Guide to Making Decisions You Will Laugh at Forever

  1. This is quite possibly my FAVORITE Miss Sassy Pants post ever!!! (which is a pretty hard feat)
    I will love you no matter the trife story

    Can’t wait to see you in December!!!!!

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