Monthly Archives: August 2010

Stoked for your frat’s rush party next week. Thanks for the 500 invites.

End of August / beginning of September brings a number of wonderful things: college football (OMG 7 days until HOKIE FOOTBALL!!!!!!!), some respite from the gawd-awful heat of summer, Autumn and leaves changing,  and for some it means heading back to college. For Miss Sassy Pants, the only perks are the college football, and this season will even be a minimal perk since I will pretty much be going to zero games. Could not be more depressed about this, but I am wearing big girl panties and dealing with it. 9am kickoff can be awesome I am sure, and there are over 2,000 alumni in the SF area. Hokies Holler! ANYWHO.

Back to the point. College. College is so fun, and I totally miss it, possibly more than I did at this time last year since I was newly appreciating my paycheck from my gainful employer. This year however, the paycheck (while still nice) is less of a new commodity and does not combat my yearning to be back at Virginia Tech as much as it did previously. Blacksburg is probably the greatest place in the entire universe, and I do miss it dearly. Classes not so much, as we all know I was a less-than-stellar student (got me a job anywayz though obvs). My yearning and sadness to be back in this wonderful place is made worse by everyone constantly publishing statuses on numerous social networking sites with things such as “OMG SO EXCITED TO BE IN BLACKSBURG!!!!” and “Headed to TOTS, gosh I’ve missed this place!!!” and even “Already had my first quiz…first week of classes UGH!” These status updates make me want to do the following, respectively: cry, cry harder / drink a blue motorcycle, and slap that person in the face. Of course you will have quizzes dumbo, it’s college. I kind of miss quizzes when I am feeling nostalgic for those times of yore when I would go to class all unprepared-like, and still get A’s (LOL/JK).

The other thing that is so awesome about people going back to college are all the stinking invites! College is full of so much more than academics and going to class. Probably more so than any other place or time in life, college is filled with organized events. Someone’s having a birthday party, or a welcome-back-to-campus party, or a holy-crap-we’re-seniors party, or a I-lost-my-cellphone-last-night-in-TOTS-bathroom-so-I-need-your-number party. And of course every single organization ever created needs money and wants you to buy their cookies, t-shirts, topless carwash, or do a dance-a-thon or some such nonsense. Seriously, lets party for any reason (awesome), raise money for something random (we’re all broke), make it a FB event (obvs), and invite every person we’re friends with. Yes all 1,000 people. I am so over this for the following reasons:

  1. I have graduated. Therefore I am not able to attend your awesome so-excited-to-be-a-Hokie party.
  2. I have graduated and moved away from Blacksburg. Far away. Therefore I am unable to attend your fraternity’s rush party, though it sounds super cool and fun. BYOB ya’ll. Maybe you could bring the party to me out west next time? Might need to check that keg though, not sure they allow that as a carry-on item.
  3. I didn’t even go to your school. Therefore I do not want to attend a fundraiser pancake breakfast at JMU. Or go to your grad-school get-to-know-you picnic at the University of Never Heard of It. Super fun. Stop inviting every single person you’ve ever met. SO not necessary. It takes an extra 60 to 120 seconds (that’s 1 to 2 minutes for you business majors) to uncheck certain names from the invite list. Not a lot of wasted time for a whole bunch of people you won’t be bothering. Win-win.

I am sure I could go on, so instead I will stop and put out this general call to every single person who has ever used FB for event planning: PLEASE be a little more particular when inviting people to your events. Because even if I RSVP no-effing-way will I attend your event, I still get the 900 messages you send to all invitees after the fact. My phone chimes with the special little FB noise, I get all excited thinking someone sent something special to me only to realize I got yet another message from you and your stupid “VIP” party.  Who decided you were VIP anyway…that’s not the kind of thing that should be self-appointed. And speaking of 900 messages, it is definitely not necessary for you to send an event reminder daily for 3 weeks prior to your event. I got the invite. I remember. Maybe send one or two a couple days before. GEEZ. US. Can I get a virtual hallelujah.

That’s my soap box. Having said all of this, I will probably un-friend a record number of people this year JUST because you send too many messages to invitees. Even my best friends. Trust. Also trust that MSP loves being invited to stuff! There’s a huge difference though. Invite me specifically. It’s like that friend that always group texts and tries to make it feel personal. No one likes those texts because everyone knows it wasn’t special for them. And basically everyone just wants to feel special. So make me feel special by excluding me from your next fraternity party or band car wash. My lower annoyance level thanks you.

Land of fruit and nuts, but also hiking, cannabis, parking garages, and nice weather

America is a great country for many reasons, one being that it can contain states like Virginia (which is actually a commonwealth, to be perfectly correct) and California all on one continent. I have to say that Cali is not so vastly different and shocking to this little east coast girl as I thought it would be, or as much as I was warned it would be. I even had some people laugh at me when I told them I was moving here. Seriously, like I couldn’t handle it because of where I was raised. Whatevs. So as much as they are not so very different from each other, there are some things about this state that are extremely different from Ye Olde Commonwealth.  Like how earlier this week it was 58 degrees when I woke up but 107 by mid-afternoon. That is nuts and I’m pretty sure has never happened in VA. Also there is NO humidity here. Obviously in true San Fran it is a little humid since it’s surrounded by large bodies of water, but here not so much. Anywho, this is obviously a boring answer. Who gives two pennies about the weather other than old people. No one. Except it is super nice and I super love it. Moving on.

One of the managers at my new office is a philosophy teacher on the side at a nearby community college. He’s super cool, wise, hip, and graduated from UC Berkeley with a degree in philosophy, thus his passion for teaching this subject. How he ended up as a manager in IT I’m not quite sure. Anywayz. He received an email today from one of his students that read something like this: “Hey Prof, Not sure what your stance on the topic is, but I was curious if you’d be interested in getting together to smoke a blunt and talk philosophy with me sometime. Thanks, Student.” Manager informed me he was thinking of suggesting pizza and beer instead, since he’s pretty sure the university would frown on illegal activities with students, regardless of how down everybody is with cannabis here.

There are parking garages everywhere. With gates. I have never seen so many parking garages with gates in every structure everywhere in my life anywhere else. My apartment building has a parking garage with a gate (awesome). The office buildings on the street each have their own parking garage, with a gate. Walnut Creek city hall has a parking garage with a gate. Gate <> booth with little arm-raisey thingy. Like a formidable gate. And in general, there are an over-abundance of parking garages everywhere in every little town, city, establishment in the general east bay area, sans Berkeley which might as well be its own little country of non-car-driving people.

Everyone hikes and bikes. Everywhere. All the time. After work, before work, during lunch, “real quick” on the weekends. There are so many hiking and biking trails everywhere, and in my view this gives everyone limited excuses to be not in shape in some fashion. Even I, with my diet of cheese fries and cereal, will pretty much have no reason to gain weight here because it is a mandatory hobby that everyone take up upon moving to this region. I will be in shape and love hiking or I will be shunned by the natives. One manager here even said she’d give me a bad review if I didn’t go on at least one hike while I was here. That’s totally not true and she was totally nice about it, but regardless I felt pressured and ergo went on my very first hike after work yesterday! I’m such a joiner. And today I am limping a bit, but it’s all good.

I feel turrible, just turrible, about missing my Thursday posting, but you all lived through the day without me, obvs. Happy Friday!

The Adult Woman’s Guide to Making Decisions You Will Laugh at Forever

Ah, Mondays. Who doesn’t love a good productive Monday?! Today has been a great productive Monday for me, despite the fact that I barely made it to work on time for a 9am meeting. Nothing like starting the week off in a hectic, crazed, rushed frenzy. Hair looks halfway decent for once though, and I am surprisingly adept at choosing at outfit in 4 seconds and not looking too ridiculously trife. Anywho.

Today my thoughts linger on Saturday’s fun little chat with my bff Miss Foxy. You know those cute girly greeting cards with the picture of a) old ladies sitting in rocking chairs, b) old ladies in old school swim suits on the beach, or c) old ladies doing something else funny/random, with the speech bubbles that say, “We’ll always be the best and closest of friends…” and on the inside it says,”because you know too much.”  Well these cards always make me think of Miss Foxy because indeed she knows everything about everything I do.  This phrase applies to a couple of my girly pals but since I had a little phone chat with Miss Foxy yesterday, it is at the forefront of my brain.

So major digression aside about how much I love Ms. F, it is seriously hilarious to look back on love lives slash terrible choices we have all made. I ended up sharing an anecdote about my life that I had not previously shared with anyone for fear of judgment (which I will not be sharing with you people, natch). I said something along the lines of, I hate myself for doing this and if I were someone else, would totally be full of judgment for me, despite having no regrets for anything it was still SUPER trife. Foxy reminded me that she has never once judged me and indeed I then recalled how many trife stories I have shared with her and how we end up laughing at all the trifeness and I feel so much better for sharing the burden of my trifeness with someone else. And vice versa of course, since immediately following my share session, she shared an equally hilarious / trife story for which I did not pass judgment whatsoever. I’d say that if she and I put together all our trife decisions and got paid maybe $1 per each occurance / situation we put ourselves in, we could easily afford our dream trip to Italy. And honestly, if I didn’t have at least one person to share all the trifeness with and unburden myself from all of my self-judgment, I think I’d shrivel up and just be an ugly prune-y raisin of yucky self-loathing trifeness! I am fairly certain that the above principle, The $1 per Trife Occasion Shared with Girlfriends Principle, would afford any pair of BFFs their dream trip to Fiji. Or where ever your girlie little heart desires. Seriously. And when we (girlfriends) can’t be physically together (no homo), the phone convos consist of at least one of the following per month:

Me: I did the most trife thing ever, you will SO judge me.
Her: I SO will not. Tell me.
Me: No seriously, I’m the biggest pyro klepto lying prude whore in the world. And I’m getting fat.
Her: Shut up and spill the deets whore. And you’re not getting fat, I just checked your new pics on FB.
Me: Fine.

Or, alternatively:
Me: [Successfully guesses what happens]
Her: OMG YES. It was so trife, I am such a [insert self-loathing adjective here, ranging from fatty, whore, bitch, prude, etc.]
Me: No you are not, because I did that last week. So if you are, then that means I am, which is so not true because we are both fabulous.
Her. Right. Thank God.
Us: Smooches via telephone.

So you see, girlfriends really are elemental to my self-esteem and sanity on a daily basis. Almost every situation I find myself in has the following options:  a) Mommy, Daddy, and Grandparent approved, b) Mommy only approved since you’d never mention this to your father, c) BFF tested and approved, d) BFF approved though she might laugh at you a little bit, or e) NO ONE WOULD APPROVE OF THIS – DO NOT DO IT.  Catch that scale there – ranging from most acceptable to least acceptable. All I’m saying folks is that I love my GFs. They are awesome. And most of them have done things way more trife than I have, so honestly I take comfort in that. Thanks ya’ll. To all of you who have endured my trife stories and reassured me that I am not a fatty triflin ho, I hope we will be friends until we are this many years old! Miss Sassy loves you. And to all of you upon whom I have bestowed wisdom beyond my years and/or listening ear, you’re welcome. I am nothing without you.

Mr. Too-Many-Text-Messages-Guy

Miss Swan (Raleigh Roomz…great nickname if I do say so myself) had been text chatting with this dude who does not live in R-town. He was all up on the text messaging. Like numerous times per day, numerous topics, far exceeding the 160 character limit, and not waiting for a response before he sends a billion more messages. It’s super cute. JK. It’s super something, but cute it ain’t. It is an excellent indication that he’s super into her, and also it’s an indication that he never got a text message etiquette lesson. I’m not necessarily saying there’s certain rules that you must abide by at all times, but there are just certain rules you must abide by at all times. This is more of a common issue than perhaps you might guess, so we will discuss it.

Dudes. Ya’ll know that girl who texts you 24/7 and is always responding to your texts within 2 seconds of you sending it. You know that one that doesn’t know when to stop. She is always sending something. It can be anything from “hey baby whatcha doin” to “OMG just ran into a friend from middle school at the grocery store, couldn’t remember her name, FML!” And you’re all like, I don’t care, but how do I say that nicely in a text? You can’t, so you don’t respond. It’s ok. We all do it. That’s the standard. Your phone goes off, you are disappointed to see it’s her again. She’s checking on you. Sharing some deep thoughts while you’re out with your boyz. You’re relaxing having a brew and she’s all waxing poetic about the universe and the Moon Lady. You just talked to her a couple times and now she’s all up on you like woah. And who the heck is the Moon Lady?! So you stop responding only she continues to send message after message. SO annoying.

Ladies. Ya’ll know that man be all blowin your phone up like he get paid top dolla to bother you all day. Trife. And you’re so tired. You don’t really like him like that. He’s SO nice and even kind of cute, but you just either a) don’t check your phone often enough to keep up, b) don’t even have time to respond because he’s sending them so frequently, or c) don’t really want to respond for fear of leading him on, because you just don’t think of him like that. But it’s so weird! He won’t stop texting! I mean like all day long! It is so bad in fact, that you begin to wonder if he even has a job or if he was lying to you about being a financial advice giver. How can anyone advise people all day and still have time to send super long texts uber frequently. I hate the word uber and yet I still used it because it is perfect for this situation. It is trife.

So how do we really know when to stop texting? How many is too many? What if some of them didn’t get through and you’re just making sure some of them get through by sending so many?? You just want to share everything with him. You just want her to know you’re thinking about her. Just so much to say. Plus you don’t get to talk on the phone because of your schedules, so what else are you supposed to do?! Here’s a thought: be rational. Technology is pretty advanced these days. Texts “go through.” They work now, pretty consistently. Fine, there’s the occasional delay or failed message. But it’s rare. 99% of the time (not a real statistic but it’s close to accurate I’m sure unless you live in the boonies), that ish gets to the other phone perfectly. Well he must be busy or something. She might be at the gym or washing her hair. OR…$20 to whoever guesses what I’m going to say next. He’s just not that into you! And need I remind us all again that it applies to both genders, so it’s perfectly possible that she’s just not that into you! Not sure if you are the guy who sends too many text messages? Here’s a good test: Scroll through your phone convo and see what the proportion of your texts to hers is. Is she super responsive and sending you long, informative, and cutesy texts? Fine and dandy. Are you seeing way more of your sent messages than her responses? Do you even remember when the last time she responded was? Time to stop and say no to drugs. Miss Swan’s little man needed to perform this test on himself so he could save himself from heartbreak and/or awkwardness when he realizes that he’s been having a text convo with himself.

Seriously, texting is super fun. It has changed the way we communicate with each other, and it has changed the dating game beyond recognition. Plans can be made without the two parties involved even speaking to each other (although MSP does not endorse this practice, despite using it most all the time). One can be in constant contact with numerous other people at one time, including one’s mother. And there’s certainly no rule that says you must take turns sending messages to maintain a 1:1 ratio all the time. But when your ratio is more like 20:1, you should rethink your strategy. Maybe it’s time to actually make a phone call, take her out, let her know you’re not just some lazy bum who can’t muster any more effort than text messages. Or maybe it’s time to re-evaluate the situation. She’s probably not answering you for a reason. And what is that reason? That’s right. She’s just not that into you. So how about you two open the lines of communication, figure out what you feel for each other, and please adjust your text message frequency accordingly. And if you insist that you’re just being friendly and you don’t even like like her, then you’re a) in denial or b) just really weird for sending so many unanswered messages. Seriously, get a hold of yourself and get a hobby and some new friends.

Left my parka in Virginia. Which is bad since it’s FREEZING COLD here.

Oh, the land of fruits and nuts. The People’s Republic of California. It is a large state, and spans pretty much the entirety of the west coast from north to south, which you’d know unless you skipped all of elementary school. I said pretty much. So apparently when people talk about “sunny California” they actually only mean LA and/or San Diego, since San Francisco at this time of year is really more like the fictional vampire-ridden town of Forks, only with high-rises and turrible traffic.

In fact, and apparently everyone knew this except for me, it is freezing cold and foggy in San Francisco pretty much all the time. If I had a dime for every time someone told me the little anecdote about Mark Twain saying, “The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco,” I’d be able to reimburse myself for my plane ticket out here, my Hertz rental car, and the security deposit on my new fancy schmancy apartment. Seriously. And it hasn’t even been 2 weeks. Luckily for me, I had the foresight to look up regional weather patterns prior to making the trek out here so I had a couple (couple = 2) cardigans and a cute spring jacket with 3/4 length sleeves with me! Which of course all turned out to be NOT ENOUGH coverage even when worn all at the same time.

But enough complaining, because honestly I don’t even live in true San Francisco so the frigid summer temperatures don’t affect me all that much. But still. Picture my surprise/goosebumps when Roomz and I first hit fresh air off the airplane only to discover that we were both mistakenly dressed for Hawaii. Brnt. Shivering on my part began .5 seconds later. Luckily as I said, we ended up choosing to live in the east-most area that is still considered East Bay, and thanks to a little baby mountain range we are protected from the bizarre fog that literally rolls in with zero notice and takes the temps down 20 degrees in .5 seconds. It’s nice, but also sort of weird since when we leave for work in the morning, it’s hovering around 50. By lunch, I’m still needing a cardigan, but when we leave for the day in the evening, it’s hovering around 90. Weird! Hard to complain since typically I’d be drenched in sweat walking to my car in the gloriously hot and humid Richmond summers. I miss them, but not that much.

I’m adjusting well though, since the other great thing about this cute little town we picked is that it has a famous shopping district! [Poppa Pants, no need to read further.] That’s right folks, the downtown area, complete with wine bars, 20 Chinese and Thai restaurants, a couple diners, and the best mall in the world is just a short trolley ride away! Imagine my joy when I discovered that not only do we live SO close to this mecca, but I can ride a trolley to get there. Ok fine it’s just a bus that looks like a trolley, but whatevs. And BONUS, the trolley is free. You know, Miss Sassy always pinching pennies where she can. So to combat not having appropriate clothing, I of course have hit up sales looking to Californiarize my work wardrobe. It has worked gloriously thus far (on a budget, obvs) and I am thoroughly pleased. Also I never understood boots in the summer (what is the point of a “summer bootie” when I want to wear as little as possible…) and was clearly full of judgement for ladies wearing suede boots in August, but since all weather in the summer is not 100+ degrees with 100 billion percent humidity, I get it now! And will soon be adding these to my collection (I know, they’re so cute right!). Stoked. Little East Coast girl, learning some fashion/life lessons. How quaint.

And look at me keeping to my posting schedule. Happy Monday, ya’ll!

Friday Announcement: Doin Big Thangs, Ya’ll

Happy Friday! Random updates today:

1) I updated the page that tells you who the heck I am! It’s new and improved, and I am new and always improving myself.

2) My theme got updated and I didn’t even do anything! There’s new functions I think…list of recent posts, rate me, like me, EMAIL ME, subscribe to me. And in return you’ll get my undying love and gratitude, and possibly some prizes down the road. I’m thinking it over.

3) I have received some constructive criticism from someone who never minces words. Therefore, I am implementing a posting schedule to make this jank a little more regular. I’ll pause a minute for all the Activia jokes going through your head right now. And moving on. Going forward, I will *hopefully* be maintaining a twice weekly posting on Mondays and Thursdays, time TBD. If I find that I am overrun with trifeness and other jank to write about I will increase the frequency to thrice weekly. Points to me for using thrice in a sentence. Twice.

4) I am so excited for my first weekend of exploration in San Francisco! Thanks to family and friends who have given me oodles of suggestions. Big D (roommate…that nickname is on a trial run, I haven’t decided if I actually like it) and I will be Dora the Explorer-ing tomorrow and Sunday. High hopes, ya’ll!

5) SUPPOSEDLY there is a Chick-fil-a nearby! I can’t wait to find it and get me a chicken biscuit.

6) Happy 90th and 87th Birthdays to my grandfather and grandmother! They are great people and embody what makes Amurica a great nation. Whenever I think about being lazy, I think of them and it inspires me to not watch so much of the tube. More on that later.

That is all. Smooches to everyone.

Holy Liberals, Batman! It’s California!

Ohmahgah! So I know it’s been a gagillion years since there’s been fresh juice from this orange, but a quick glance at my reader odometer tells me readership is not down that much. Thanks ya’ll. So what the heck has been happening? Tons and lots and mucho. Once again my social calendar is jam packed to the brim, men all up on my cell phone, ladies all jealous of my fab new haircut and shoe collection. And again just joking. Quick run-down: I moved out of my fab ex-roommates’ house (miss you girls) in Raleigh and came back to live at Casa di Momma Sassy and Poppa Pants for 4 weeks whilst enduring the torture that is 3 weeks of IT training put upon me by my gainful employer. I saw everyone possible, had a fun girls weekend, planned an awesome reunion trip to DC that I unfortunately had to bail on because hey! I moved to California!

There are so many stories I could tell/will tell eventually I’m sure, but for now I want to reflect on things that I have noticed initially that are SO different here on the left coast. Things that I have tabulated in my head over the last 7 days include but are not limited to the following items. There is no sweet tea here. Just “iced tea.” There are LOTS of Prius’s. Like LOTS. And people who drive them are more annoying than usual, with stickers on the back bragging that they passed some emissions test that every vehicle has to pass anyway in this state. Big freaking deal, you’re compliant with the law. There is no good college football, and no one really cares that there isn’t any good college football except for me apparently. I miss Chick-fil-a and Bojangles breakfast buiscuits and potatoes. Children are just as annoying here as they are anywhere else. Weed is about to be legalized here for realz, despite the fact that everyone knows it would get the hold-up from the Feds. I say it’s a good idea because then maybe California wouldn’t be about to declare bankruptcy every day. No one knows how to merge here, so that is something that reminds me of pretty much any place in the world I’ve been where merging is necessary. They love their organic yogurt here. Like in a weird obsessive way. They love organic anything here. The public transportation rocks. No one says “ya’ll” but me. Shampoo costs $20 instead of $6. Gas costs $90/gallon instead of just $2.50. Apartment hunting is just as difficult here as anywhere, but more expensive. A/C is not standard anywhere. Everyone has those weird looking shoe/sandal hybrids that I think are Fugly. The fog over San Francisco is gorgeous. It is not warm here like I thought it would be. And lastly, anyone who doesn’t have a Prius has a Mini just like me. It’s cool but also makes me feel unoriginal, BUT I bet they’ll all give me the peace sign back when I wave UNLIKE everyone in VA/NC who I waved to in a Mini. Jerks.

So that’s my quickie update! I have dubbed my new roomz Big D for lack of a creative genius moment/I’m tired of using Roomz and it’s confusing for all my previous roommates. He’s a nice guy and apparently likes to cook, which I see benefiting me in the future since we all know I enjoy bowls of cereal in liu of real meals on the reg. He doesn’t want to be talked about on this here jank so I will try to respect his wishes, but he must know (if he is reading) that if he keeps requesting to not be mentioned that the chances of me mentioning him increase. Anywho, we are getting along fine and both getting tired of being confused for a married couple. Buying mattresses together gives people that impression apparently, even when you are buying 2 queens instead of just one.

If anyone is coming to visit please do leave a note and we’ll plan some fun times! Alternatively, if you have any recommendations on places I should visit while I am here let me know! I have about 20 weekends until I move away, and I can’t wait to fill them all.

PS! New functions thanks to WordPress/whoever designed my theme! Rate enties, “Like” entries, subscribe to MSP! Subscribers get extra benefits, like being notified ASAP when I post something, and possibly future giveaways. I just came up with that but seriously it could happen. So DO IT.