Your “Game” is terrible. Try again.

I know many of you are clamoring to hear all about NASCAR adventures, all the hot rugby boys we hung out with, all the beer I drank, the number of hot dogs I ate, the ridiculously fat guy in a speedo that Queenie took a photo with, etc. I promise to get on that as soon as possible. But I must take a timeout and add some thoughts to Tuesday’s post. Thanks to one of my dear friends here in Raleigh, a book has come to my attention which I had never heard of. Correction: I had heard of this kind of  book/tv show/concept but it stayed in that back part of my mind that holds all the irrelevant information. In general I never really thought any of this was actually put in practice, but last Friday I was proven wrong apparently.

The book is called The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists. Click the link and read, as I did, the synopsis/editorial review provided by Amazon.com, and you may find some familiar lines in just that one summary paragraph. I must admit I was shocked when I read this. While I do not find it remotely hard to believe that books like this exist, I do find it incredible that guys actually use this jank in public on real live women and think they will get results. Maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m too picky, or snobby, or just not as dumb and easy as other chicks are. I don’t know because I’m me. Ladies? Am I wrong? Is this not ridiculous? When I relayed this development to Momma Sassy, we had a good laugh which was followed by her expressing sympathy for these two epic failure pickup artist wannabes. “I actually feel bad for them,” she says, in that motherly-pity-voice that mothers do so well. I am shocked and do not see any room for sympathy or pity in this situation and ask her to explain. “Well, don’t you think it’s just pitiful that they felt the need to read a book to teach them how to just talk to women?” Um, not really. “I just think it’s extremely pitiful.” Ok fine, I agree, it’s pitiful but I feel zero sympathy for a guy who thinks “Do you believe in magic tricks” is a good way to start a conversation at a bar. Or anywhere. Just say no.

Let’s take a step back. I am not so insensitive to think that all men should just know they should just be themselves and be confident enough to talk to a pretty girl/gorgeous cougar at a bar/some other public venue. It’s like Hitch said, a guy wants a plan because he’s worried he might walk up to said lady and have a brain fart (as I referred to them in the past, so ladylike).  But seriously, being yourself and being normal…it works. Even if you are only trying to, as Momma Sassy so delicately put it, “get into someone’s pants” for one night, I’d say you have a better chance of succeeding if you aren’t a super sketch ball right from the start, especially with some kid magic trick my 10 year old cousin can do. How about, show me the magic of your personality and why I should pick you out of every other guy in here? If you start talking and I start wishing I had stayed home to watch Gilmore Girls reruns, it’s not good.

What is super great (and gratifying for gals like me) about this book is that, at the end, the author apparently comes to the same conclusion as I have stated here. The pickup lines and supposed “smoothness” don’t actually work. As the synopsis says: “…he comes to an important realization. His techniques were actually off-putting to the woman he ended up falling in love with. And they never prepared him for actually having a relationship. After a while, he ran out of one-liners and had to have a real conversation.” OMG ya’ll! A real conversation! Who would have guessed that in the end, none of those chicks he “scored” would want to end up with him? Who knew that women like a real guy who knows how to carry on a conversation. We do actually want a man with a brain, in addition to our desire for big biceps and 6-packs. Shocking news. Also I love the part about how it didn’t prepare him for a relationship. Um, ya think?

So I guess, if you would like to have an in general meaningless existence filled with meaningless hookups, dumb chicks, and herpes, read and heed the advice of this book and others like it. If, however, you are on the prowl for a cute chick with a brain, try using “hi” and “my name is …” as your pickup lines and she just might say hi back.

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