Monthly Archives: May 2010

If he needs more Midol than you…there might be a problem.

Boys boys boys! Who is shocked that this post will be about boys? If you answered yes and actually meant it, you should stop reading immediately and go have your head checked. Seriously folks, I am nothing if not consistent.

Here’s the background story for today’s foreground story: My dear friend and colleague, Queenie, has been “seeing” this guy for a good number of months (this is not a heading-towards-marriage-and-babies thing, but a good time nonetheless) and I’ll be honest and say she’s been struggling a bit. Now, Queenie is a hot chick. She is tall and gorgeous with an adorable/sexy/cute haircut, is always put together, is super smart and very good at her job, and on top of it all has a bangin’ personality complete with occasional snarky comments and sarcasm. She is the total package. Her momma done raised her right. Bottom line is she’s not the quiet, shy girl who gets walked all over by dudes. So. Dude she’s hanging with is good looking, knows it, is also smart (unconfirmed), and has a semi-decent personality (unconfirmed), and perhaps has other decent qualities about him which Queenie deems worthy. I have not actually met him so suffice it to say, she is interested enough to spend her time with him. He, on the other hand, seems interested enough to spend some of his time with her, and the rest of the time he finds it appropriate to blow her off.  I will now dissect all the reasons why this is trife.

RUDE. A la my home girl Bon Qui Qui. Miss Sassy says it is RUDE (pronounced with less emphasis on the “D”..almost like you’re just saying “RUE”) to cancel on your girl (or anyone for that matter) in excess of 3 times per every 5 times you hang out. I just made that up. But ladies, if your man of the moment is making plans with you and cancelling more than half the time for who-cares-what-reason, it is time to say goodbye. Say it with me now: Buh-bye. Go find you a man who will make plans and stick to them.

The reason: Yes, sometimes he’s bizy gurl and he gotta be at work late makin that dolla, yaknowwhatimsayin! Fine. Excusable excuses include: death in the family (ish is serious, have a heart), illness in the family if it is major, ie cancer, heart attack, etc. If he is all “my cousin has chicken pox, I can’t hang out,” that is triflin. Other reasons are case by case but I maintain, if he is into you he will sacrifice anything and everything to keep a date with you! You are hot girl, trust. INexcusable excuses include the following: He’s in a weird mood. I’ll type it again in case any of you had my reaction when Queenie shared this with me: He’s in a weird mood, as in “been moody lately.” Tri-fa-lin. I am the girl. I am allowed to be moody because I have a monthly menstrual cycle that jacks up my hormones and makes me cry at the drop of the hat and yell at everyone for anything. And if asked what my reason is for being such a queen biotch, I am “moody.” Luckily modern medicine provides Midol, Advil, and heating pads to decrease the chance that I fly off the handle at any given moment. But you, dear gentlemen, have no excuse. And if you are “moody” then PLEASE make something better up for crying out loud! There is not a chance in our Lord’s house that I will ever believe you don’t want to hang out with me because you are “moody” and “feeling off this week.”  At least be a little creative.

If a dude blows me off, this tells me a few things, but mostly it tells me that you’re not that into me. If this is not the message you want to send me, then you should stop blowing me off. It is really quite simple. If we chat every Monday and make plans to, say, watch LOST every week on Wednesdays at 9pm (DVR, no commercials, duh), and then every Wednesday at 8:30pm, you TEXT me (trife…man up and make the phone call) and say something along the lines of “hey [insert cutesy name here], I’m not feeling well, rain check? :)” this is what I see: “hey [name which makes me vom], I found something better to do, don’t really care if we hang out again but I’m half-way trying to not be a jerk.” Smiley’s in texts like that are useless and typically ignored, as there is nothing cute or worth smiling about in this situation. Alternate versions of this text read something like this “…[cutesy name], something came up…” or “…my mom is surprise visiting me…” or “I had to work late, I’m exhausted…” All of these say the same thing: found something better to do. What’s even better is when, later that very Wednesday evening when you could be hanging out, he sends something super-cheesy like “miss you [cutesy name], can’t wait to see you at work tomorrow 😉 …” E-NUF with the cutesy emoticons and wink faces.

If you’re a dude, you might be rationalizing at this point: things come up! Seriously, my mom did surprise me, you don’t know my mom! It was a once-in-a-lifetime concert! My boss is crazy and made me work until 10! Answer: I. Don’t. Care. It is my experience (either through my legit own experiences or through my homegirls’ experiences through which I live vicariously on occasion) that none of these excuses are really real. Sure, you’re mom could have surprised you. Yes it was an awesome concert you got last minute tickets to.  But what about the last time you blew me off, and the time before that, and the time before that? If it’s a pattern, it’s a problem. And as the wise Poppa Pants has been saying since I was 3, it’s what you do, not what you say. He’s right folks, and let’s be real and acknowledge that I don’t admit to that fact for just anything.

If you absolutely must break a date, the polite and acceptable alternative is to reschedule, instead of just canceling with a vague promise to call or text at a vague later time to make another vague and easily cancel-able plan.

Bottom line: be consistent, if you like me/her/whoever. Do not make plans with me, then decide you don’t like frizzy hair and cancel at the last minute. Because in a hot second, I/she/whoever will drop you and move on to the next [better looking] [smarter] [funnier] dude who thinks and knows that we are fabulous and sassy, and doesn’t mind my frizzy hair.

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Roses are red, violets are blue, your family is crazy and so are you!

Like my rhyme? I thought it was clever. This past weekend was the beloved and ever-popular Lebanese Food Festival, hosted by the beloved and and beautiful families of St. Anthony’s Maronite Catholic Church in Richmond’s West End. It is a fun-filled weekend of eating, dancing, laughing, enjoying at least one thunderstorm, eating, and if you’re a parishioner, it includes chopping chicken, parsley, garlic, and other very ethnic and strong-smelling ingredients for the “white people” to consume. All proceeds benefit the church and a foundation which supports and cares for orphans in Lebanon. It is a noble cause, and a fab time.

Anywhoooos. This weekend had me thinking about My Big Fat Greek Wedding and how everyone thinks that movie is a joke. However, I’m here to convince you that the movie is completely fact-based and a truthful conveyance of practices, and is actually based on every and any ethnic family in the whole world. Let’s discuss.  [PS can we please check out the cast list of this movie? It is like an alliance of Greek and Italian mob members!]

1) Eat something! This is a classic line from MBFGW, said multiple times and in multiple contexts, but the most notable of these is when Toula tells her mother she’s in love with Ian: “But Ma, I love him!” To which her mother logically replies, “Oh Toula! Eat something!” And walks away. Eating is a common concept which heals all evils across many ethnicities. Anyone who has any kind of strong heritage will tell you it’s not a Greek thing, it’s a Polish thing! Or it’s an Ethiopian thing! Or even it’s an American thing! But I still maintain that no one does eating like the Mediterranean cultures (I am loyal to my main heritage, the Italians, and honestly think we are the best eaters but Lebanon and Greece come in close second). So while at the Lebanese Food Festival, I probably encountered some form of this “eat something!” mantra at least 4 times per each hour I was there. The most memorable, other than the times in which I was commanded to eat more, happened when I was sitting at a picnic table with another family. 3 elementary aged girls, their mother or aunt, and a grandfather. Not even sure it was their grandfather but in this place, it doesn’t matter. Every grandfather is a grandfather to every child. So he’s standing there, the girls are giggling and talking with each other and the mother, and on the table is a plate of un-eaten cheese pies. No one is paying these cheese pies any attention and suddenly Jiddoo (Arabic for “grandfather”) points to the pies and demands that the girls eat them: “Who’s are these? Eat them!” Which he then repeats in Arabic, lest anyone not understand his demand to consume. He subsequently walks away shaking his head. The little girls eye the pies on the plate and each take one and start nibbling with looks of boredom on their faces. It’s normal, the demand to eat, and with such good food, who wants to say no!?

2) Marriage and babies. Toula says in the beginning of the movie, “There are three things that every Greek woman must do in life: marry Greek boys, make Greek babies, and feed everyone.” At St. A’s, there is no “Lebanese School” and they don’t necessarily come right out and teach lessons like “If Nick has one goat, and Maria has nine, how soon will they marry?” But God help you if you are single! Singleness is almost a disease, and if you are single for too long, there’s something wrong with you, but it’s ok because Lawwwwd do they have a match for you! And you will make beautiful children, so why not! Yenta is a Jewish name, but an easily translatable occupation. Right? Of course right! In my family, Yenta’s name is Momma Sassy and all of Twin’s aunts.

Example: While at the festival I was, as usual, hanging out with/clinging to Twin and Mimi (Mimi is Twin’s actual sister and my non-sister, since I clearly am an only child by birth, but blessed with these ladies as my pseudo sisters. Love you girls) as we eat, walk around, watch the dancing, listen to the ethnic music, and carry massive bowls of parsley to and from the food booth. At any given moment, if there was an aunt around (similar concept to the grandfathers: she doesn’t have to be your aunt, but you still call her “Aunt” and she knows you like she is your aunt), she would grill one or all three of us about our love lives. “Twin! Are you seeing anyone? Have you met Anthony?” “Mimi! I know you’re dating that boy, but how serious is it? I have a friend who has a nephew who is perfect for you! Oh you’re related to him, that’s right…” “Miss Sassy! Haven’t seen you in forever, how’s your boyfriend!? Oh! You don’t have a boyfriend! Well…” *devious scheming look that only moms and aunts have* “Come with me, you need to meet Anthony!” Oy. A few things of note here: remember how everyone is named “Nick” in MBFGW? Everyone here is named Anthony. Also, everyone in the church is related. And if you’re not related, you marry into that family which makes you related. Which means that, luckily for Twin and Mimi, they are not available to most the young men in the church as there is some kind of familial tie which binds them and prevents another tie from being tied. I, on the other hand, being an adopted Daughter of Lebanon and not an actual blood relative, am available to pretty much every un-married young (or old) man in the entire congregation. I keep a low profile so as not to be noticed or set up. It rarely works, but I like to pick my own, thanks.

3) 40 first cousins. As I mentioned above, practically everyone at this church is related. There are something like 5 or 6 main families, and they are the oldest Lebanese families in the area and have been attending St. A’s forever since whichever Jiddoo immigrated from Lebanon. Every or most families make trips to Lebanon to visit family, and thoughts of shipping daughters back to the motherland to find a husband is not a joke. The families set up sons and daughters to marry each other and the family cedar tree grows. Twin and Mimi have something like 4 times the amount of first cousins I have, and the circle of 2nd cousins grows exponentially and in general is too difficult to keep track of. And if you find a “white person” to marry, they better integrate themselves into the culture because otherwise awkwardness ensues. Picture Rodney and Harriet Miller drunk from ouzo and saying no-thank-you to “Greek meat, very good!”

4) Family be all up in your business, 24/7. Lots of times this is not an ethnic thing. If you have a big family or even a small family, if you’re close, they likely know too much about you for your comfort. But again, it seems the Mediterranean cultures do this best. They are always together all the time, eating all the time, gossiping, and sharing in each other’s joys, sorrows, accomplishments, and failures, whether they like it or not. Sort of ties into point #2 about marriage and setting up every available daughter with every available son. Toula explains to Ian the complexities and annoyances of her family by saying, “…Everybody is in each other’s lives and business, all the time! Like, you never just have a minute alone! Just to think! ‘Cause we’re always together, just eating, eating, eating!” And this is so true, but it is also true that while at times we all sometimes just want to be away from all the ethnicity and maybe have a small family with 2 first cousins instead of 27, deep down you know you’d never trade them in. At the end, Toula admits she would never do such a thing: “My family is big and loud but they’re my family. We fight and we laugh and yes, we roast lamb on a spit in the front yard. And where ever I go, what ever I do they will always be there.” I have never seen any lamb roasting on a spit in anyone’s front yard, and at the festival I’m fairly sure they marinate the meat in something delicious and roast it in an oven instead of on a spit, but the rest of the line is accurate. All aunts are freaking crazy. If their kids are too young to date, they will live vicariously through whichever niece or nephew is closest and attempt to set them up with any decent looking halfway respectable boy or gal they know. And you can’t hate, because you will do the same when you’re an aunt with 3 kids in 10 to 20 years (we don’t want to rush these things – 30 is not an expiration date ladies).

Love your family. They are crazy in the head sometimes most all the time, but you are not alone. Every other person on the planet has some kind of crazy relative or family situation. And you are just as crazy as they are and don’t realize it. So don’t be a hypocrite. Plus, sometimes those aunts know some really cute boys, so maybe you should keep an open mind…

Miss Sassy’s Shoe Selection #..who knows

So it appears that I sort of abandoned this shoe love part of my blog, but have no fear! It’s back. I know all the boys were upset and wanting to see which pair of shoes I would purchase and chat up next so now you can put your minds at ease, because I have some goodies for you today.

Remember back in the day when I was touting the awesomeness of endless.com and their amazing FREE overnight shipping deal? Well I still think endless is the best place to find some sassy style for your tootsies, however this time, I failed to find something there which was reasonably priced to justify the awesomeness of the free overnight shipping fun. Enter my 2nd place shoe selling lover, DSW. Anyone who has not been to a DSW is seriously deranged (other than Poppa Pants, he’s a special case). Anywhooosies, last week I ventured with Roomz to DSW for a little post-stressful-workday shoe shopping, having identified a few looks that I was lacking for the spring and summer seasons. Also according to my trainer, my gym shoes “suck ass” so I was also aiming to remedy this catastrophe.

The store nearest my home was somewhat lacking in what I was looking for as far as spring and summer fun-ness, however I did score a pair of fab looking New Balance gym shoes in yellow for 50% off. I am nothing if not a bargain hunter people.  As for the spring and summer fun-ness, http://www.dsw.com did not let me down AND afforded me the benefit of applying two discounts: 15% off and free shipping. Woowoo! Who doesn’t love entering those awesome discount codes at checkout? I always love how they come up with the weirdest letter combinations. They should take a lesson from Victoria’s Secret who has the greatest discount codes with things like BRA15 and FREEPANTY.  Raise your hand if you love typing FREEPANTY. [Side note: I feel they should always give lady undies away for free, it’s got to cost like 15 cents to make that ish anyway…charging $20 is just not right for .01 yards of fabric. For realz.] Digression. On to the goods!

I now present you with my victories: Naughty Monkey Parade Platform in black (I got the last pair on sale from DSW so it’s no longer available for viewing from there). And Seychelles Hulabaloo Wedge aka in yellow. I am now anxiously awaiting my lovers’ arrival at my door so that I may grace my feet with their presence. The New Balance were super discounted and therefore not pictured. Catch me at my local Gold’s Gym with my fresh non-white sneaks.

BONUS! A couple months ago I caved to the spring trend and purchased a pair of adorable spring boots in tan. If I have not previously mentioned it, this is by far my favorite look for spring. Pair them with a flowery sundress (or every sundress you own like I have done) and don’t resist buying a cowboy hat from the random street vendor to go with the look. They are versatile, hide my at times un-pedicured tootsies, and also keep my feet warm in the office. Sandals add mucho cuteness to boring work outfits but you know I be wishing I had me some slippers whilst sitting in an ice box of an office. Trust.

Is there a lesson from this shoe selection? Of course! To your own style be true, but do not be trife. Wearing these to the office is not acceptable (and in my view not acceptable any time since they’re pretty darn ugly) but rocking some cute wedges with those boring dry-clean-only dress pants is perfectly acceptable.  And whatever you do, please do not hobble and trip your way around the office in your new kicks. Heels are sassy and sexy (and work-place appropriate!) but only if you can walk in them like a lady. Miss Sassy recommends practicing at home before venturing outside to flaunt your fabulousness.