Today I had lunch with my most favorite ex-roomie, we’ll call her Miss Foxy because I think she might be working for Fox news very soon (I’m optimistic and maybe it’s good luck) and also she is a foxy lady. It was a grand time and I took way beyond my regular 1 hour because we are chatty little gals when we get together, obv. So we’re chatting and Foxy remarks on the number of attractive men who were in this little eatery. Sure, I say, I guess. No, she says, you don’t understand, there are no men where I live and whenever I see a good looking one, he’s either gay…or married. I know right! So here’s our discussion topic today: marriage. Suddenly it’s everywhere.
I was so excited to take this new job, make some new friends, meet cute boys, flirt, get some drinks bought for me (because I’m so good at it…brnt), have some fun single ladies’ nights, and do some winking across some bars. You know you’ve done it. So I started working, started going out, started making friends, and started realizing this fact: EVERYONE is MARRIED. Or engaged. Or living with their soon-to-be-fiance and adopting cute puppies to judge if they’d be good parents. My newest instinct when I’m out is not to check out some eyes and tush (shamelessly), but the left hand. And let me tell you, 90% of the time there is some jank on that finger that I do not want to see. I mean I am seeing young boys and girls just starting work just like me and they are all “me and my girlfriend are getting a dog!” “My husband blah blah blah.” “My wife and I just bought a house.” “My boyfriend is so perfect” “I’m going to meet my girlfriend to watch Ghost of Girlfriends Past so I can’t hang out” (I mean really) “I have to leave because my fiance doesn’t like to go out and she’ll be mad.” Don’t even get me started on this last one – dudes: if you’re woman doesn’t like you going out and you do like going out, work that ish out. It will not be good for you.
Everywhere I look, people are moving in together, getting engaged, walking down the aisle. What happened to young single boys and girls? Where have they all gone?
Example: I recently went to my lovely and beautiful cousin’s (Miss Tiger? Yes? Rawr.) wedding in Florida. It was a bang up time for realz and I got my hair did for free. Holler. But I was one of 3 single girls there, out of 150 or so guests. There were 3 single men in attendance, one of which was my cousin (thus making him unavailable to me, need I spell it out for you), and another was over 35 (pushing it a little but hey love knows no age, right?). I’m not complaining, simply stating some statistics. 3/150 = 2%. Very small. Factor in the “I’m related to him” issue: 2/150 = 1.3%. Even smaller.
Text convo between me and Miss Foxy:
Foxy: I have been driving alongside this TOTALLY hot guy for a while and I want to do something like wave or something haha
me: Haha that’s awesome. You should catch his eye and wink
Foxy: he’s driving a tinted black tahoe it’s so hot, i only have 13 miles to do something
me: Be bold, act fast
Foxy: JUST saw the wedding ring…BRNNNNNT.
Another fun flirting opportunity ruined by marriage (and excellent use of Brnt, btw). Embrace being single people. It’s fun, there is no deadline for this marriage jank. Dudes: do not hit on me if you are married. Go out and have fun by all means and sure we can be friends, but do not give me that look at the bar (you know what look I mean – I can’t be more specific because my mom reads this blog) and then hide your wedding ring behind your back. I see you.
Single dudes: by all means, Miss Sassy Pants will have a margarita, thank you very much.