Monthly Archives: January 2010

Miss Sassy Pants for President! JK.

Let’s talk about…sex baby, let’s talk about you and me, let’s talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be…Ha, just kidding. Good song though. Anywhoooz, happy Friday! Today I am pensively contemplating (is that redundant?) a few topics and have finally settled on one for the day…get ready.

Since Wednesday’s SOTU by the great and honorable POTUS *cough*, I am enormously more concerned with the direction this nation is going. Just to be sure I don’t put myself at risk of sounding like a professional political analyst during the next few paragraphs, here’s another disclaimer: I’m not a professional political analyst. No worries – sarcasm, exaggeration, and of course sass will prevail. I’ll also add for the record that for the most part I write solely based on emotional reaction. Raging hormones I tell you!

Today’s emotional reaction is astonishment at stupidity, blatant disregard for fact-checking, disrespect, and twisting of scenarios to fit a political agenda. News flash: Americans aren’t retarded! Surprise! I would argue that most of us are capable of seeing through silly politicians’ lip service to ideas and new “policies” they think we want. I think someone should write a letter addressed to all members of Congress that reads something like this: “Hey dipwads, you can’t fool us, stop effing up the country. K thanks. Love, America.” Perhaps I’ll write it. Anyone else want to sign? I mean seriously, just because you stopped using the word “reform” for a little while doesn’t fool anyone. Also I’m thinking maybe another letter to our great and wonderful, bold and courageous, well dressed and excellent teleprompter-reading president. It might go something like this: “Yo, Pres. Swallow your pride and check your ego. We don’t appreciate you yelling at us and telling us we are going to get health care whether we want it or not. That’s called dictatorship. K thanks. Love, America.” Ok so it’s a work in progress, whatevs. But seriously. What happened to honesty, being in touch with your people, and airing everything on CSPAN so us regular kiddos can see what the heck is happening? It’s ok though, maybe you forgot about that particular promise. No biggie. There were so many I guess it’s hard to keep track.

Yesterday I went to lunch with some older coworkers and was discussing retirement plans with one dude. You could say he is one accurate stereotype for the middle class – middle aged, been working for this here company for about 15 years, married to a school teacher, zero kids (congrats), belongs to a gym which he frequents daily at 5am (insane). He was pissed when the market crashed because his 401k lost ridiculous value. In the past year he’s gotten a little more than half of it back. Not too shabby. He admitted to me that he was raised Republican and traditionally has “Republican values,” however in the last election he voted for Obama (surprise!), and is now vastly disappointed (surprise!) in what has happened since BHO’s term started. I guess he was thinking he’d get “change” and “hope” for his dwindling retirement account. Sike. I swallowed the numerous variations of “DUH” and “YOU ASKED FOR IT” that came to mind and kept my opinions to myself, saying something neutral like “Yes, well, we will see what happens next.” He’s my superior after all, I don’t want to be fired for my political opinions. Car payment people, car payment.

But really, we will see what happens. I don’t want to be super cynical and honestly don’t think we’re quite flushed all the way down the toilet just yet. In the toilet for sure, but maybe not flushed. I have to admit though that every day I read something like this or this (don’t even get me started on that second one…do we really want this guy hanging out in a US court? In a jail in America’s homeland? Admit it, he’s scary. And he hates you – yes, all of you, so why should we cut him any slack!?) I want to immediately move to some other country. Yes, America is great and free and not socialist (yet) but Italians have better food, cheaper wine, and prettier countryside, plus more Catholic churches where I can find the man of my dreams for whom I can cook and clean (come on, that’s funny). Meantime, I slave away in my cubicle in Corporate America, hoping that the new taxes and regulations (which ones? I don’t know, pick one) won’t affect my employer in an averse way so I can keep my job and my car and my livelihood. Cheers to wishful thinking and “hope” that someone gets it right. Soon.

Stay tuned for an update on my move to/life in Raleigh…it involves a daily 8am meeting starting next week for which I am super excited! Woohoo early mornings!

Have fun in the snow this weekend kiddie-poos! I’ll be driving the dirty Mini Coop following the plow truck to NC.

Old Roomz, New Roomz, Yellow Curtains

Recently Mr. Smarty Pants aka new nickname Roomz (Roomz III truly, since two of my previous roommates have had this nickname) has moved into la Casa degli Pantaloni Sfacciati (House of the Sassy Pants, in Italian. Fun to say: “sfah-chee-ah-tee”) for a few months while he is job searching! All my life I have wished for a big brother. I wanted him to be older (check – one month), have a driver’s license (check) and a car (check) so he could drive me to McDonald’s to get french fries and a McFlurry (haven’t convinced him to do this yet). I’m not making this up, I really did want this. A little girls dream, no? It is painfully obvious I am an only child. What big brother would ever drive his annoying little sister to McDonald’s?? I was delusional. But luckily for my new Roomz, I no longer eat fast food (except on special occasions like today when I went to 5 guys…heart attack for one please), and also I have my very own driver’s license and vehicle! Anyway, having a roommate/brother is really pretty awesome. The benefits include but are not limited to the following: Poppa Pants is happier having another male in the house (score).  Roomz is way tall and can get things out of tall cabinets/high shelves so my dear mother and I don’t risk our lives teetering on a stool or ladder.  Roomz gives excellent outfit advice and is not afraid to tell me when I look trife, which is fairly often.  He is a morning person which means I have yet another being in my house to make me feel guilty for being late to work. Every day. Whatevs. Point is, it’s super fun and I am slightly saddened that come this Saturday I will be vacating my parents house (!!!!!!) and leaving Roomz III to be alone with my parents.  Really they’re not so bad, I pretty much love them.  Also I’m fairly certain I’ve been replaced as most beloved child. Apparently he cooks breakfast and makes coffee every morning, walks the dogs and gets the mail. Hello? Miss Sassy Who?

Other updates: As I just stated, I’m moving next Saturday! My adventure to Raleigh was a success and I met this really nice chica who I found on craigslist (recall I mentioned my skepticism) and she was totally not weird! Totally nice and normal in fact, and owner of a completely adorable home which is super close to my new office building. Woohoo, low gas costs! So I will be moving into her third furnished bedroom and beginning a new life with Roomz IV (and Roomz V since she also has another roommate). I must admit I’m super excited and also a little anxious. Less anxious because I picked out some super cute curtains (and look how precious these are!) and have a color scheme and cute DIY decorating ideas to implement ASAP when I move. Yes that’s right, implement. Perhaps I will update with pictures once I decorate the new stanza (room) degli Pantaloni Sfacciati. Minor italian lesson for everyone today, enjoy.  And yes, I am deviating from the ever-present pink-ness that is my existence.  I know, completely shocking. My bedrooms for the past  9 years (minimum) has looked something like this. The best part is that I had some pink lamp shades in the room so even the things that weren’t pink (white bedspread) had a pink glow. Yikes. Anywho, if anyone is in the Raleigh neighborhood, the research triangle/octagon, or traveling down 85/95 holler at Miss Sassy! I love visitors.

Side note: This post is in the Trifeness category but it’s really not about trifeness. It’s possible that I need a new category! Ideas? Anyone? Leave me some comment love! It’s like a virtual hug, and I love hugs.

Silly boys, it’s called “Sass” not “Ass,” and I’ve got both!

Hello dear friends, and other people who read this blog! Some of you have been asking where Miss Sassy has gone, and let me tell you she’s been around. She’s on her game, or rather, I’M on my game, and just so busy being sassy that I don’t even have time to tell you about it. JP. But seriously, lack of inspiration, “busyness” at work, PMS (rawr), gyming, laziness, ridiculous laundry, and etc. are the reasons I have not reported since last week. But do not fret, we’re back. We = me and my pants, apparently.

Here’s the topic for today: boys are trife (surprise). Ok fine, most boys are trife, as some of you are actually quite normal and able to communicate effectively and not be triflin skeez balls.  In general I think it’s annoying when boys aren’t straighforward or capable of communicating with me. And if you are a boy who does not like straightforward gals, then move on, because I am not the girl for you.  If you are confused by this statement, here’s an example text convo which might help clarify:
Him: come over [time: 2:47am after a Friday night out…need I say more]
Me: I’m already home, sorry
Him: come play guitar hero with me, you owe me [! I owe nothing.]
Me: Like I said, already home. And I’m pretty sure you don’t want to just play guitar hero, in which case I’m def not coming over.
Him: geez, no need to be so straightforward.

Really? Because I prefer it.  Don’t even get me started on this “you owe me” business. And I really have no interest in playing guitar hero at 3am.  Not a good way to woo me, if that is your intention. Also I’m not a skank, since anyone who was born at least 2 days ago knows that wasn’t really an invite to test my guitar or singing skills. Skeez.  It’s like he’s offended by my straightforwardness. As if we’re in the 15th century when ladies didn’t make eye contact and never spoke to men. Quite a few things have happened to advance woman’s position in society in the last few centuries, in case anyone skipped every history class since Kindergarten. Just saying. If a boy** who’s not even on this continent can be more straightforward with me than a boy living in the same city as me who I see a few times a week, that should tell you something. [**This boy is not a boy really, he’s a man, and maybe that’s the difference.] If you’re ego isn’t big enough to take a hit, tread lightly. Rejection builds character, right? Because yes, I will call you out when I deem necessary, especially if your head is a little swelled and I feel you need a reality check. And yes I’ll tell you if I like you or not to your face.  I might flirt and be mysterious and not give you straight answers all the time, but in the end you’ll get the cold hard truth, or the warm and fuzzy truth. I realize that boldness isn’t for everyone, and if you’re not into it, it’s not my problem and I take zero offense.  We can be friends, really. OR you can grow some cajones and take it like a man. And hey, if you wanted to be straightforward, honest, and up-front with me right from the start, you might even score. My number that is. Because I’m still not a skank, even if you are Mr. Bold and Beautiful.

PS: It’s my last weekend in the ex-capital of the Confederacy, let’s see what kind of trouble we can dig up…full reports next week. Happy hunting, boys and girls!

Breaking News!

I’m pregnant! Ha! JUST KIDDING. Seriously, that would be breaking and terrible news, but seriously I’m not pregnant. The real breaking news is that I’m moving to Raleigh! Yes, ladies and gentleman, this Richmond-loving gal is taking her sassy and professional pants and relocating to another of this nation’s great state capitals. My place of gainful employment has decided that I am also eligible for an outstanding raise to 6 figures! Just kidding again! Sadly no raise, but bonus! I’m moving out of my parents’ home finally! I do love me some Momma Sassy and Poppa Pants; [+1 for using a semicolon in a blog] however, it is a well known fact that humans are the only race that allow their young to return to the nest. Ever. And so I am now happy to vacate that stereotype.  However I will say a big ole thank you to my parental units for allowing me to live there sans rent payment, sans grocery purchasing, sans utility bills payment, and sans…I just like using the word sans. Makes me feel smart. But hey, thanks Ma and Daddy! Miss Sassy Pants loves you and wouldn’t be here today if it weren’t for your…well, you. High five to you both.

SO now that I found out officially, I’ve been searching for the perfect place to call my new temporary home.  My assignment is only for 6 months, so Richmond won’t get to miss me too much before I’m back.  And let me share something about this apartment search: it is ridiculous. There are about 9 billion colleges in the Research Triangle or whatever it’s called – Raleigh, Durham, and Chapel Hill. And let’s throw in Cary and Wake as well. They should call it the Research Pentagon. Whatever. Many colleges means that it is difficult to find an apartment that is not chock full of college students.  Yes I know I just graduated, but I do not have the same sleeping habits as I used to! I need to be in tip-top shape every day so people don’t think I’m a crazy party animal who comes to work hungover every day and has nutso red streaks in my hair. As we already discussed, this is not professional. And even if I am not really hungover, if I do not get sleep I will look hungover which is basically just as bad. Also I don’t like the smell of beer and puke anymore, and would prefer not to trip over beer cans and bongs on my way out the door in the mornings, as I did in my previous life as a college gal.

N. E. Ways. So it’s a challenge. I find myself stepping outside the box in a major way, by searching up craigslist (I mean!) for a roommate. Yes I responded to a couple ads, yes I heard back from one or two, and yes I will be meeting them this weekend. Get hyped. I’m a little nervous about this prospect, given that random roommates are a toss-up. I got so lucky freshman year (love to the original roomz, you rocked/rock my world), and then had a little hiccup and then got lucky again and then I had friends. Which some would say is also luck.  But whatever. It’ll be an adventure, less expensive, and maybe I’ll even make new friends.  Novel idea, eh? Anywho, I’ll report back after my epic journey to le triangle this weekend…hopefully I will have something signed by then. This would definitely give me some serious peace of mind!

Positivie notes: Get excited to discover and explore the Rals (new name for Raleigh, just came up with it, love) with me! I can’t wait to find my new favorite shoe store (window shopping and dreaming only – I’m on a serious budget!), manicure place (again, dreams), Panera location (for once a month splurges, sad), night-time hot-spot (again, special occasions, happy hours, $1 PBR only), and gym site (discounted by my employer because I’m “remote”…muahaha).  I am most nervous about the gym, as there are numerous locations nearby from which I must choose! What if I pick the one full of old skeezy dads?! Sorry, that was offensive. Not all dads are skeezy, but you know, lots of old men are creepy and I don’t want to be with a bunch of boomers or middle-aged dudes and cougars with their kids in the massive day-care. Let me tell you about the kids center in my current gym: empty. That’s the way I like and prefer it. Also it’s embarrassing when the cougar next to me in pilates is more flexible than I. Not that I’ve ever experienced that, just saying. Plus, bad/mediocre scenery = less motivation to workout. Obvs. Digression again!

Bottom line: get excited, I’m taking you all with me in my blessed little heart! Until next time, keep the sass on high.

Flirting 101: Currently in Session

Let’s talk about flirting. Here’s a topic that pretty much everyone can relate too, whether you’re an 80-year-old woman flirting with the newspaper boy, or a 5th grader hitting the girl that sits next to you so she knows you have some special feelings, and everyone else in between. This is for you.

Somebody’s been flirting with me lately (I know, shocking! Usually I’m so sassy I scare them off, muahaha) and it’s been…I really can’t think of an adjective to describe it so read on.  It’s been a while since someone who is officially unattached to someone else has flirted with me (see past entry regarding lack of single people in this town) and I must admit, I’m out of practice. I know ya’ll feel me when I say it’s so much easier flirting when you know that other person isn’t available, right! It’s harmless (for the most part), there’s no pressure (again mostly), and you know you won’t have to actually follow through with any of it because it’s all in good fun! Unless he’s a skeez, in which case…well we make our own beds. Anywho, so it’s comical and here’s why. Firstly, my usual quick wit is failing me on the reg and it is so not cool. Negative cool points. I don’t know what is wrong with me! He makes some comment and I can’t figure out if I’m not paying attention or losing my hearing but I’m way off my game, all stuttering and making no sense and asking myself WHERE is Miss Sassy Pants when I need her!  So this makes it comical, as I seem to be routinely missing the mark or thinking of some cute response way too late.

My new strategy to combat my failures is to play the mystery card. It’s way fun because I can pretend I have something to say by putting on my mystery face and you know he’s all, “what the heck is she thinking!” And I can do something demure like shrug and smirk.  Ladies: try it sometime, it’s a joy, and also an exercise in acting. And dudes, update: just because we may look mysterious does not necessarily mean we are. It could mean that we are like me, with a head full of nothing to say, apparently. BUT you should be cautious as looking and acting mysterious could still indicate mysteriousness. Really it’s a toss-up, so good luck.  I’m here to tell you though: Miss Sassy Pants is out of shape. Good thing I’m going to the gym!

So now I’m left to wonder at the cause of my lack of game-ness so I can fix it. Usually, and this is no brag, I am quick with the snarky comments and witty banter. In fact I’d say most 99% of the time I have something sarcastic to say to pretty much everything I hear (and have only recently acquired a filter, might I add, having taken a job as a working professional). It’s a gift.  But really, the cause of my failures is unknown. If this were an episode of House, it would go unsolved, and the patient, i.e. me, would die. Hm.

But wait! I am Miss Sassy Pants! I don’t just need her around, I am her. I am sassy.  The definition of sassy is, “fresh, improperly forward or bold [haha], spirited, cheeky, saucy, vigorous, lively.”  While I’m not sure I am vigorous on a regular basis, these are important things for me to keep in mind as I am out and about scoping for the future father of my children and/or the man who will buy my next frozen marg, no salt thanks. The bottom line is this: don’t forget yourselves at home girls! Take all the sass with you where ever you go – when you are sweating like a pig at the gym, when you are out with all the gals, and even when you are buying Ho-Hos and Lucky Charms at the grocery store (guilty). You never know when Mr. Right [Now] will walk by and wink. Of course, as with most things, sass is best in moderation and works well when paired with excess class. As I always/lately say, it’s sassy to be classy!

Random Compilation of Trifeness

Lately I have been in a writing drought and unable to come up with a truly good sassy post, OR I’ve been super busy lounging around for the holidays. Not sure. But not to worry. Supposedly Stella eventually got her groove back, so I guess there’s hope for Miss Sassy’s inspiration. I’ll be going out this weekend so maybe something hilarious will happen. In the mean time, here are some random thoughts and sassy gripings for today, all completely unrelated, random, and unresearched.

I find these email blurbs annoying: “Please consider the baby oak trees in your back yard before printing this email.”  “Don’t print this email unless you REALLY have to.” For all those people that find it necessary to print every email they receive, does this sentence typed in environmentally green font with a tiny picture of a pretty green tree really change anyone’s mind? Hm.

Copenhagen: Why are all the world leaders expelling excess carbon to get together and decide nothing? Anyone else puzzled by the point of it all? Is .02 degrees Celsius really worth millions more people dying of AIDS?  I’m not a scientist, but my rational mind tells me it’s a little silly. Just saying.

Update to all drivers everywhere: turning lanes are for decelerating before a turn. Shocking news, I know! You do not need to slow down in the regular lane and then decide at the last minute you’d actually like to use the turning lane. It’s annoying and hazardous to other drivers, not to mention completely stupid. When the dotted line appears, that’s your cue! USE THE LANE, that’s what it’s there for. Also I know you’re special, but your car does in fact have a turn signal. USE it. Love, the front end of my vehicle which does not want to touch your tail-lights. Gross.

Media: stop talking about Tiger Woods and where Elin is vacationing with her kids now that she is traveling sans cheating millionaire hotty athlete hubby. No one cares.

College football: America LOVES you. So much that ESPN has shown the same clips of Alabama and Texas 2 billion times to see how accurately they can speculate which team will win. Pretty sure Gold’s Gym is closing on Thursday due to lack of people showing up to work out. I know I will be forgoing Xtreme Abs that evening to watch some hunky dudes plow into each other chasing pigskin around.  Yummy. Instead my abs will be enjoying some brews!

Dudes at the gym: yes I am doing squats, and yes you will have to wait your turn. Take your roid rage and testosterone filled biceps to the other bar and stop glowering at me. I finally overcame my fear of being in the weight room and you’re ruining it for me. But gosh you’re cute. And yes I will watch you walk away in the mirror, shamelessly.

Smokers: stop complaining about how cold it is outside and feels like Siberia. You have never even been to Siberia. And if you didn’t smoke a pack a day you wouldn’t have to go outside as often. Thus less complaining and more warmness for you. Also – bonus! – less risk of getting cancer or emphysema and dying. Cool, right?!

Email signage: I love how the new popular signature sign-off is “regards”.  “Warm regards,” or “Sincere regards,” or “happy regards”. It’s one of those words if you say it enough times it sounds really funny.  No really, say it out loud like 5 times. Funny.

I think that’s all for today. Stay sassy kids, and remember: smoking is bad for you, Texas v. Alabama tomorrow, I will print your email whenever I darn well please, AIDS epidemic is worse than global warming, and dear Baby Jesus use the turn lanes! Warmest regards to everyone.