Monthly Archives: November 2009

Ay! Scoperto Cattivo!

Today’s ponderings originate from a hilarious Newsweek columnist that I have just discovered, and I’d like to share. His name is Steve, and he writes with wit and sarcasm and it’s great.  I was originally going to write this about a sappy article he wrote about protecting his teenage daughter from horny teenage boys (My favorite excerpts include, “Boxer-Clad Sasquatch Machiavelli and Shotgun-Wielding Virginity Enforcer,” “scheming longhair,” “it’s supposed to keep the sun off your face, dumbass,” and possibly “I’m sorry your stupid.” I know right, now you really want to go back and read it!). But then I came across this little piece of hilarity right here and I changed my mind immediately.  Read Steve first, then read Sassy.

Maybe it’s just me, but I wasn’t under the impression it was too terribly difficult to monitor your bank account balance in order to avoid the dreaded and devilish overdraft fee. Not to repeat everything in the article, but seriously wtf people? Simple steps to avoid overdrafting include 1) knowing your balance, 2) not spending more than what you bring in, 3) using a credit card (other risks included in this but whatev). Alternatively, Miss Sassy Pants suggests the following, should you be a victim of a scary overdraft fee: learn from your mistake and promptly never overdraft again. Viola! I don’t mean to be condescending and if I am insulting anyone, my bad. But seriously.

My take on people who complain about overdraft fees being “unfair” is: Don’t be a dumbass and know you’re stupid checking account balance, duh! I don’t think it’s “unfair” that banks charge for overdraft fees. You know what is unfair? Genocide. Cancer. Hunger in 3rd world countries.  That ish is terrible and I’d say definitely not fair.  But we all learned in 1st grade that life isn’t fair.  You know what else isn’t fair? Someone else having to pay for your poor financial planning. The bank is not yo momma.  So next time you’re hollering at your bank account and get slapped with a yucky overdraft fee, don’t whine and complain like typical Americans.  Prevail against the overdraft fee! Learn from your mistakes! That’s what the fee is there for, to learn. It’s like a slap on the wrist. If dogs can learn from mistakes, why can’t humans?  My little precious, for example, likes to eat food off the counter. She is huge and can easily get her sniffer up there to grab some chocolate cake.  So she did just that one time, and when we discovered her indiscretion, she was punished.  Poor thing knew she’d done wrong and was all pouty and adorable, but let me tell you. She didn’t look back at me and say “but whyyyyy I really liked that cake! That’s not fair! I want my congressman to address this injustice!” No, instead, she sulked away and hasn’t eaten a thing off the counter (at least in front of us) since then! Because punishment = bad.  So she learns, and we still feed her and love her.  Much like your bank will still let you use its services even if you are bad.  My question is, how can we not just as easily learn from yucky overdraft fees that we shouldn’t overdraft? Is it not that simple?

Possibly some of you are saying, “But Miss Sassy Pants, I didn’t know my account was so low! How was I supposed to know? It should warn me!” Here’s my response: with all these mobile banking capabilities these days, there is no way people can not know. 90% of the people I know have a blackberry or iPhone or some kind of something that has internet or mobile banking application.  Technology is good, use it.  “But I don’t have one of those!” Do it like they used to do in the old days: use a regular computer to check your account. Call the freakin’ bank.  Keep a check book of transactions.  If you know you are prone to overdrafting, check more frequently. It’s really simple.  And please, stop complaining.

So next time you overdraft your bank account and complain to yo momma about how that shite ain’t fair and why do banks have to persecute you!  Just remember these things: a) call the WAAmbulance, b) it’s your fault you overdrafted, c) the bank is  not a money tree for you to pick at whenever you’d like, and d) if a dog can learn, so can you.  It is not sassy to have no money in the bank.

PS: scoperto cattivo = evil overdraft.  Little italian lesson in there.  I know you were dying to know.

Miss Sassy’s Shoe Salon: #2

Hello dears. It’s been quite a while since Miss Sassy has shared some fab shoe finds with you so in the interest of catching up, I’ll share a whole store that I found:  This is the most amazing site I have ever found. Ever.  Not only do they truly have endless shoes to choose from (I mean really there’s like a billion shoes in each category for realz), they sell super small sizes for people like Momma Sassy who have tiny little footsies, they provide free OVERNIGHT shipping, AND free returns! Holy Moses!  [Side note: you must use Internet Explorer to view this site, it is funky with other browsers] Everyone knows that the worst part of buying online is a) shipping costs, b) waiting 9 years for your item to be shipped, and c) paying to ship it back if that jank don’t fit!  Problem solved my friends.

Today my fabulous place of employment is not occupying my time completely aka people don’t know how to reply to emails, and thus I am working on my Christmas wish list for good ol’ Santa.  This year it includes a fab new pair of boots (or possibly two depending on how good I’ve been).  I’ve provided some examples of greatness for your viewing pleasure, and also if you are in a giving mood and decide to purchase any for little me, please leave a comment indicating so.

I love all of these so much I just might get them all and see which fit the best. Free returns people, so why the heck not! Hit me back – what did you find? Check Miss Sassy’s Salon later to see what I picked!

Wanted: Single Sassy People

Today I had lunch with my most favorite ex-roomie, we’ll call her Miss Foxy because I think she might be working for Fox news very soon (I’m optimistic and maybe it’s good luck) and also she is a foxy lady. It was a grand time and I took way beyond my regular 1 hour because we are chatty little gals when we get together, obv.  So we’re chatting and Foxy remarks on the number of attractive men who were in this little eatery. Sure, I say, I guess.  No, she says, you don’t understand, there are no men where I live and whenever I see a good looking one, he’s either gay…or married.  I know right! So here’s our discussion topic today: marriage.  Suddenly it’s everywhere.

I was so excited to take this new job, make some new friends, meet cute boys, flirt, get some drinks bought for me (because I’m so good at it…brnt), have some fun single ladies’ nights, and do some winking across some bars.  You know you’ve done it.  So I started working, started going out, started making friends, and started realizing this fact: EVERYONE is MARRIED.  Or engaged.  Or living with their soon-to-be-fiance and adopting cute puppies to judge if they’d be good parents.  My newest instinct when I’m out is not to check out some eyes and tush (shamelessly), but the left hand.  And let me tell you, 90% of the time there is some jank on that finger that I do not want to see.  I mean I am seeing young boys and girls just starting work just like me and they are all “me and my girlfriend are getting a dog!” “My husband blah blah blah.”  “My wife and I just bought a house.” “My boyfriend is so perfect”  “I’m going to meet my girlfriend to watch Ghost of Girlfriends Past so I can’t hang out” (I mean really) “I have to leave because my fiance doesn’t like to go out and she’ll be mad.” Don’t even get me started on this last one – dudes: if you’re woman doesn’t like you going out and you do like going out, work that ish out.  It will not be good for you.

Everywhere I look, people are moving in together, getting engaged, walking down the aisle.  What happened to young single boys and girls? Where have they all gone?

Example: I recently went to my lovely and beautiful cousin’s (Miss Tiger? Yes? Rawr.) wedding in Florida. It was a bang up time for realz and I got my hair did for free. Holler. But I was one of 3 single girls there, out of 150 or so guests.  There were 3 single men in attendance, one of which was my cousin (thus making him unavailable to me, need I spell it out for you), and another was over 35 (pushing it a little but hey love knows no age, right?).  I’m not complaining, simply stating some statistics. 3/150 = 2%. Very small.  Factor in the “I’m related to him” issue:  2/150 = 1.3%. Even smaller.

Text convo between me and Miss Foxy:
Foxy: I have been driving alongside this TOTALLY hot guy for a while and I want to do something like wave or something haha
me: Haha that’s awesome. You should catch his eye and wink
Foxy: he’s driving a tinted black tahoe it’s so hot, i only have 13 miles to do something
me: Be bold, act fast
Foxy: JUST saw the wedding ring…BRNNNNNT.

Another fun flirting opportunity ruined by marriage (and excellent use of Brnt, btw). Embrace being single people.  It’s fun, there is no deadline for this marriage jank. Dudes: do not hit on me if you are married.  Go out and have fun by all means and sure we can be friends, but do not give me that look at the bar (you know what look I mean – I can’t be more specific because my mom reads this blog) and then hide your wedding ring behind your back.  I see you.

Single dudes: by all means, Miss Sassy Pants will have a margarita, thank you very much.

BRNT. What does that even mean?

BRNT. You may have heard Miss Sassy Pants use this..uh, word, many times, and thought to youself, “What the heck does that even mean??” Well pals and gals, I’m here to learn you.

First, I have to give credit where credit is due.  I am not such a pop culture or buzz word genius that I came up with this all on my own.  I’m original maybe about half the time, and the other half I shamelessly copy other people’s originality (typically I get approval for this, provide a verbal bibliography, or wait until they’re not around to witness it, duh).  This I copied from my beautiful sophomore year roommate, Roomz.  She had all these cool words and phrases that she regularly used in her speech and so of course, living with her, I eventually picked up on them, being the good and faithful copycat that I am.  So I start using brnt in sentences regularly with her and with our other roommates, then I start using it with other friends, and before I know it, I’ve practically adopted it as my own thing.  Eventually, I was the only one of all the 6 roommates that still used it, and I was the annoying one.  This is common for me I think, but in the interest of keeping friends, I have slowly and diligently worked on using it less often and in more appropriate instances.  But what is an appropriate instance?  I will tell you my take on it, and hope that Roomz would approve.

Brnt is very versatile and can be used in a variety of situations.  Awkwardness was the original main usage. For example, let’s say you’re walking with a friend around the mall and you pass a couple who is violently arguing in the middle of the sidewalk.  Very awkward situation, no?  You might then turn to your friend and say, “Brnt!”  Or perhaps you’re in a bar and happen to witness a cougar attempting to pick up a young boy less than half her age who is unsuccessfully trying to escape (we’ve all witnessed it, it’s typically not smooth).  This is extremely awkward and it would definitely be appropriate to say to anyone else present, “uh, Brnt,” and even display your judgmental face.  Please note also that it is not “burnt,” as in, “damn, I burnt my pizza!”  However you could use brnt in that situation to express dismay or call yourself out for being clumsy or forgetful: “Brnt, I burned my pizza!”  Nor is brnt meant to refer to someone as “burned,” as in, “you got burnt!”  Alternatively, brnt can be used to convey to someone that you absolutely do not want to do something.  Example: “Miss Sassy Pants, do you want to go to the gym with me at 5:30am tomorrow?”  I would say, “uh, BRNT. That will never happen.”  This not only expresses that, no, I am not available to exercise with you at 5:30am, but also I am never available to do anything ever at 5:30am, and typically I do not exercise.  Other appropriate brnt-worthy situations include, but are not limited to:

  • bad grades
  • bad / awkward meetings at work
  • awkward / inappropriate witnessing or encounters in public places such as the grocery store
  • clumsy personal experiences e.g. tripping in public
  • awkward personal encounters in public places e.g. being on the receiving end of terrible pick-up lines
  • forgetting people’s names
  • bad movies
  • whenever the mood strikes you

Are we beginning to pick up on this? Also of note is the distinction between “brnt,” “BRNT,” and “brrrrrrrrrnt.”  I know, we’re nitpicking now, but the distinction is important. If a situation is only moderately awkward, then you would use the less extreme version of  brnt. Just like if a joke is only chuckle worthy, you would not burst into hilarity because then you would be the only one laughing and people will stare at you and think you’re weird.  And if that ever happens to you, your friends could look at each other and say, “Brnt.”

So I think I have sufficiently cleared the air on this.  The one thing we should all remember when using this word is to always be confident in your usage.  Own it!  Make it yours! And most importantly, be sassy with it…because I sure am.