Today’s ponderings originate from a hilarious Newsweek columnist that I have just discovered, and I’d like to share. His name is Steve, and he writes with wit and sarcasm and it’s great. I was originally going to write this about a sappy article he wrote about protecting his teenage daughter from horny teenage boys (My favorite excerpts include, “Boxer-Clad Sasquatch Machiavelli and Shotgun-Wielding Virginity Enforcer,” “scheming longhair,” “it’s supposed to keep the sun off your face, dumbass,” and possibly “I’m sorry your stupid.” I know right, now you really want to go back and read it!). But then I came across this little piece of hilarity right here and I changed my mind immediately. Read Steve first, then read Sassy.
Maybe it’s just me, but I wasn’t under the impression it was too terribly difficult to monitor your bank account balance in order to avoid the dreaded and devilish overdraft fee. Not to repeat everything in the article, but seriously wtf people? Simple steps to avoid overdrafting include 1) knowing your balance, 2) not spending more than what you bring in, 3) using a credit card (other risks included in this but whatev). Alternatively, Miss Sassy Pants suggests the following, should you be a victim of a scary overdraft fee: learn from your mistake and promptly never overdraft again. Viola! I don’t mean to be condescending and if I am insulting anyone, my bad. But seriously.
My take on people who complain about overdraft fees being “unfair” is: Don’t be a dumbass and know you’re stupid checking account balance, duh! I don’t think it’s “unfair” that banks charge for overdraft fees. You know what is unfair? Genocide. Cancer. Hunger in 3rd world countries. That ish is terrible and I’d say definitely not fair. But we all learned in 1st grade that life isn’t fair. You know what else isn’t fair? Someone else having to pay for your poor financial planning. The bank is not yo momma. So next time you’re hollering at your bank account and get slapped with a yucky overdraft fee, don’t whine and complain like typical Americans. Prevail against the overdraft fee! Learn from your mistakes! That’s what the fee is there for, to learn. It’s like a slap on the wrist. If dogs can learn from mistakes, why can’t humans? My little precious, for example, likes to eat food off the counter. She is huge and can easily get her sniffer up there to grab some chocolate cake. So she did just that one time, and when we discovered her indiscretion, she was punished. Poor thing knew she’d done wrong and was all pouty and adorable, but let me tell you. She didn’t look back at me and say “but whyyyyy I really liked that cake! That’s not fair! I want my congressman to address this injustice!” No, instead, she sulked away and hasn’t eaten a thing off the counter (at least in front of us) since then! Because punishment = bad. So she learns, and we still feed her and love her. Much like your bank will still let you use its services even if you are bad. My question is, how can we not just as easily learn from yucky overdraft fees that we shouldn’t overdraft? Is it not that simple?
Possibly some of you are saying, “But Miss Sassy Pants, I didn’t know my account was so low! How was I supposed to know? It should warn me!” Here’s my response: with all these mobile banking capabilities these days, there is no way people can not know. 90% of the people I know have a blackberry or iPhone or some kind of something that has internet or mobile banking application. Technology is good, use it. “But I don’t have one of those!” Do it like they used to do in the old days: use a regular computer to check your account. Call the freakin’ bank. Keep a check book of transactions. If you know you are prone to overdrafting, check more frequently. It’s really simple. And please, stop complaining.
So next time you overdraft your bank account and complain to yo momma about how that shite ain’t fair and why do banks have to persecute you! Just remember these things: a) call the WAAmbulance, b) it’s your fault you overdrafted, c) the bank is not a money tree for you to pick at whenever you’d like, and d) if a dog can learn, so can you. It is not sassy to have no money in the bank.
PS: scoperto cattivo = evil overdraft. Little italian lesson in there. I know you were dying to know.