Yet another case has come to my attention that leads me to believe that Men have gone missing. Please contact your local law enforcement (this includes you, cousin of mine in England – Men are missing from there too, I’m sure – sans your amazing hubby of course) and have them put out an amber alert for Men. I, and my Women colleagues would like to be apprised of the status of this case should any new developments develop. The alert should include the following information at a minimum: Men were last seen a) driving a pickup truck that is not too small or too large, b) having confidence but not little man syndrome or over-compensating for something *cough*, c) being a real Man, as in minimal hair gel usage, no double popped collars, and no V-necked t-shirts a la Simon Cowell (yuck) with any kind of Ed Hardy-esque shiny design.
What follows is a sample of evidence I have gathered that has helped lead me to my conclusion that Men have indeed gone missing. I received a report from Miss Foxy regarding a possible Man siting. We were both excited, as his Man-credentials included bull-riding (what could be more manly?) and being from Alabama (not a prerequisite that is necessary for all Men, but a southern accent is occasionally charming). However, further exposure to said Man revealed that he is actually not a real Man. Charges against him included needing to be reassured every 5 seconds that he was “cool,” “edgy,” and/or “crazy,” and asking permission for too many things (real Men will know when to ask and when to take action). This evidence suggests that he seriously lacked confidence in any area, except apparently when riding a raging bull.
Again, should any new developments arise concerning the location of Men, please notify Miss Sassy Pants. No need to panic or run frantically around town searching, as I’m sure a logical and rational search will yield results.